the new day - samuel kiszka (greta van fleet)

12- only ones who know

*This ones short but the next one won't be. It's kind of just a monologue, but I thought it was important to have a Rowan reflection moment*

Rowan

I've never fully believed in a God. I'd like to think there's someone out there looking out for all of us, but at the same time I just cant bring myself to believe it. An almighty and graceful god wouldn't have let my mother die at the hands of a drunk driver.

The next three weeks of my life following the fourth of July party weren't my finest moments to say the least. I didn't talk to the Kiszka's, well, other than Ronnie and Josh, but even then it wasn't in person. They texted me almost every day, but I hardly ever responded. I missed hanging out with them, but I knew that the family was a package deal. It was something I once loved about them, and I still probably would if I wasn't trying to avoid Sam.

Self preservation is probably a word I would have been able to use if I wasn't being totally selfish. They always texted me and asked me to hang out with them. Instead of telling the truth, telling them I was having a rough time mentally, I just claimed I was busy. In reality I was almost always reading in my room or laying there and contemplating every aspect of my life. About a week into my lack of contact with everyone, I got a text from Sam.

Sammy
I miss being around you. We all do. Come over soon, okay?

I never responded. He tried to get my attention via the marble and window method he usually used on a couple occasions but I couldn't bring myself to open the window. He probably didn't know that I saw what happened, but I also didn't really think we needed to talk about it regardless. It wasn't my business after all. There was only about a month until school was supposed to start. I'd have to see him then, even though I was scared to. I didn't know if he was dating the girl, and I didn't know if we'd have classes together. A part of me wanted to ask Josh and Ronnie. To ask them if he liked her, maybe even loved her.

My dad new something was different. I stopped eating as much and I stopped talking to him in general. It wasn't even my feelings for Sam I was dwelling on at that point, I was in a constant cycle of overthinking about everything under the sun.

It was like I'd always been placed in a big crowd of people. I was one of millions who were just like me. Nothing extraordinary, nothing unique. I missed Josh, Ronnie, Jake, and even Sam. He was my favorite person to talk to. They made me feel different; like I was more than just a number, more than a check mark on a census or a name on the roster, like I was someone worth building a friendship with.

I've never fully believed in God. If he was there, he would cure depression, nobody would have to be homeless, and he would end all hatred and inequality. I've always believed in love being the most powerful force in the world. It took a whole three weeks to decide that I needed to move on. If Sam didn't need my love and care in anything more than a platonic way, that was alright. I knew I'd offer to be what he needed.