all the things i love about you| B.E.

•15•

"You know they don't like you"

"Why are you still trying ?"

"Why couldn't it work the first time ? The world would be better without you."

"Just die already."

"You didn't think the joy would last forever did you ?"

"It's all fake, so end it before you see it all crumble down."

"It's better this way, you won't feel the pain."

"No, no, no, stop" i yelled waking up from the dream, arising into a sitting position. Arms were soon around me. "It's okay, i'm right here, nothing will happen to you baby" she said in a comforting voice. I sunk in her arms trying my best not to sob.

"It's okay love you can cry" she whispered in my ear rubbing my arms up and down while her chin was propped on my head.

"I'm sorry Billie" i sniffled she only shushed me and held me as i let silent tears spilling out of my eyes onto the soft fabric of her shirt.

As expected i didn't get much sleep tonight but i could see Billie trying not to doze off to sleep to stay awake with me, that brought me a lot of guilt so i begged her to go to sleep. Which, thankfully she did.

I tried to fall back asleep but with no luck, i decided it would be better to do something else so i got my keys and got up to leave to take a walk around, i saw my phone sitting on the bedside, contemplating to bring it with me or not but decided against it.

With that, i was out of the complex and on the curb to try to get in a better headspace, while we are here, i think it's time for me to open up to you. You, as in the amazing people reading this.

I had a wonderful childhood, and an even better family. Something out of a happy ass movie. It all went downhill when i decided to date an asshole of a dude, his name's Dylan, he was a possessive piece of trash that really fucked me up, as i'm bisexual, he didn't trust me around anyone. As you know Kristal and i are as close as we can be. Sometimes acting a bit like a couple, that's when he cut me off from seeing her, or, anyone at that. It was like i was an object to him, i couldn't do anything without his permission and i got cut off from all my friendships. Luckily, i have amazing friends that did everything to help me out, they were always by my side no matter what. By my side meaning when he wasn't around.

During this relationship my mental health was at an all time low, i was diagnosed with bpd, depression, anxiety and along the way adhd. For me taking pills was not something i wanted, so i never did. When i was seventeen, i tried killing myself by jumping off a cliff. It was a really dark year for me, i was very bad at taking care if my mental health and still am. Similar to what is happening right now. I considered talking to someone but i always back out at the last minute. I progressively got better after i backed away from the cliff because of the barking of a dog that almost got hit by a car. Importance of life flashed before my eyes and i reflected on what i was about to do for days. I even wrote letters to my loved ones because i was sure i wasn't coming back home.

Coming out, when i came out, my most important people were supportive of me, everyone except for my grandparents from my mom's side. We really don't talk to them much so fuck them.  My cousins weren't thrilled about the idea either but what are they gonna do ? Send my to an all girl school? But anyway back to the present.

I'm now at a park, it's 4am so i doubt a kid would be mad at me for being on the swings. I was here for a long time engulfed by my thoughts that were racing back and forth in my mind.  I find peace in a few people, Connor, Gaël and Kristal. But since i've moved to LA, my mind has only been circling around one person, Billie. Though i don't mention it much, i have a big fat crush on Billie. I'm scared she might not feel the same, i'm scared of a relationship to be honest. But, Billie do be Billie and Billie is the most wonderful person i've ever met, she's nice, beautiful, caring, and very hot. End of thoughts because i thought enough for today.

I have now gotten up from the swings and i'm walking aimlessly but my mind still going back to darker thoughts unable to make light of it.

———————

Billie's POV

I felt Hayden moving and squirming besides me so I opened my eyes to see her eyebrows furrowed and a tear escaping her closed eye. I heard her murmure a series of 'no's' and she shot up awake.

I quickly jumped into action and out my arms around her, but not too tight to not suffocate or overwhelm her. She buried her face in my chest while she held her breath to stop her from crying. I told her it was okay to cry but she still didn't let anything out. I did feel tears wetting my shirt. It's alright, I like my shirt soggy. She got out of my arms and brought her knees to her chest.

After a long day of press, I was really tired but I wanted to be there for her. She saw me struggling to keep my eyes open and told me to go ahead and catch some sleep. I felt guilty leaving her but I know she felt more guilty that i wasn't catching any sleep. So I fell back asleep, for her.

I woke up around six because I was feeling cold, I look over and see the Hayden is no longer in bed. She must be in the bathroom or the kitchen so I wait for her to come back. After 15 minutes she's still not back, I got up and saw her phone in her bed side table. I think she's still the house. I make my way towards the kitchen, empty and dark. Same for the bathroom. I hesitantly knock on Kristal's door to assure myself that Hayden is safe, I hear her hum lowly. I opened the door a tad bit to see only her in the room.

"Have you seen Hayden ?" I questioned her. Her eyes eyebrows furrow and she shakes her head. She gets up quickly and makes her way to her room. Seeing her phone on the table she curses under her breath. Okay I'm totally not panicking.

"Where is she ?" I asked my voice shaky.

"I don't know. She must be out for a walk or something."

"A walk at 6 in the fucking morning ?" I questioned.

"She used to that back home. She'll be back."

"Kristal, I don't think you understand, this is fucking LA. Anything could happen and the people around her wouldn't give a shit." I said my breathing getting heavy.

"Hey, don't worry, she's a big girl, she knows how to protect herself. She'll be alright." Kristal reassures me.

Inside I was freaking out, I couldn't let anything happen to her. I promised her and I promised myself. I just hope that she's okay.