HEART DESIRES

THE FIRST EYELOCK

April

I was a happy girl in highschool, you know the cheerful one. Teachers favourite and a "A" grade student. My father and mother are the best supportive and loving parents one can ever have. My brother is adopted and he is elder to me. My parents thought they would never have their own child so that's why they went for the adoption.

But God does magic, maybe sometimes a little late. Later after two to three years after my brother was adopted I was born. You know the three of them have pampered me with so much love. There was nothing in this world I could have asked them and they refused to give me that as gift.

The only thing I never told them about was my first love, that unrequited love. The only reason behind it was they can buy all the expensive things in the world. They can buy me all the things that owe me little happiness. But they can't buy me someone's love and care, even if they earn so much.

Definitely they never did, because I never told them about. You know why I don't try to feel much about the people around, the world, because for once if they regraded you as someone imperfect...how much you try? Whatever fucking thing you do in life there will be still some or the other person out there...for whom you will be imperfect in that field.

I craved love, my heart desired one...but you know I couldn't just end up becoming someone's need..I wanted to become someone's want, someone who had a heart which desires me equally the way mine does for theirs. You know novels and movies like "To all the boys I have loved before" did set up my expectations too high about love..i wanted that perfect Peter kavinsky who was head over heels in love with Lara Jean. But again unfortunately the world has its own policy, I will leave someone to love someone else...he will leave me to love Someone else other than me. I know that there are exceptions...but the naked truth of life doesn't change much.

I was an average girl, won't say I was very pretty. Because inspite of that time when the girls at my age loved to dressup, go to proms, wanted to party..I was lost in books. I had friends, because I was bubbly in nature but hardly do have a friend who truely wanted to be with me. They knew I was bubbly, cheerful, good in studies so if they will be good to me..maybe in future I will help them somehow.

You know, now when I look back I find children at school are so selfish. At that time we don't realise it but later, when one thinks about it...the reality seems different. Inspite of growing together there is still a lot of selfishness and jealousy.

It was the time, when we all just got free from our exams and now were preparing for college. I had a guy bestfriend from school, you can say a heartthrob according to what all the girls at school thought him as. Jack Smith, was his name. The girls were ready to kiss the ground he walked on. He was my bestfriend as his parents and my parents were close friends.

Girls always envied me, afterall their favorite boy was someone so close to me. And you know the  attitude of those girls at Highschool...they think so high about themselves like they are queen Elizabeth of England. And when they are milk toned the jealousy level increases beyond anything. It's not like every fair person is like that but when someone is brown or tanned they try to bring you down, white privilege is still prominent and pervasive in most of the countries in the world so it was quite common that the girls used to think less of me because of my tanned skin or probably brown skin. Which was not like milk and wasn't white like theirs.

Inspite being a studious girl, a girl with smart features, big beautiful eyes. There were some people out there still questioning me because of my skin color. But I used to calm myself down because I am God's child, and as precious as the trees, the moon, and stars.

Jack never looked down on me but that doesn't mean he complimented me, probably because most of the times he was dependent on me. Typical bad boy in school, no interest in studies, playing around with girls and then crying after a girl used to ditch him while he had soft corner for her. I used to advice him to stay away from all this but boys are not so good when it comes to listening. But as a bestfriend he was very protective. I never felt that he would ever try to hurt me in any manner.