Deranged Love - Hanma Shuji

Chapter 15

The car ride was silent. Except for the radio playing, not one word had been spoken for almost half of the ride. Landscapes were passing by at full speed, my eyes focusing on a tree, then the other, then I'd look up at the cloud-covered sky and sigh. It was rare for Hanma to stay silent for such a long time, so I broke that silence by asking, "Is there anyone there that we need to keep an eye out for?" I feared speaking would make him let go of my hand, that it was an action that would only hold on as long as we didn't mention it, or didn't talk at all—but he didn't let go and replied, "They're all bastards, you can't trust nobody except me. But nothing's stopping you from starting shit if you want." He shrugged, throwing me a side glance to gauge my reaction. I was too focused on looking at his hand to notice it, it was only when I looked up that I met his gaze and felt my cheeks flush. When I tried to pull my hand away in embarrassment, he stopped me and brought it back to his lap, smirking, "What? I can finger you but I can't hold your hand?" Even if he seemed confident and he was playing it off as teasing, hurt was also written in his eyes, although fairly well hidden.

"I didn't say that." "Yeah, then why did you let go, doll?" I couldn't believe this was happening, it felt like a couple's quarrel and it also didn't make sense. Was I not the one who had been reading too much into all of his actions, was I not the one who had been reaching for whatever I wanted for this to be? As he let go of my hand and placed his back on the wheel, he focused back on the road with a straight face, now angry. I reached out for his hand and held it tight between mine, "I don't know what the fuck is happening but I'm going to need you to stop acting like that—no, you know what? You're not allowed to act like that because—" Cutting me off, he pulled the car to the side and my heart jumped to my throat. I suddenly regretted speaking those words with such confidence. When the car was stopped, Hanma fully turned towards me and forced his hand out of mine, "I'm not allowed to act like what, doll? What's going on that you don't like? Are you saying we can fuck but I can't touch you? That's not what was going on earlier—" "Quit putting words in my mouth that I didn't say! I didn't say any of those things!" I raised my tone.

With a quirked eyebrow, he leaned forward, his right arm resting on the back of my seat as his face got closer to mine, his eyes darting to my lips a short moment before the man turned around and started the car again. Before he could do anything, I turned the power off and grabbed him by the jaw, forcing him to look at me, "I hate mixed signals! And you're giving nothing but that, so set your damn priorities straight. I don't know about you but I know what I want."

"Isn't it to get dicked down? That's the message I've been receiving from you, doll." He replied with ease, that cockiness was back but had no place to be in this situation. It ticked me off so much, I didn't even see the anger rise. When he didn't make me let go of his jaw, my grip only tightened on it. "Are you for fucking real? Are you—I can't believe this." Letting go of him, I ran my hands through my hair and looked at him again, "It's not the time for this, but if you want to do this now, sure. Why not? Since you want to act blind." With a deep sigh, I met his surprised gaze that quickly turned into one lacking any emotion. Of course it was safer to go expressionless than letting me know what was going on in his head. "One word. No, many words: photo booth, Halloween, I'm not listing all of it actually, I just—" With a grunt of frustration, I clasped my hands on his cheeks and forced him to keep his eyes on mine, "I wanted to kiss you in the photo booth and you made fun of me, I don't think that was a getting dicked down message."

"Nah, but the others—" He tried to interrupt, but I interrupted him, "I'm talking! That's why I tried to fuck around with the cop, and then you got shot, right? You remember that, hm? I mean, how could you forget..." Hanma grinned, "Yeah, you sucked me off just as I woke up."

Squishing his face between my palms, I gritted through my teeth, "Shut up! Shut up, god shut the fuck up! For once? I get it, that game of yours, trying to condition me and shit, but don't you get it? You're not stupid! Or maybe you're acting like that on purpose cause you're a piece of shit." That must have been a bit too far since he held both of my hands and pried them off his face, his look losing its humor as he said, "Careful there, we're getting off the rails babe."