I HAVE NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU

PART EIGHT ( onelastdrive)

Sunset boulevard
Coffe tastes better with croissants
Paris and lights
Cities that speak to me
My worth only
Catacombs and bodies
Upside down valley
The fog was clear
The answer yet is blurry

1.Driving in the middle of the night opens the door to all kinds of scary highway stories, full of creepiness , terror and all you need for you not leave your vehicule but as for us , the evil was holding the steering wheel , driving fast with eyes blurry and tears slipping into his cheeks , my heart ached so to cope ; my mind played the poem in my head like a song sang swiftly , my favourite poem of his , that dream I had of him writing me poems can stop right here , when he grabbed his hand hard but not to hold .
Never to hold .
I fiercely backed to the middle of the car backseat ,  hoping for myself to survive the night and if it needs jumping of the door , I had to have all choices available , their voices were getting louder and louder , I was a side B of a main story , so I played the poem -as I said and his words that were never given to me .
I'd write for you .
I'd die to have you .
I'd live just for you .
You'd read all of my work .

The poem was called 13 , I came across it when i was at a movie party celebration , I was so left out I had to play busy.
You click on the book , you head for the poem and you dive right in .

It's not expected , like it was in my back
Tatoos so silver making your name carved so well
In this house I wander , password forgotten, you were here to help ~
Heart so small , yet contains a lot
Wasted on what's next , what it was- betrayed , left and knocked , I failed.
Stroked and half broken up .

Carved lips so restless we kiss like we were perished .
Million stars or thousands , long ago it meant-
Now I only find it in , whatever rests -
With or without your scent , I remember my thirteenth birthday , I listened to my cousins tell me about those ghosts that I no longer believe in
They were painted black which was a colour of relief and pointed at with fingers as evil and wickedly-

I knew few things when I was younger and I wish it had stopped there .
That those ghosts were me and you , reincarnated yet had failed , again .

Stroked , buried alive , rose with petals now i wish you're dead
On your stones I wrote , words in bolshevik scarlet because i promised you before
We had  a thing in common , we keep what we offer
Your rings , ugly with silver
Your hair darkened so much like mine
My friend told me I've got I wrong
You didn't move forward you're stuck backwards.

