𝐏𝐔𝐃𝐃𝐋𝐄𝐒 | ✍︎︎

𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝟯𝟭

Okay, I get it, I wanted to sleep for a while, but I'm done now! I don't want to sleep anymore!

It's as if I'm screaming at nothing, because really I am.

There's no one but me and my thoughts, and I hate it.

I hate it, because for the first time I really do want to talk.

I never thought I had the choice to speak, my fear controlling me.

But really, I always had, I decided for the fear to control me.

And now that I don't have the option to speak, the opportunity to talk, I so desperately want to.

I only get glimpses of what's happening, of what's going on around me, and that's terrifying.

What's happening around me used to be the only thing I had, I observe, and then I use it to my advantage in case someone turns on me.

Now, I have no idea what's happening, no concept of time, no idea who is in the room and when.

I don't know who is saying what, what is being said, or what is going on.

The one thing I've had, the one thing that wasn't physical that gave me some sort of comfort has been ripped from my grasp.

With time, maybe I can accept it. Maybe this is the new normally, my new reality.

It surely can't be as bas as with my mother.

I don't really know when I started calling the woman who gave birth to me my mother, as a vice to mommy.

I think I've finally accepted what she's done to me, and I now know that it was wrong.

She was wrong, not me.

And I think I am ready for therapy, Adonis goes and he seems to be able to control his anger. Besides that one time with Usok.

Another fuzzy feeling invades my being, and I almost get giddy, like a movie has been loading and it's finally playing again.

"I can't believe you punched him over her going to school. Zara, mother hen, not wanting one of us to go to school?" The voice chuckles, a muffled slap resonating from what I'm guessing is Zaras shoulder.

From me going to school?

I ignore the tv static all together now, although I know I'll regret it later, I need now to think.

I need to think, because how in the world am I supposed to not dwell on the fact that Zara didn't want me to go to school.

School was one of the one things I wanted to do when I was with mommy. I could drown in the words from pages of books, embedded into my brain like a soft pillow to catch me when I've fallen.

School was something Thiago and I had fantasized about, I now realize. More memories of us have been coming back to me, and I feel more and more terrible whenever I get one.

Because I forgot about him.

I try not to think about that, instead think of the sentence worded for Zaras ears and not mine.

I get he was worried, as Usok was as well. His long speech about bullies has told me all I needed to know.

I wish I could ask questions of the sentence, of the words flowing out of someones lips like water.

But maybe I'm the one in the glass box, because it feels as though I'm under the dark water, I just can't find the glass. Sometimes, I find the top, a static fuzzy feeling running through my veins.

But right as I become aware, the serpents drown me again.

I can only hold my breath for so long.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I HAVE THE WORST HEADACHE

3 more chapters to go and then maybe I'll take a nap

omg a nap sounds so delicious rn

Thoughts? Feedback? Let me know!

QOTD: If you could make an ice cream flavor, what would it be? What's the name? How does it smell? How does it look?

Woah that was like 2.5 question of the days

Toodles!

~N