Calamity

LETTER FIVE

Camila,

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Are you even reading these? If so, please give me a sign that you are. Maybe even a postcard would be nice.

My birthday is right around the corner and everybody keeps asking me what I want. How do I tell them that the only thing I want is you?

God, I get so disgusted with myself thinking about feelings, but I can never resist myself the second I sit down at my desk and start writing to you. Ally says it's just the effect you have on me and I have to agree with her for the first time.

I hate thinking about it, y'know? It comes and goes like waves in the ocean. One second I'll be doing something completely unrelated and it'll just come rushing back to me. And... The times when I do want to think about it—my mind goes blank.

Caitlin Jauregui was my older sister. Or, I guess, Caitlin Morgado is the name she went by towards the end of her life.

We were eating pork chops. My dad was telling us a joke he heard from one of his employees when all of a sudden Caitlin stood up and slit her wrists with the steak knife.

I felt like I was inside a horror movie or something. I heard my mom screaming, the sound of the knife clattering, and saw how fast my dad moved across the dining room to go check on her.

I never really saw her again after that night. My mom forced me into therapy and she eventually had construction workers tear her room apart to make it into a home office so that she could be close to me.

The one time I finally asked about her, my dad immediately shut me down and forbid me from talking about it ever again. His face got all red and it was like the world was ending for him. And in a sense, it was.

After my mom had Chris and Taylor, it was like Caitlin never existed. But I never forgot about her.

I always kept up with her social media; Instagram, Facebook, and even Tumblr. I watched as she conquered life without her family and constantly berated myself on why I was too scared to even reach out. I told myself it was because I didn't know enough about what I wanted at the time.

I'm sure our rocky relationship can be used as proof of that.

I don't know if you remember, but there was a week during freshman year when we all disappeared. My dad told your mom we were going on vacation, but that's the last word I would used to describe it.

My mom got a call from a local New Haven hospital explaining that my sister committed suicide, and this time, succeeded in her efforts. We were asked to come identify the body and ran into her best friend, Makayla.

Her letter was... Horrifying to read.

She was having an affair with somebody she had no business being around and when she attempted to break it off, he refused and tried to convince her that he loved her as if she wasn't just some disposable toy to him.

It made me sick to my stomach reading it—knowing the sadness and pain my sister went through within the last few hours of her life. I never had any intentions to get you involved with my family business.

Because I'd never do anything to hurt you, and you may not believe me after everything I've done, but please just trust me this once.

I'd like to explain the rest of it in person, if that's okay with you. I figured maybe giving you a glimpse of the story would be enough to convince you to write me back.

Don't keep me waiting, okay?

Lauren