I HAVE NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU

PART TWO ( yearnings and belongings )

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍 16

1.Sally

And I threatened her with a knife.

" what did you do exactly ? did you fuck him?"
I turned in small circles  with both of my hands around my waist as if  was holding myself from not falling to pieces .
" Did you wear my bra when you did it ? Did he sniff that lingerie of yours that I bought you for you birthday ? GOD !"
" I didnt fuck anyone Sally get over it "
" THEN HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN?"
" WHY DID THEY CHOSE ME INSTEAD OF YOU?"
Rebecca never raised her voice at me but she did that day I knew about the emails getting mixed .
She did and I yearned to grab her vocal chords with my fingers and pull .
I was never angry at her for getting the role , I was so frustrated that I lost it .
" Stop being such a self-centred cunt "
" Who's the cunt now ? You know damn well how much I worked for this "
" Hey , I worked for it as much as you , keep that in your tiny fucked up head"
" Bullshit , you did it to piss me off you've always been so jealous , so envious, FUCK"
" I can't do this "
The appratment had a large salon  then two huge  separate rooms and when she was headed to hers , I jumped in front of her door blocking the entry .
" Say it to my face , what did you do to get it ?"
" I really want to slap you right now , please you're drunk "
" You've always watched like a bystander , you never did anything , never delivered emotions like i do , never NEVER "
" yet , I got it so suck on it "
I reached the bottle of wine in the kitchen but before opening it , the knife glimmered .
And I picked it with zero conscience .
" Sally , you've been distracted with that shit of yours , that stupid shit of yours and i have  told you so many times to let it go but you're a bitch to not do so "
" I'm a BITCH  ?"
" If I would even consider sleeping with anyone just to get the role i would've switched careers , people like me have decency , self-respect  , you would never relate , don't you ? That's the image you have of me ? After all these years ? Shame on you "
" Snap out of that drain , step out of it and you'll see "
" DID YOU JUST CALL ME A BITCH "
I was getting closer to her holding the knife like a psychopath and she froze but not with fear or dread  . Confortation. She liked it .
" This is not about the role , we both know this , so dont project your shit on me"
" You're the bitch , you're the cunt , GOD !"
"You want to stab me ? FINE "
She moved letting the knife touch her shirt , tearing it up sightly. " Do it, own it , own the shit that you do , and maybe you would've gotten that role instead of me "
She slammed the door at my face and I let the knife touch the floor echoing thoughts of cutting my wrists , my face , my skin

First friday together.

I came back home running like a coward , leaving both of the writers together .
Who am I to stay in a room full of art if my creation is just a fragment of my imagination ?
I was crying knocking the door , too tired to use my own keys and i expected nothing from Rebecca but to make fun of me but she worried as much as I did .
I looked like shit , she asked me what happened and I  reassured her that it was no rape and that she was right .
I apologized hugging her tight , turning her shirt to a tissue where my eyes leaked warm tears on it .
" it's fine , it's fine , I'll get you a glass of water "
" I'm sorry I'm I'm I'm I'm so sorry " I repeated like a broken CD 'cause I  really was .
" Forget about it , I know you didn't mean  any of it "
But the truth is , I did . Every tiny detail of what I said but bestfriends are like alzeihmer, we forget but the twist is , we control what we like to erase , the fights the hurtful words , the betrayals and that's why nothing hurts more than a bestfriend who loves you 'cause sooner or later , you'll do nothing but disappoint .
She grabbed my hair with both of her hands , smelling bad smoke out of it , vomiting every memory I hold in me into the toilet , and I flush promises and insomniac nights i spent hoping .
There is no other enemy to you that can make you love yourself then hate every part of it other than hope , it's tricky and it tricked me and i may or may not recover from it .

It wasn't that friday nor the next .
Maybe the third , I let myself crawl out from the box I trapped myself in , saying " i'm ready for it " , we started filming the first music video for the album in Alex's house , a lot of people were there but none knew who I was . Eric stood from a distance watching over me , and when I feel my face heating up with anxiety he shows up unplanned throws jokes here and there and that's when I knew I was falling for him . So I had to figure out how to make a scene .

2.Alex

" You look like you're waiting for someone " Steve , our band's drummer had dimples similar to the ones I  have and sometimes they look better on him than on me .
He's the only boy I've kissed and it was a dare but the media didn't care and alsl my career .
I never thought I would be cancelled for kissing a boy , I thought we were over that but some people weren't and when I made a statement about the truth of it, I turned out to be attention-seeking and abusing the LGBTQ+ community for views and clout .
" I am , thanks for noticing " I said nervously before he babbled " IS IT HER ?"
" Please , let's not -"
" okey okey sorry "
" it's him , the poet "
" I fucking knew it "
" please if I die weep and cry and sob at my grave until roses grow and enchant my body , I owe you that "
" you owe me shit , and damn you sound like you're-"
" Don't finish it"
Him quaking the word didn't help at all .
" L-L-OVE "
" should I text him ?"
" look at this now , UNBELIEVABLE . You have his number ? Tell me you both Fu-kissed ?"
" I want to slap you so bad "
" if he's into BDSM , keep that for your one and only and by the way never text the guy until he texts first"
" but we all agreed on no phones , no social media , nothing "
" hypothetical raw pure connection -seeking? "
" Yeah ? I wouldn't say it better "
" Well you don't have to think about it for now "
He pointed at the door as it opened .
And the bar became cold and freezing blocking every noise , he wore a leather jacket and a black half unbuttoned chemise with a handmade crystal necklace that showcased his neck that I so badly dreamt of kissing .
I made few steps closer but she came from behind . Behind him , grabbing his hand with such force that I was thrown backwards choosing a wall to look at, escaping the scene .
Her hands on his , then side by side , walked in together to the green room getting ready to perform . He saw me , our eyes met but he chose to look at her right away.
She must've wished him luck because she kissed his cheek .
And I never wanted to be someone else.
I grabbed a seat waiting for midnight to call , I  wanted her to leave so I could watch him watch the moon with me but that seemed unreachable.
Steve backed me up with tequila and said as soon as my stomach cramped "One of you three is playing with fire but not just one is going to burn " .