The one he didn't want

Prequel

"Dear Leon...I wonder about you every day. I wonder where you are now, what you could be doing, or even what it is that you might have eaten in a day. Although I know you don't worry about me in the same way I like to pretend that you do and by tomorrow you'll be walking through my front door using the spare key that I would hide just for you. I miss you...and I love you still and I hate myself for doing so because it's not fair to her. Kim Leon why....why me, why us, why at the time I needed you most.
~Jullian

Writing that letter seemed harder than giving birth.....but I'm used to the pain I was used to being alone until I gave birth to my daughter Hee-Ari.

As you might have noticed from the letter I am a single father to a three-year-old at the age of twenty-five. Since Leon, my ex-boyfriend left when he found out I was already a month pregnant with Hee-Ari I was left to fend for myself. Leon wasn't ready to become a parent he had a career as a world-known actor while I had nothing but my love for him and a dream that we would be together forever.

As you can see that shit didn't fucking work out it's almost laughable but I pity myself I really do. I wasn't aware i carried a genetic that could give me the chance to bare children as it was extremely rare but apparently my great grandfather was a product of male pregnancy which no one fucking told me about because they thought it would end with my generation ... maybe then I wouldn't have been so careless if I knew.

"Dada" a small voice called out it was similar to a whisper if you didn't listen closely you would think your mind was playing tricks on you.

I snap out of my depressing thoughts and put a big smile on when I see the round puffy face of my half-awake daughter my happiness the light that got me threw the dark.

She rubs at her eyes cutely before pouting at the sun beaming on her face.

"Hello princess good morning" I scoop her into my arms and plant kisses all over her dumpling filled cheeks. "To early!" Hee-Ari exclaims pushing my face away from her all while keeping a precious gummy smile on her face...oh that little face.

She looks so much like him that sometimes I have to try my hardest not to break down in front of her because every time I see her little face I'm reminded of what left and what I was given to fill the gap.

It still hurts having to watch a man I spent five years with on the media everywhere I look acting as if I and my daughter don't exist. As if what we had never existed I am nothing to Leon I probably never was.

"Dada I'm going to be late to daycare if we do not hurry" Oh shit.

To say Hee-Ari's only three years old the girls extremely fucking intelligent and even has to keep me in check sometimes like right now for example.

"Ah your right ok let's get to moving you can pick an outfit first and then I will help you freshen up and do your hair let's move tiny soldier" She gives me a playful salute and runs off to her room giggling.

I really do try my best, especially for her I have to if not me then who. "All done Dada get up get up!" I chuckle and quickly make my way into the bathroom where Hee-Ari is waiting for me.

I turn the tap on and take a cloth letting it soak under the warm water before draining it. "Close your eyes, Ari" she squeezes her little eye's shut as I gently wipe the sleepiness from her face. After I help brush her teeth and then I brush mines and wash my own face.

It's thankfully not hard to get Ari dressed because she isn't picky. I change her diaper and place her in warm clothes since the weather is starting to drop here in New York.

I tie her hair neatly into two pigtails and place two bows on each side of her parted hair.

Getting Hee-Ari to daycare went better than expected and today we were only three minutes late which is a huge improvement for us. I send her off with a kiss on the forehead and watch as a staff member greets her with a smile and guides her into the building with all the other children.

I stand in place for a moment and imagine how dropping Ari off would be different if Leon was here too. He doesn't even know what she looks like or her name because he never bothered to ask he doesn't bother to check in on us and if not me I at least wish he was there for Hee-Ari.

It breaks my heart having to tell my daughter that her father works far away and that's why she doesn't see him. It's getting harder to lie to her every day and it's hard for me to see her so upset when I pick her up from daycare and she sees other kids with the ideal two parents which she doesn't have.

I keep telling myself maybe I should move on for her be strong and find someone who will accept us but most importantly her and be there for her where I am lacking.

But I'm stuck in love with a man that wants nothing to do with me or my child. At this point, I'm still glued to the spot I saw Hee-Ari off to and that's in the parking lot of her daycare.

The tears I didn't realize I build-up started to fall they started to burn me like trails of lava leaving red burn marks on my freckled skin.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression

The five stages of grief but...will I ever unlock the one I yearn for the most.

Acceptance