Loving You as a Friend [BL]

Chapter 24: Tap. Tap. Tap

Ren finally realised how cruel his actions were, how selfish he was trying to push for it. Was he only trying to change something because of what Haru said, or was it because he finally realised something? But if something changed, what did he want out of it? And what should he do with his feelings for Shin? Was he allowed to like two people at the same time? Is he allowed to want to stay with the same people he's been with since the beginning?

"Miyamoto, if I was purposely giving you hope, would everything about us change? Would you accept the changes happening between you and me?" He threw the question they both avoided out into the open, he needed to properly define their relationship. He needed to know.

Haru pursed his lips, not wanting to answer, knowing that once he did, all his years of effort would go to waste. Applying some force to his push, Haru tried to shuffle out of their position and run away before he got caught once more.

Not changing their relationship now was the best outcome for all of them.

Holding him back once more, Ren couldn't help but blurt out, "You don't have to keep sacrificing yourself for me. I want you to be selfish for me, I want you to choose yourself over me and Shin-kun. I want you to choose me."

"Then what about you? If I chose you, would you choose me? Or would you still choose him?"

"I want to try it with you."

"Then I can't choose you because I want a defined relationship with you."

Saying nothing more, Haru reluctantly left his warm embrace and turned away, never once looking back. If he wasn't firm now, when would he be able to turn his back on Ren?

Watching him leave with a complicated expression, Ren couldn't describe the turmoil in his heart, only knowing that perhaps even after everything, it would all just fade away and nothing would have ever happened between them.

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Sneaking out to the garden, unable to calm down, Alexis thought he might be able to reset his mind before trying once more to fall asleep. Although the night was cool with the wind blowing and the sky was shrouded with the clouds, he felt like this was the right place he was meant to be. Letting his feet take him wherever, his mind wandered back to his conversation with his father. Why was he still clinging onto the possibility of seeing him once more when, by looking at it objectively, the chances of it were significantly close to zero.

But even so, if he managed to see him once more, what would he say? How should he even react after that person left with such a message?

"Fuji-san, would you hate me if I left you? Would you hate me even if there was a chance of us meeting once more?"

At that time, Shin couldn't immediately give an answer, only vaguely shaking his head. He didn't know if he could, he didn't know if he could smile happily after knowing they had parted ways.

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I want to know how you would feel. If I had ever left you, would you still be able to love (suki) me? Would you still be able to love (koi) me even if I became a different person?"

But now, things have changed. Shin continued to walk further into the garden, now fully realising how cold it was without an extra layer. Finding a spot clear of any fallen debris, Shin hugged his knees to his chest, trying to conserve his warmth in anyways. "If you ask me again now, do you know how I would reply?"

Resting his cheeks on his knees, he finally gave a soft, gentle smile, staring out to the side, "I would say, 'How can I not love you if I never stopped after all this time?'. Can you believe that all it took was a gentle but assertive confession topped with a light kiss, for me to wonder if it was alright for me to hide away my feelings for you and love another person?" Cutting himself short, he realised what he just said, scoffing at his own words, "Not that I could ever love another person apart from you."

Only the wind heard his remark, carrying it far, far away from him. Not wanting to say any more in fear of reliving his emotional turmoil, Shin stared blankly out towards the garden, with nothing in mind.

Close by, Haru was sitting on the rooftop instead, looking down towards the garden and overseeing everything. He was there the whole time, noticing him say something but was unable to hear it. As for why he was sitting on the roof, he just needed to go somewhere to cool off his mind. He had already said too much and everything was already well within his predictions.

Although he was dressed heavier than Shin, the night was still ruthless, causing him to cast a wind barrier to protect himself. He sent one down to Shin even though deep down, he felt complicated and did not have a positive attitude towards him for the time being.

Nighttime was something others found creepy or scary, but for Haru, it was a time he could truly relax and unwind, for him to calm down and rethink his day. But most importantly, it was a time for him to ignore his feelings, for him to ignore others, for him to become invisible to the world around him.

Finally letting loose, Haru relaxed his body, sinking his weight onto the roof. He created little gaps in his barrier to allow a gentle, cool breeze to pass through, just enough to create a comfortable temperature within his barrier. No longer paying attention to Shin, Haru was planning to stay up there and returning whenever he felt like it.

He himself thought he would be in more despair after everything but surprisingly, he felt lighter. There was no longer a heavy feeling on his chest. He did what he had to do, he said what needed to be said and now, he would just have to play it day-to-day.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Quietly humming to himself, Haru noticed someone come up to him but did not bother to look up. He had already guessed it but playing along with their antics, he pretended to be innocent and asked, "Who's there?"

"I wonder?"

Although he wasn't looking at them, he could already see the smile on their face. Confirming something in his mind, Haru simply said, "I guess I wasn't wrong."

Taking a seat next to him, Haru increased his barrier to include them, hearing a mumbled thanks. Both of them had a silent agreement to not look at each other, for reasons unknown. Not wasting any longer, that person immediately asked, "When did you know?"

"It wasn't too hard seeing all the little clues you scattered around."

They made a sound of acknowledgement, but chose to not continue the conversation. Letting the silence take over, Haru simply sat there and waited for them to ask. To ask that specific question.

He could see them shift their eyes nervously, unsure if they should before noticing Haru's small nod. "Then... What do you plan on doing now?"

He gave a small smile, retracting his legs and hugging them closer, "I don't know."

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A/N

Just to clarify why it changes from suki  好き →   koi 恋 and why not ai 愛

Koi is a love for the opposite sex, or a feeling of longing for a specific person. It can be described as romantic love or passionate love. While ai has the same meaning as koi, it also has a definition of a general feeling of love. Koi can be selfish, but ai is a real love.

Hope this makes sense :))