envy | tommy shelby imagines

[11] Sweat Seeping, Consumed Confessions

"We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades out eyes,
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.-"

We Wear The Mask - Paul Laurence Dunbar

YOUR POV

PLUMES of smoke rose towards the golden ceiling, dancing with the air as they floated, waltzing in time with drunken singers. Arms perched against the bar, i clean the spilt drinks of the night. One inch at a time, I find more and more. The bar is always the busiest place to be in a pub, you know why? Every man finds emotional comfort with a barmaid.

It's nothing short of free therapy to them, their worn eyes finding mine and mistaking my job for their solace. Listening to wife problems to war troubles, both sending a shake in their voice as it tries to carry the confession to my ears. Little do they know, I carry more than most on this weary back of mine. The weight of boulders perched against my shoulders, cracking the bones underneath every time a drunken sob story gets added to it.

My eyes never leave the smoke as it fills the building, wishing I could be that free; wishing with a little fire I could dance in the wind like that, I could curve and mould around any surface to best suit my journey. Instead, it's as though my fire has been put out in water, nowhere to escape, the smoke drowning in captivity. The only prison I live is within the walls of my mind, and unfortunately no one can set me free.

"I'm sorry to hear 'bout your wife, Frank, but maybe take her on a date and she might think about sex again?" This is what my life has come to, consoling a piteous man complaining his dick isn't wet enough.

Meanwhile, the chains around my mind are grating, pounding against the walls begging to be set free.

I divert my gaze from the ceiling, to find Harry. To tell him I'm finished for the night.
The sweat builds on my palms, feeding poor souls whilst starving my own shows outwardly after a while.

The beads sprint down my brow, one by one they fall like dominoes, each one eager to win the race. Shaky hands holding onto my apron trying to figure out the knot that holds it. Like a Chinese finger trap, I'm enclosed forever, I cannot find a way out. The fabric sticking to me, every fibre I can feel on my skin from the scratchy blouse to the stained apron.

"Hey love, need a 'and?" I heard the angelic voice, the orchestra play through my ears. Making the pounding seize if only for a moment. Eyes casting towards the sound, I find my Tommy wearing a foreign look on his face, confusion.

Not trusting my voice any longer, I nod sheepishly. The weight only growing, wanting to be free of this place, these clothes, these people.

He stood, one hand in his waistcoat pocket, pulling the last drag of his cigarette before stamping it out in the ashtray, they smoke only slightly leaving his lips before he makes his journey to me.

With soft hands, and the cloud of smoke, he unties me. Under his grip, I shake, my chest feeling as if it were going to combust, like a car bomb. Leaving me in the smallest of pieces in its wake.
His hands remain on my waist, slowly finding my arms with a soft grip.

His eyes like sky's trying to search for mine, trying to see what he can do, but to no avail. The cold sweat continues to form, coating me all over in its wrath; the shaking like a glass in a cupboard, watching it to see if it will shatter under his glance or if it will return to stabilise.

"I need to leave now, I'll see you later Tommy" my hoarse voice barely carries out, too afraid to let him hear my voice but the fear of him seeing me vulnerable outweighs that. Sharply; I move to the front door, legs heavier than I can ever remember. The walk felt a mile long, but when I reached the handle, turning it under my wet palms having it slide all around.

But at last, I was slightly free.
The pain couldn't subside, the crushing weight sat on my chest like a bird on a fence in Spring. Perched there, never wavering. The breaths became short like days in summer, and the lights brighter than any star in the sky.

It was too much, once outside the door I walked to the nearest alley to slump against the wall. The world has become too much, I cannot bare it. There comes a time where your soul can't pretend it isn't hurting anymore, and when it becomes aware enough for this, it feels like the world is crumbling beneath you. It'll swallow you whole if you let it.

I hear footsteps, expensive ones and I knew who it was. I tried to blend in the dark but my laboured breath and hiccup gave me away.

"Hey hey, Y/N, you're alright it's all alright" the voice said, although I only heard it as a whisper. The clicking of bones as he bent to my level, trying to take me all in. Back against the concrete, legs curled in to keep myself safe and head buried like a squirrel with acorns.
He couldn't find me.

The breaths came out like a high speed train, ready to crash and burn any minute.

"I'm here, it's Tom, we're in Birmingham and we're safe. I'm here to make sure you're going to be alright. C'mon sweetheart, open those gorgeous eyes for me"
My head shook, shoulders violently shaking, the world seemed to close to me, I had no air, no room to breathe. "I'm gonna put my arm around your shoulder, it's just me you're safe" he stated as he came toward me, "you just need to breathe my darlin', let's just slow it down, breathe with me and everything will be alright" he started to count, me trying to follow in suit, to match him.

"That's it, you're doing it, now come on, do some more and we'll be better. You got it" his affirmation spurring me on. The sound of pride flooded my ears, and all of a sudden my worries seems obsolete. My Tommy was proud of me. After a while of following him in tandem, relaying my heart with his, everything came back into focus, like a camera fixing its lens.

The ringing in my ears subsided enough to hear the muttered "thank you" fall from my chapped lips.

A huff escaped him, as he shook his head and responded "No thank you needed, now why don't we go home and unpack that overflowing brain of yours for a while, make sure this doesn't happen again, ey?" I turn to face him, a small smile placed on his worn face as he searches mine for recognition.
A small nod escaped me, as we stood hand in hand to our apartment we shared.

There we spoke about the good, bad and the ugly until the crows and chicken awoke. We spent it laughing, crying, but most importantly, learning.

Hey all!!!
I'm sorry it's been so long! I couldn't find anything worth publishing for a while. I'm not that proud of this one however this is the most my brain has worked in a year so I'm taking advantage of it!!!

I hope you're all well! I'm sorry it took me so long, any inspiration/stories you wish to see drop me a message🖤

All love x