There are times,
When I feel your presence by my side.
There are times,
When I hear you say it'll be alright.
-Chán Juãn
No matter how much time,
There is in this life.
I'll think of you from time to time,
And always remember you with a smile.
...
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(Her location right now, residence/home.)
The next morning arrived.. I opened my eyes like always. The sunlight fell right into my eyes and I couldn't help but to groan..
'Man.. it stings.'
My maids came in, not daring to look at my face and got me ready for today. Thus, I couldn't help but to fall into deep thought... It kind of became a habit. Me, immersing myself.. In my own world. My own mind. Letting out my feelings.. My frustrations.
'I really hate my current life.. My current situation.. It's not like I'm missing anything , however i feel like.. I'm missing the most important thing. Yeah sure, I have everything I need.. Food, shelter, even maids and wealth.. but..
I feel useless. What is actually my own? Is this what I truly want..? Is this.. Happiness?
While I have so much, more then I'll ever need, if I could even define is as my own that is.. Other people can barely get by.. They work to death just to have something in their stomach.. While I have everything served to me and don't even need to lift a finger..
In my opinion, I was just born lucky in a sense, but it's like a curse as well. For example,I can't even help them.. Since I'm just a pawn to my family. Honestly, I'm nothing more then a mere pretty but useless vase.. I know nothing.. I have no skills.. all I have.. Is my pretty face.
I can't help but to feel repulsed from time to time. I'm not happy, so.. I honestly don't want this life... However, running away will implicate the lives of my maids.. And truthfully, they're innocent on that matter.. Plus, I wouldn't be able to survive on my own anyways.. Much less escape.. Just who am I kidding? Let's say even if I could escape, they'll just find me really quickly.
Because of this, I can't help but to feel like I'm cursed as well, is this a punishment? A blessing? How should I view this.. How do I feel about this.. I feel confined.
Was I born just to be a mere pawn? Is that why I don't have to worry about the other things? Is this my payment..? I have duties.. Responsibilities.. Peoples lives are in my hands.Due to my 'high' position.
Because of this, I decided to isolate myself long ago, to built up a wall, for my protection and their own. I might be making excuses but... That's the only path that I can see.
So, I have to act cold towards my servants.. Because otherwise they'll get bullied or even killed.. Just because I showed that I care about them. That I favored them.
It's better if they see me as an evil lady.. So, that they can live.I don't want even more blood on my hands.. I truly.. Can't bare that.
I just hope they'll be able to achieve some form of happiness, happiness that seems.. Untouchable to me. Like an illusion, a mere dream.. Of Freedom... Love...
