𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 | 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐫𝐚𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐫

VII

TW: self harm
i realise i cant sleep after all.

maybe its the tenderness in my cheek everytime it touches the pillow. maybe its jeremiahs snoring. maybe its the loud thoughts in my brain that continue to spiral into nonsense.

i decide its hopeless to even try, and that instead, maybe the salty breeze of the beach will help to clear my head, or at very least waste the time i have alone.

or so i thought.

conrad sits at the far end of the sand, watching the waves crash onto the bank. he seems deep in thought, so im conflicted in whether to join him. after i make up my mind, i walk his way, cautious not to disrupt him.

"hey connie" i say. the sentence echoes the same words i uttered last night, and the memory of him and me against the edge of the swimming pool comes flooding back.
" couldn't sleep either?" He asks.
I nod and rest beside him, my body sinking comfortably in the sand.
I notice the messily rolled j in his hand, ready to be ignited.
"Here." I pull out my lighter to spark its end.  
He looks at me in surprise,
"Since when did you smoke addy?" He questions.
"I don't" I reply softly, yet blunt.
"What, you like a pyro?" He jokes, smiling lightly.
I always carry around my lighter. At first it was just an ordinary blue lighter, until I gave it meaning. The truth is, as I reached my teen years, I got depressed. I realised how shit the world could be, and without wallowing in self pity, how shitty it was to me. To be straightforward- I used to burn myself with it. To ease the pain. To gain a sense of control. To feel something at least. I like to think I'm better now, and I have been for a while, so I carry the lighter with me as a symbol of willingness to push on through whatever hard-comings I face. It's also pretty handy when you're at a party too. Or smoking with Conrad Fisher of course.
"Maybe" I smile.
I feel crazy, cause at one point, I feel like opening up to him and telling him everything. All because he flashed me a smile.
I'm officially smitten.
I continue bringing the lighter towards him and he leans in, his forehead touches mine in an attempt to shield the burnt tip of the drug filled cigarette from the persistent breeze of the sea.
He makes no effort to move, apart from occasionally taking the joint from between his pink lips to blow out a soothing cloud of smoke. Even I seldomly take a hit from between his fingers, until the stick is stubbed out in the sand.
After that, we sit in silence for a while, but it's enjoyable. The night breeze creeps it's way into my bones, making me shiver. Conrad must notice.
"Are you cold? I haven't got my jacket to offer you" he says, worried.
"I'm fine connie" I reassure him, trying to get my teeth to stop chattering. Before I can even protest, he scoops me up into his arms, pulling me to a seat between his knees. His long arms crowd the front of my body, sheltering it from the cold.
"You're warm" he notifies. I smile again for what feels like the umpteenth time tonight. He presses his nose into the crevice of my neck and I feel my stomach erupt. The proximity of us makes me go pink. "You smell nice too. Like cherries and our pool." It's random, and it makes me think that he's very high and not totally in control right now. I stay silent and bask in the moment of intimacy.
With his height difference, I feel him look down at my face. "I'm sorry" he mumbles. His eyes flicker to my injured cheek and he frowns. In that moment I realise I never want to see Conrad fisher unhappy.
"It's ok. It's not your fault connie" I comfort.
"Besides I promise it doesn't hurt anyway." As the words leave my mouth, his fingertips trace the edge of the forming discoloured patch. After lingering, they continue their path south and hover over my leg, tracing patterns into the skin.
"What's this?" Conrad hums unknowingly as he reaches the scattered burn scars on my thigh.

In my slightly spaced out state, I become completely vulnerable, and pour my heart out to him. I trust him.

In response, he holds me closer, tighter, and I feel safe in his arms. Like everything will be ok.

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A/n: I just want to say thank you for the views on this book so far, even the smallest read I appreciate greatly.
Because of the heavy theme in this chapter my inbox is always open if anyone needs to talk. Just drop me a message <3