Deranged Love - Hanma Shuji

Chapter 13

Perhaps thinking shouldn't be, perhaps focusing on something else would be better because the longer I thought, the easier it was for me to consider doing the bad things they'd ask me to do.

When Koko left the house, I was left watching over Shiho, the only person who I could call a friend and not feel bad about it. At least that's what I thought for now; however, I was apprehensive of her reaction when she'd wake up. She had told me she was fully into doing whatever she had been doing and I had pulled her out of it the moment I didn't like it. It was selfish, I knew, and if it were to happen again I wouldn't do it... But that didn't mean it'd sit right with me, it didn't mean I wouldn't feel heartbroken to see her ruining herself over a man like Sanzu. Insane, violent and an addict—

My mind blanked. Then, I connected the dots and chuckled at first, before covering my mouth again. This time, I didn't break into tears, instead I let my head hit the back of the couch and let out a loud laugh.

Insane, violent and an addict? While the latter was often related to drugs, it could also fit this feeling of excitement one felt in dangerous situations.

Adrenaline was a drug. The same one Hanma was desperate for. It made me the most hypocritical person on earth to shame Shiho for her choices when I myself took the same road she did. And while the course of actions I took never led to any physical damage, the same could not be said for my mind, my sanity. The topic was not getting any more joyful, so I started thinking of what could be happening at the end of the week. I didn't plan on going wherever he wanted me to go, but my curiosity was piqued. So as I thought about it, I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on—it was almost time for the news—and instead of waiting, I got up to make us some food. Even if the woman on my couch was not awake, I was most definitely certain she'd be starving upon her awakening.

When I heard the intro of the news, I stopped everything I was doing and moved to the living room, wiping whatever I had on my hands on my apron. "After days of searching for the missing chairman of Silas&Sons, some remains of the 34-year-old man were found in what looked like a handkerchief, this was found in the dumpsters behind the airport of..." I stopped listening and hurried to my phone I had left on the table by the couch; doing so, I saw Shiho stirring awake. My hand hovered over my phone as I hesitated between calling Hanma about what I'd heard on the news or taking care of Shiho. Knowing how I was now seen as a burden for being worried over things, I looked away from my phone and helped Shiho sit up, muting the TV at the same time. She groaned while gripping the couch tight, I only now noticed the reddened marks around her wrists and felt my stomach twist. "Shi? What's that?" I asked softly as I let my cold fingers graze her wrist. In her half-dazed state, she looked down and blinked a few times to focus before grinning proudly, "Got tied up last night when we fucked, I can tell you it was a god-sent fuck. Almost saw the light." She nodded with a hum.

While I wanted my laugh to be light-hearted, it sounded more nervous than relaxed. "I'm glad, then—" "What's this place?" She interrupted me in utter confusion, her eyes never stopping while she looked around the room to observe each and every thing she could see. Before she could comment on the furniture or visuals of my décor, I stood up. "My house, I brought you back from Sanzu's place." It gave her some time to take in the information. Knowing full well what was to come, or perhaps that's why I was nervous, I didn't know yet how she'd react. Would she be furious or disappointed? The latter would be worse, I thought as I grabbed a glass of water and some food and walked back to the living room to hand them to her.

Taking it, Shiho met my eyes and stated, with her feelings well contained, "You brought me back."

"Yes. Do I get to defend my choice?" "Why? I told you I didn't mind at all, and I know you understood—why did you bring me back here?" She sighed and patted around herself to, I believe, find her phone. Biting the inside of my cheek softly, I shrugged. Realizing that was not an answer, I got myself together and cleared my throat. "I don't know how much you took, and you looked dazed, a lot dazed." She wasn't having it, but she wasn't interrupting either, so I continued in the hopes of keeping her calm and not upsetting her. "Things quickly heated up because of that..." "That?" I meant her being drugged, being out of it, being passed out, but it was wrong. 'That' hadn't been the cause of what had happened, I had been. Back then, I took it to heart, I got frustrated seeing her like that—no, not just then. That frustration had been building up since I had seen them in the club, since she told me she had been with Sanzu, when she called him by his first name, when she brought me to his house, his den. I didn't even feel it grow inside me until I realized how deep she was already in, until I realized I had been the reason why she had met him.