" Slow down , please " I pleaded almost wetting my dress .
I'll write for you .
I'll die for you .
I'll live for you .
I'll remember you .
I'll never forget you .
I was  no longer a human being , I was waiting for the car to crash .
I was my father .
I was a -
2.
" I only let you drive because you're scaring me , Eric . Don't do something stupid " I was shaking , regretting everything all at once , I was being stupid for letting him take my keys . A horror cliché.  A chorus repeating.
" You didn't let me , I let me and don't worry this is not how you die , well -"
" What the fuck "
The rain didn't stop neither did we .
" You wanted to talk about it , this is your only chance to , I'm focused on the road , you have to focus on your thesis ,  or else I'll drive us into a - " he took a mocking breath before adding " into a , cliff "
" You don't have to do that , Sally say something"
That bitch who was behind all of this now is acting all dumb and innocent , I hate her , I blame her for this .
" None of my onions , y'all figure your shit out I'm just a passenger "
" You're a  pick me " Eric took a shot of her face from the rearview mirror and started laughing manically.
" How's that Mr know it all ? "
" You're the type of women who claims to hate all men and still befriends no women because they're too problematic and men make you problematic.  You pretend to be lost so could someone shows you steadiness, you pretend to be hurt to see other people's scars , that's how you did it for me and that's how you'll do to others after me "
There's no you , I itched to say.
" Well , I don't owe you an argument to prove you wrong , if that's how you see me , then continue to do so "
" Solid " He didn't move , just like that , driving faster and faster . A psychopath.
" for the record , I'm so glad we didn't hookup , that would be a pity fuck "
" Oh so you pity me ? "
" I so much do , your boyfriend knows better "
I had the urge to turn and spit on her face but no I was too caught up in my own fear of dying before my album releases .
" What is she talking about " he asked me before a car came  straight toward us in our lane.
He did not honk , nor flashed his lights to avoid them . Instead , he looked right at it , heading for it before turning the car last minute . " Fucking hell, you're going to kill us " I screamed , thinking of kicking him with my feet on his face with his head into the window and Sally jumping on the wheel and I'd hit-
He cut my own thoughts off , putting them off guard . Out of reach . Out of my orbit. " Oh yeah she's talking about your pity fuck at the bar , right ?" 
How ?
Social media .
" It's not the videos nor the strangers so committed to ruin our thing "
" thing " Sally laughed from the back then apologized for it .
" You sound great, both of you , when you talk shit about me "
Another car tailgaited us from behind , he did not pull over to let it by. He accelerated  his speed taking his foot off the break , a thunderstorm was coming from my side .
" Sally , I assume you still don't lock your phone , what if someone gets access to all of your files ? "
" You fuck - you did not-" She raged with her eyes on her phone instantly .
" No . No of course I didn't , you're the one who posts other people's sex videos online , well your own even "
" What is he talking about ?" I checked my jaw with my hand,  my face started to freeze  from the cold .
She was quite . Back into the abyss .
" I didn't do that , but I did had access to something else. For example " - he grabbed his phone but never looking at it . He was really focusing on the road , he unlocked it , then few clicks and we were hearing our own voices echoing .
I didn't do that but i have access to. to . what . else .
" You crazy fuck " she admitted , she finally did and I had to kick her leg with my right hand.
" Wait til you hear your moans " he turned to face me , the car never resting . " She faked it "
It was his loud laughs that shivered me. Shook me to my core .
" But now , I let you , Alex , shine . Tell me all about it "
" I have nothing to tell you " If this is my moment , I'd rather die than say it out loud .
" For the sake of god, snap out of it , you were just our redemption act , you're the victim , sure we get it . Him and I are in love , we always were , we had to test it , we had to push our limits , you were there , you got attached , you ruined it, he fell for you , I know by heart I can feel whatever I intend to feel and I thought I liked you but hell no I didn't, you  both are miserable but so good at hiding it and if i fake my moans , you both fake your dignities , this desperate ? Are you for real ? You want him , fine get him , I don't care , you made it clear you have nothing to do with me , you were playing arou-"
She went full stop.  Even the car slowed down , i almost hit my hand and his facial expressions loosened .
" First of , we're no longer in love , i think you're the desperate one " I interfered , feeling like a god until it hit me , she was acting.
Easily annoyed , it is me.
But why did she stop ?
What was her act ?
" For how long do you " she swallowed , I copied .
Deep and slow .
Like our midnights at the bar .
" For how long do you know ? "
" You sent me the files . Not only you , you made sure to post them , but you belonged to those shit faces with Agatha christie's mentality and James Dean thirsty tweets .  That fake poem you posted ? , what a shame,  but it just proves that you are in fact a fan of my work but take this from me , you'll never be up to my writings to copy   "
Her eyes had a truth untold . Even when she spoke the words loudly , they came as confusing .
" For how long ? Yes I did send you the files . You could've thought I was pranking "
The stop again .
" But you weren't , were you " , she continued
Again , with the irritation .
" For how long ? "
I remembered the notebook , the poems that I thought were for her and Ethan , they were .
Reminiscive feelings in a cozy bar .
Reminiscence.
The last sentence . The inky one .
The first song we wrote .
They had the key words .
The answers.
I'm not here .
I'm not there .
I'm everywhere.
" You already know "
And the car took a full sharp hit from the back , my windows shaked , so did my stomach . I didn't care , I prayed for my life.
The wooda were below us , the road welcoming the rain like rocks .
" This is it " he said .
" This is where it started "
And I thought of Ethan as if he was my dead ex .
3.
I see life in circles and they , with time , get bigger and bigger but independently until they join each other forming this whole huge circle that announced the apocalypse.

Announced .
The past .
Diction . Word choice .
My head started spinning .

There would be nothing left to revolve around , we've seen everything .

Nothing left .
Nothing .
And we were a part of his circle closing itself , eating itself , the snake from the bar , that I only admire when I'm drunk , the metaphor of it . The symbolism .

I take a breath of relief with the car stopping before the vision widens and I realise that it was the spot his car fell from.
The exact edge of the land .
What if he killed him for real .
What if I'm wrong , what if I was wrong all along .
What if they both are behind my death- if I got killed .
What if I'm being tricked .
I had to text someone .
REBECCA .
What's going on .
If I didn't text you in the upcoming fifteen minutes , call the cops .