Behind every mean girl...there's a tragedy

We're breaking out of the cage

"How are you feeling this morning, Rachel?" Dr. Frey asks with her glasses sliding slowly down the bridge of her nose. She pushes them back up. "Are you going to talk today?"

I do want to talk to someone but not a doctor, a friend. I want to talk to Cassie. I want to apologize and make up everything up to her.

She is-was the only friend I had. Even though, I never barely said a word about myself or my life, I listened. That used to lessen my burden. Just hearing her talk about her life would brighten my day – not that I ever told her.

I kept everything good she's ever done for me at the back of my mind. I never thank her. I never told her how many times she had saved me from my own dark dark thoughts. I let her think she never meant anything to me.

"You can't keep coming here if you're not going to talk; it's not healthy. I can only help those who want to be helped not the ones who are being forced to seek it."

The words are on the tip of my tongue. My heart hammers in my chest every time I attempt to open my mouth. This is it, I'm going to finally say something, my brain chants. My breathing comes in short waves as my lips form the slightest opening. Nothing ever comes out. I stare at her. I don't know what I'm expecting her to do, to read my mind maybe. I need her to do something, why can't she feel it? What kind of shrink can't tell when their patients are trying to say something?

My brain pulses with the heat of the neurons overloading my body to will it to talk. I'm going to explode. Please, do something.

She continues to watch me with the clipboard in her hands. My nails bite into the sofa, my teeth sink into the plumb skin of my bottom lip, drawing blood.

"Rachel, are you feeling well?" She asks but her usually loud voice has become a squeaky murmur under the humming of blood in my ears.

"Do something!" I shout in my head. "Why can't you see I'm dying?"

To my utter shock, I see her leave her seat to walk to the door. Is she going to leave me here by myself? No, she can't. I can't be trusted to be on my own right now.

She suddenly appears in front of me with a bottle of water. "Drink this, you look like you could pass out at any moment."

The refreshing beverage slides down my dry throat without doing much good. The walls of my stomach constrict to throw the substance backup. I gag but nothing comes up. I shoot a look down to see scratches in the sofa in the exact same place my nails have been a few seconds ago.

She touches my forehead, "Did you take your medication?"

I faintly nod but I keep my head down to keep myself from rejecting everything that's in my body.

"You should rest. I'm going to call your mother to come pick you up." I push my head back and close my eyes.

A few minutes later, I'm being helped into my mother's car. She seats next to me, holding me tight. My eyes drop close as memories swirl around my head.

I can see all of the awful things I have ever done pass in front of my eyes, taunting me. A tremor rocks my body when I unlock myself from my mom's. I crave for somebody's affection but my mind can't seem to accept my mom's. With my forehead against the tainted window, I watch the busy city stroll by me. My mother's voice flows around my eardrums as something from a faraway land.

I don't know how I managed to reach my bedroom but the next thing I'm aware of is my teary eyes looking down my window. Falling two stories down probably won't make as much damage as I would like to endure but I will take anything instead of the emptiness inside my chest.

This is one of the moments when Sarah and Kenny usually make their guest appearance. At the moment, they're M.I.A. Fan-freaking-tastic! I'm not even good enough to get tormented anymore. What has my life gone to? What does it say about me when even the people in my mind are running away from me?

"Where are you?" I shout looking up at the ceiling. I don't know what I'm expecting. I've never had to conjure them before since they've always been omnipresent in my life. Not anymore.

"I thought you said you wouldn't leave me," I plead. "I thought you were always going to be there for me. So where are you when I need you? Where are you?" My throat burns at all of the efforts I'm putting it through.

I watch the ground coaxing me to join it. I should have done this a long time ago. Why didn't I listen to them sooner? I knew they were right all along but I was just so stubborn I didn't want to admit the truth – Nobody cares whether I live or die. They all want me out.

I've been gone for my mom ever since that day her eyes fell on Steven Reel. I kept holding to that last thread that tie us together but I feel it thinning as the days pass. Soon, I won't be her only child. I will be just a reminder of the past she doesn't want to remember.

I've driven my father off the loving cliff with my last stunt. He was the one who fought to only see the good in me but I had to go screw that up. Jenny wanted to help me but what did I do? I screw that up too. I think she left more because of me than because of my dad believing me over her.

Cassie was right – I can't be happy. Nobody has ever taught me how. My dad has been sad since forever, my mom's happiness is solely based on Steven, and all my friends before Cassie were as mad about life as I was.

"Sarah? Kenny?" I cry. "I don't want to die alone. You're all I have left. Please, don't let me die alone."

My knees shake faster as I watch the sleeping horizon. I try to get a grip around the window's side but my clammy hands keep falling off. After a couple of tries, I finally get myself sitting at the window watching one last time the blue San Francisco succumbing to the dark clouds of bad weather.

With a deep breath, I shut my eyes close, "Goodbye." I jump but I don't reach the ground.

Strong hands grab both of my hands and drag me up. I open my eyes. It's none other than Darwin.

"Come on, Rachel. What do you think you're doing?" He hisses. His eyes flash with anger but his voice contains a touch of desperation.

"No," I scream. I try to wiggle my hands out of his grip but he's too strong. "Let me go. I have to do this."

"No, you don't." With another pull, he drags me inside my bedroom. I instantly run toward the window.

He snatches me by my waist and drag me further away from my death. I don't want that. Living means more pain and disappointment. I don't want any of that.

"You don't understand, I have to do this. I have to." I sink my teeth on his forearm. He groans in pain behind me but his hold on me doesn't falter.

"I don't care. I'm not letting you." I punch my elbow in his side, he crouches down which give me enough time to run. The window's block with his body. Therefore, I try the door.

As soon as I open it, he pulls me back in. I scream louder. I scream, I bite, and punch but nothing works. My body eventually slums down with fatigue.

My bad leg is sore with all of the work I put it through. I can't get up. I watch my mom storms inside the bedroom in her usually femme fatale attire. My eyelashes droop down, sending me back to oblivion.

I wake up when I feel somebody's hands on me. I look up and find a man in his late thirties, dress up in blue scrubs, lifting my body off the bed. He places me into a moving bed. My bedroom slips pass me.

Where is he taking me? Where's my mother? Where is she? Mom, mom, where are you? Mom, don't let them take me away.

"I told you this would happen," Sarah gloats. "You should have listen to me."