we could be | ronance

NINE

"i bet you're happy
and that's fine
but i regret just one thing"

-

nancy's pov

ROBIN HAD LEFT me standing there that day, completely shocked. when i had played the scene in my head before asking, i had never exactly planned her being somewhat bitter to me in the processs.

was robin mad at me for something? she had been acting off during english already, but i don't remember saying anything wrong.

i had really wanted to hang out with her; i had missed her company. her laugh, her humor. her rambling. i just missed her. everything about her.

as i sat in my third period class, all i could think about was robin. it was wrong in my mind to think about robin, thinking about how kissing her again would feel.

i shouldn't be thinking about that. not when i have a girlfriend. not when my girlfriend had been so kind and so good to me.

but i can't help my feelings. somewhere deep down- deep, deep down- i knew that. i had been pushing them down for so long. i used barb as a rebound. a rebound for me after robin buckley broke up with me.

i did care for barb. i cared for her a lot. but i don't know if i love her- at least not as much as i loved robin. i wasn't using her, but my love for robin is unbeatable.

i still love robin buckley. it's something i've been trying to shove deep, deep down for so long. i tried covering it with being with barb, but i know it's not working. robin's always going to be my soulmate, my one true love. it doesn't matter if i try to push the feelings down or away, they were always going to be true.

-

"hey," barb greeted that afternoon, leaning over the console in my car to give me a kiss. i pulled back, causing confusion to take over her face. "did i do something?"

i sighed. this is what i hadn't been looking forward to all day. i watched the clock tick by. it seemed like minutes were seconds, passing by quick. my eyes were already watering up, but i blinked the tears away.

"nance? what's wrong?" barb's voice was heard again, reaching a hand over to put it on mine.

"we need to talk," i choked out, sighing to myself once again. she looked at me, and i knew instantly i would never forget this look.

it was a mix of hurt and confusion, with a bit of sadness thrown in. she looked at me and it immediately looked like she was a thousand miles away from me.

words cannot describe how awful i felt in that moment.

"okay...." she said quietly- so quiet that i could barely even hear it.

"i think we should break up," i said, the words slipping out of my mouth due to the state of panic i'm in. instantly, i regretted how straightforward the words sounded.

"oh...." she said, looking back forward at the windshield.

"let me explain," i offered, and took her silence afterwards as a hint to speak again. "look, i'm sorry. i never meant to say that straight up. i should've eased into it more-"

"yeah, no shit," she interrupted, the words feeling like a stab in my heart.

"please let me talk first. you can yell at me after," i told her, and she put her hands up as if she was surrendering. i continued. "okay. thank you"

silence consumed the air again, and she looked at me once again as if she was wondering if i was going to speak again.

"right, sorry. barb, you were an amazing girlfriend. truly. you were always there for me and i couldn't have asked for someone better to help me through my breakup. i care for you, so much"

i looked at barb again, and noticed her eyes filling with tears. i felt awful, but i knew i had to keep going.

"when robin and i were together, we were madly in love. i'd do anything for her. i loved her so much. when we broke up, i tried burying those feelings deep, deep down. and it worked for a short while. but after talking to robin, i knew i couldn't do this. i knew i couldn't date you and pretend like my feelings for her weren't resurfacing. because, to me, still being in love with her while being with you feels like i'm cheating"

i took a deep breath, looking at her. we both had tears rolling down our cheeks. she didn't look at me- she looked down in her lap, fiddling with her fingers.

"i really am sorry," i spoken again. "i really didn't mean for this to happen. you were so good to me- so gentle when i was sad and so comforting when i needed to talk to you. but you deserve someone who can love you endlessly, and i'm not that person for you. but, god, i don't want to lose you, barb. i don't want you to hate me. i get it if you do- hell, i would too. but if you don't, i still want to be your friend"

it was silent for a bit longer in the car, both of us staring ahead at the windshield. it had started to rain during our conversation, seeming like mother nature herself was mocking our current mood.

"okay," barb said finally. "it's okay, nance. i get it. i just want you to be happy. and, if you'll be happiest with robin, then don't let me stop you. i could never, ever hate you. i don't want to lose you either"

we looked at each other, tears still falling down my face.

"plus, we all know robin's a lot hotter than me," she joked, causing both of us to laugh.

i couldn't even reply to that, so i just let my laugh out, eventually stopping my tears.

"friends?" she asked, and i nodded. "good. now, go get your girl, nance"

"okay, okay," i smiled slightly, knowing inside that i definitely was not mentally prepared to confess my love to robin buckley right this second. especially not while she's at work.

she climbed out of my car, saying a small goodbye and disappearing off into the rain, despite my offers to take her home.

i put my head on the wheel with a sigh, letting more tears wet my cheeks as i sobbed in my car.

after calming down, i started my car up and drove out of the school. my destination? starcourt mall.