My hands dropped seas of sweat over the steering wheel , he was looking at the November grey sky , we broke up a month ago just when our anticipated album by Lana Del Rey dropped , I still remembered what I dreamt of telling him , what shook my body in my sleep , what covered my face with a pillow and pressed so hard , I surrendered .
In my dreams , we're in my room , his face always away from my gaze and he says all the things I feared to hear and when he leans on the ivy to sneak out of my window, he leaves his shirt , he leaves a mark , a print of my favourite song .
I was the one to leave , I admit .
I was the heartbreaker , and all of my symbolism , anaphora and similes were swinging in the air , I knew in my bones he'd come back , I deserved it.
I knew in my bones , it was worth a try , my books were , my love was , my tears and my scars .
" You never dared to call me " I whispered, taking a turn away from his house .
I was the keeper and the bag . I was the one who was supposed to pick him up whenever he wants to drive around , whenever he wants to hear our songs on full stereo .
" Eric , we broke up . You , yourself made sure of that , you sent me pages and pages of how much I hurted you and I'm so sorry for not realising the harm I caused , but I did . And it was for the best that we went seperate ways " . He didn't leave my face with his eyes , I started shedding tears .
" You moved on , you dated someone else , you never posted us online . I was the one who was a little baby about our posts that we share , our spotify playlists , our books that we read simultaneously. Then ,with a stranger you do all of what you could've done to me "
" I "
" Tell me it's over , what we have . Tell me you don't think about me . Tell me you don't dream about us , about our nights "
" Eric , it is valid to be attached to someone but its healthier for both of us , if we stop contacting each other "
" I just sent you songs "
" Dealer , you sent me dealer , how could I be good for something ? I don't want to live? That's so wrong , you don't see it . I only dream of fucking up , Eric . It really makes me want to not live . It's not healthy , as I said " it always impresses me how he calms down just after storming such words .
" Tell me it's over " I said again , driving like a sociopath on the run .
" I have nothing left , I really do . I'm empty , I don't feel it , I don't feel anything , and the fucked up thing is , you believe you're the only harmed , who got damaged , I am too . We were together in everything "
" You seem fine to me " I repeated .
" Because you're arrogant and self centered "
" And you're the one who left , I remind you"
I glanced at the moon , full and bright.
" You know why I left "
" I do . I'm a fuck up , I didn't love you right , I'm sorry "
I didn't love you right I'm sorry was all I wanted to hear . Instead , he yelled at me , he made me cry more then pulled his trigger on my skull with his calmness .
" I'm a fuck up , what are you going to do about it ? It's not like you're all innocent , you fucking sting me every single day about a problem that is in your head and you trap me in it "
" I'm sorry , I didn't love you right " I echoed .
" no you're not . You love to see me like this . You enjoy watching me hurting. You want me to love you even that you're so far away . You started all of this . The cycle it's all on you. You remind me of my mother , my mother and my father who made my life a living burning hell . You remind me of Farah "
" The girl who turned your friends against you " I sighed .
" you ruined my reputation . Your oh god I've been in a toxic relationship posts , your friends talking shit about me , your poem that only needed my name signed so you could feel peace out of it. Peace is what you prevented me from having . God, give me a fucking break . I loved you , I did . Now it's over . It is and I am telling you , I have been telling you , you just ignored the signs , shut yourself in and demolished me in your made-up problems . A version of me you perfectly painted " he swallowed , turning to face the window ." Just so you could leave as a victim " I was slowing down .
" you said you loved me , and you'll forever do "
" Forever is a lie "
" Why didn't you try again . For me "
" Why didn't YOU ?"
" I've been tolerating you for months and months saying you'd love me right , you'd treat me right , you'd see it if I point it out , you traumatised me " my voice scalding up and down . I pitied myself , I almost stopped the car .
" A bad experience is never a trauma . You're pathetic. Get fucked . Now you think we can still be friends ? That shit never works "
" I begged you to stay . I begged you , I wrote for you how much I love you even when you don't show it back to me . I begged, Ethan , I begged "
I drowned in my sobbing . The vision getting blurry . Him grabbing his phone and the car stealing my control .
" This is the poem you sent me , I'll read it for you , I'll show you , your own way of begging "
My scarf , my wine , my love.
My scarf my wine my love
YOU ARE READING
I HAVE NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU
Mystery / ThrillerThey were three , the poet , the simger and the actress . their backstories and their similar glimpses of facing pain and heartbreak got them tied up in a rollercoaster of love , fear and revenge . who will fall first ? who will pretend ? who died...
