Back in the Saddle

Shit Gets Real

Annie

There's a lot I could say.  A lot.  But I haven't got a clue where to start.

    All things that happen have a reason.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Newton's Law.  It makes sense, right?  I've believed that, for as long as I can remember.  I break things off with Steven, I end up with Joe, Steven ends up with Charlie.  Steven breaks things off with Charlie, he ends up with Julia and now Lainey.  I get self conscious about Joe getting bored with me, Joe takes a keen interest in Lainey.  One thing leads to another, forever and always.  What you do today effects how you'll act tomorrow.  If you could go back and change one little thing, it would effect your entire life to come.  Perhaps if you hadn't said one tiny little thing a very long time ago, you'd ben in a completely different situation.

    I'd like to be in a completely different situation.

    I was going to go ask Lainey where Joe was (last time I had seen him, he was with her), but before I could get myself to do it, she stepped out onto Steven's back deck.  I wasn't about to go out there and stand with her, for it would be terribly awkward; I don't much like Lainey.  She seemed a bit upset over something, but I hadn't a clue what it was, nor did I care.  I watched Steven look at Lainey outside several minutes after she went out there.  He stared through the glass, I'm assuming he was looking at her, with this dumbstruck look on his face.  I still had no idea where Joe was.

    Steven returned not even seconds later, immediately going into the kitchen and pouring himself a drink.  His face was pale like he'd seen a ghost... again.  He looked worse off than when he had seen Charlie earlier.  And he was pretty bad earlier.

    I was confused why he looked so pissed off.  The way he knocked back one glass, and then another, worried me.  So I went to check on him.

    "Steven?" I asked, approaching cautiously.  The look on his face said, Oh shit, but the look in his eyes was full of sorrow.  I was taken aback by the amount of pain in them.  "What's wrong?"

    "Annie..." he said softly, reaching out a hand.  Worried, I intasntly went to him; he hugged me tightly, face buried in my neck.  Why was he acting this way?

My first thought was that maybe Charlie somehow showed up at the house.  But that wouldn't be possible.  "It... It's okay," I said uncertainly.  I wasn't sure what he was so upset over, but he sure was sniffling a lot.

    "I..." he began, releasing the hug and leaning his back against the counter.  "This has literally been one of the worst days of my life."

    "How so?" I asked, humoring his overdramaticness.

    "Well, first I saw Charlie," he said, "which in itself is enough to kill me.  But now... Now..."  Steven trailed off, looking down at his hands.  "First, lemme just start off by saying that I am so so sorry for you finding out about Julia and Charlie the way that you did.  I wish I would've been honest with you from the start.  I didn't realize it would suck so much to see the person you thought you loved kissing someone else..."

    "Yeah, it does suck," I say dryly.

    "Yep," Steven agrees, hands in fists at his sides.

    But then everything clicks.  He's shaken up, he's pissed off, he's apologizing to me for something very specific, he understand how it feels to find out the hard way that your significant other no longer is faithful... "You don't mean..." I say quietly, unable to make myself any louder.  My voice shook, and I felt sick, though I'm not sure why I was so certain I knew what he meant.

    "Annie," Steven said sadly, "I'm gonna be forward, because I think you've had enough bullshit in the seventies alone to last you a lifetime.  So here goes... I was gonna go outside to stand with Lainey; I saw her standing out there.  I didn't think she was with anyone, but she was.  And- And... They were... It was... J- Joe," he finished, voice small and weak.  "Joe and Lainey were out there.  Talking at first, but then they... They were–"

    I hold up a shaking hand, hearing what I already assumed was happening.  "Don't say it," I said quietly.  "Please.  Don't say it."

    Steven nodded in understanding, biting his bottom lip.  He pulled me in for a hug again, I hid my face in his shoulder, trying not to cry, failing, and choking back a few dry sobs.  Steven moved his hand in circles around my back, slowly rocking back and forth.  We were alone in the kitchen, save for the few bottles of whiskey.  He started humming softly, sounding himself like he was trying not to let a tear or two slip, and I was reminded almost instantly of a very long time ago, under quite similar circumstances: Joe was with Elyssa, and was totally ignoring me.  We argued, and I went to my room until Steven came in and tried to make me feel better.  That was back before Steven and I were even together.  Back before Dream On was an actual song.  Before everything.

    But this hurt so much more.  My best friend, my husband, the guy I love, is kissing Steven's girlfriend, and she was kissing him back.  And I don't think anything could make me feel worse than that.

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A/N: "You unreliable piece of shit!" I exclaim to myself as I post this chapter.  Goddamn I'm sorry it's been way too long.