Got Me Captive (Got Me #1) | ✓

21

Hindi ko alam kung saan ako iginiya ng katawan ko. Ang alam ko nalang ay nasa isang madilim na kwarto na ako. Isang siwang lang ng kurtina nagbibigay tanglaw sa kwarto. I cannot vividly remember how I was able to book a hotel but I did.

My mind was in maelstrom. My heart was benumbed and my body as well.

The only thing that renders me to burst into tears was the thought of Xanti. His face. His laughter. I feel like I failed. I fucking failed to protect him.

Pinuno ko ng hagulgol at sigaw ang kwarto. I threw the bottle of liquor and as it shatters against the wall, I can feel the fragments of crystals hitting and cutting my exposed skin.

I can hear my own sob. It hurts me even more. I'm in a dark place again. Literally. Having no one to cry on. No one to explain myself to. I kept on convincing myself I did what I had to do. I kept on shoving in my head that he deserved it. But really, why don't I feel light?

Ang bigat. . . It did not make me feel relieved. Bakit hindi ako kontento? Bakit parang mas pinabigat lang niyon ang sitwasyon? I stared at my hands, it was clean now but I can see the terrible blood shrouding it.

I was unscathed when I got out of that miserable place. No holes in any part of my body . Walang masakit sa kahit anong parte ng katawan ko, bukod sa kamao kong ilang beses na humalik sa mukha ng mga tauhan niya, ngunit para akong dinaganan ng langit sa bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

It shouldn't be this fast. . . the regrets.

The thought of the man bleeding beside me because it's me who caused it flashed in my mind. It squeezed my heart. Ayokong maramdaman iyon. Hindi ngayon na nagawa ko na at hindi na mababawi pa.

I have to face the consequences. It's devouring me whole. The remorse, regret. I've spent my life being like this. Bangungot ang katumbas ng pagkitil ko ng buhay. It became inevitable.

Kahit na anong pagiwas kong isipin ang lalaki ay pilit iyon binabalik ng utak ko sa isipan ko.  I saw how his face was painted with pain as I shoot him. His thick brows became furrowed with a lot of questions. I shot him when he did nothing but be on my side at that very moment. My last sight of him was when he covered his bloody shoulders with his hand. Hindi ko na muli siya dinapuan ng tingin dahil sapat na ang nagawa ko. Sapat na ang mga nakita ko.

I hate how anger can make a person a different person. I hate how it can easily take over my mind and do things without thinking.  There's no point blaming anyone or even anything. I did it. I am accountable for anything I have caused. The aftereffect of it bad or pleasant, I have to face it.

Nanunuot pa rin sa isip ko ang mga sinabi niya. We benefitted each other through a fair trade of insults and disparaging remarks. Yes, he did not hurt me physically but how about the emotional aspect of myself? It's my pride and my choice to fight for myself that resulted a breathless man.

Umupo ako sa isa sa mga upuan roon at ipinikit ang mata ko. I can see what happened. I tucked the unkept hair touching my face. Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko sa gilid at nakita ko ang reaction ni Gunther kanina. Kahit saang ko ianggulo ang ulo ko ay nagmistulang sirang plaka ang hitsura niya nang paputukan ko siya.

"Oh, fuck this! Why won't you get out of my fucking head?!" sigaw ko pa sa kawalan.

Nilango ko ang alak na nasa harap ko ngunit hindi iyon nagbago. Ni hindi ako malasing sa ilang botelya ng inumin na nainom ko.

After a minute, I found myself riding a cab and going to Gunther's house. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa isip ko. Basta namataan ko nalang na nasa harap na ako ng bahay nila. Ni hindi ko nga maalala paano ko nahulaan ang address ng bahay niya. I was infront of the gate as I pressed the doorbell. Naghintay ako doon habang unsiyaming napapasuklay sa nakaladlad kong buhok.