Secrets, Struggles, & Soulmates - Scarian

Chapter 7

TW WARNING
Suicidal Thoughts
Mentions of Alcohol Abuse
Mentions of Domestic Violence
   
   

{Unknown POV}

As I sat alone in my bed, that day repeating in my head over and over again, I couldn't help but wonder. Was it really an accident? I know just how much I regreted and still do regret it but in that moment, was I angry enough to have meant it? Did I really want to kill him? The tears flooding my eyes only got worse. He was my friend too, I never wanted to physically hurt him. Or at least I wish I never had. My feelings simply made no sense to me, they were too strong, I wasn't in control when I thought of him. I don't know why I'm speaking in the past tense, I'm still not really in control when it comes to him. I still love him and I'm not sure that could ever change. What can change however, is the way I act towards other people. It just hurts too bad when I see him falling for someone who isn't me. It's selfish, I know, but I can't help it. I wish I could be happy for him, and maybe I could if he found someone who loved him back. I wish Mumbo would've returned those feelings, Grian would be happy, I would be happy, and none of this would've happened in the first place. I'm sure he thinks I pushed Mumbo on purpose, that I wanted him to die, that I did it purely because I wanted the blonde all to myself, but that's not true. I've always wanted what I believed was best for him. I handled that poorly, and what I thought was best for him really wasn't. I wanted Mumbo to leave so Grian would get over him, the plus to that being that maybe he'd love me instead. I hated seeing Grian hurt every single day because his love was hopeless. Sometimes he would come to me and cry for hours, talking about how much agony loving Mumbo caused him. But now Mumbo's gone, Grian only wants to see Scar, I can't tell if I caused him more anguish than he would've ever felt from Mumbo. The selfish part of me still wants to replace Scar, but the logical part of me knows it's better for me to just stay out of his life. I've ruined it enough as is.

I decided I would go pay Mumbo a visit since that's what I did everytime I couldn't get the subject out of my mind. So I put a raincoat and boots over my pajamas and walked to the area in question. When I arrived I kneeled in the wet dirt, not even bothered by the fact my clothes were all dirty. I caressed his headstone gently, tears falling down my eyes once more. "I'm sorry." I murmured softly. "I hope you're in a better place now, that you don't have anything to worry about, that you have friends who'll always care about you. Never hurt you the way I did." I took a deep breath and sighed. "If you're in heaven now, I guess that means that you know I never meant to hurt you. I- I just wanted to scare you. I never planned to push you, and I sure as hell never planned to kill you. I didn't mean to. All I wanted to do was threaten you. It was without doubt the worst decision of my entire pitiful life. You were right, you know? What you said that day... that horrible, horrible day. It's better if he finds someone else, if I stay out of his life. Forever."

As I was about to say something else, I heard footsteps walking towards me. I jerked my head in the direction of the noise to see a brown haired boy wearing his signature sunglasses, "W-what did I-I just hear?" He stuttered, hesitantly coming closer. "I-" The words wouldn't leave my mouth. I turned back to face Mumbo's headstone and quietly mumbled the words "I never wanted this." Ren's expression switched from a mix of fear and shock to a sympathetic one. He sat in the mud next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. "Never wanted... what?" He spoke as if he knew the answer, but I knew he didn't. "Life. I never asked for life, I never wanted it either." Ren's eyes widened. "Can I ask you why?" He questioned hesitantly. My gaze focused on his, I couldn't keep this in much longer.

"My parents were both heavy drinkers, they fought and threw empty bottles at each other almost every night. They paid minimal to no attention to me whatsoever, so I was never thought things like emotional control or how to keep things to myself. Growing up I never had any friends since I accidentally offended them most of the time. I had anger issues and no idea how to deal with them so I was extremely violent. I was nothing but trouble to my parents so they kicked me out as soon as I turned eighteen. Ever since then I've made myself a shell I swore I'd keep everything inside of. I tried my best never to show any emotion but something changed when I met him. I fell in love and my shell was full, I couldn't keep myself from doing what I thought was best for him. I was too captivated by the vicious red cloud fogging my vision and I pushed Mumbo. I never meant to hurt him though, I just wanted to scare him. It should've been me. I should've been the one to fall off that cliff."

Ren was visibly on the verge of tears. He then hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear. "What happened to you was terrible, what happened to Mumbo was terrible, but you need to let go of the past and look towards the future. The choices you make now are the ones that actually mean something. You can make a bright future for yourself if you stay here on this earth. You are the choices you make, not the choices you've made." His words reached my heart in ways I could never explain. Nobody had ever told me anything quite like this. A sad smile made its way onto my face as I thanked him. I was slightly confused though, "Why don't you hate me though?" He looked at me, a shocked expression on his face. "Why would I hate you?"

"Because of what I did?"

"Did you mean to do it?"

"No."

"Do you regret doing it?"

"More than anything else in my life."

"It was a bad accident, why should I hate you?" He had pulled away from our hug and was looking right into my eyes. I simply shrugged my shoulders, "I... I don't know." I glanced at Mumbo's headstone again before getting up on my feet. "I need to go." I said hastily, catching the worry of the taller boy. "Where are you going?" Concern sprinkled his words. "Home." I responded blankly.

He tried to say something else but I was gone before he could. I speed walked home because I knew I had to make this right. I could fix this. I know I can fix this, and after that, everyone will see.
  
   
    

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