Back in the Saddle

Conflicted

Lainey

"Divorce."

The sun was below the trees by the time he'd told me everything. He'd touched on the parts I'd already heard: the "I wasn't happy" parts, the "is this a mistake?" parts, the "how is this happening?" parts. And then there were the new parts: the "yeah we talked" parts, the "I think she's unhappy, too" parts, the "no holding back" parts.

"Divorce?" I'd asked, taken aback by the word. I wasn't expecting it.

Joe shrugged. "What she said..."

"That's... big," I replied, unsure what else to say. "I'm sorry." And it was genuine.

He merely shook his head. "Nothing you've done," he says dully. "It's me... 'S all me. But she thinks it's her fault because I wasn't happy. And she doesn't wanna fix it, either... Which is frustrating in itself because– she– I– she– it's been a long time. We've been together for a long time... forever, really. And... And she just wants to throw it all away? How could she want to do that?! All we had... all we have... I mess up once and she's ready to get rid of me? What's with that?"

I still didn't know what to say. "Mess up?" I finally questioned. Is that what he thinks? That this–us–is a mistake?

Joe shook his head, lighting up a cigarette. "You know that's not what I mean."

I don't know why there were tears in my eyes. I wasn't upset too badly by his words–okay, I was, but for some reason I felt like that wasn't the reason there were tears. I guess it's because I felt bad for him– No, I felt bad for the situation. I know it's all my fault. Of course I'll blame myself. He cheated on his wife, and now she wants a divorce. He's gonna be pulled away from his family that he's had for however many years, all because of me.

I guess Joe felt the need to justify his answer because I didn't say anything. "It's not," he repeated, blowing out a puff of smoke. "I'm– I've been thinking about it."

And when he didn't say anything for quite awhile, I felt it okay to ask, "What?"

"Everything," he finally admitted. "Me and you, me and Annie, me and the band.... Everything. I don't– I don't wanna lose my kid but... I'm just not happy with her anymore. Annie, I mean. I'm not happy when I'm there. I actually look forward to touring... And that's saying something."

I didn't want to interrupt his monologue because I was afraid he might not finish speaking. So I didn't say anything.

"I just think... I think sometimes it just wasn't supposed to happen like that, y'know? I wasn't supposed to get married and have a kid... I was supposed to keep touring with Aerosmith. Hell– I wasn't even supposed to quit the band in the first place. It's all just what-ifs, Lainey. What if I wouldn't'a started a family? What if I wouldn't'a quit the band? What if I wouldn't'a joined back with the band? What if I never met you? See–"

"You'd still be happily married, if you would have never met me," I said, despite the question being rhetorical.

Joe again shook his head. "No, I wouldn't be happy still. I'd be just as unhappy...maybe even more so."

I wanted to argue against him. I wanted him to stay with his family. But I could see it: He really wasn't happy. He wasn't just saying it because he was bored or done with Annie... He just was simply not happy with the position he was placed in, and he wanted out. He told me it was affecting his work, his life... somedays he didn't want to even get out of bed in the mornings. So I didn't argue. I listened.

He ran a hand through his hair in stress, it seemed. He let out a puff of air, as though he was about to say something important. And, well... It was important. "I– I think this is good... This... This," he says, gesturing between the two of us. "Good for me. It's a change and– and I think I needed a change. Because, like... I'm finding myself happier. Sounds weird because you'd think I'm fucking up my entire life but... No, I'm not actually. I was fucking it up by staying where I was... It was like I was depressed or something. Probably was, but... But I don't feel that way anymore. There's days where I actually feel good again. I'm excited to go work on the new album, I'm ready for a tour... It wasn't like that before. It hasn't been like that in a really long time."

I was scared to ask, but, "So you agree with her? You want the divorce too?"

He didn't exactly give me an answer. He stubbed out the rest of the cigarette on the deck railing, looking way out at the trees, but seeming to focus on something else, that couldn't be seen. "I'm not happy Lainey, and I don't know how to fix it unless everything changes."

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A/N: oh my GOD. I COMPLETELY understand if you guys show up at my house in the middle of the night with pitchforks and an angry mob because what the HELL tomorrow it's December. And I haven't updated since the middle of OCTOBER. So here's this short chapter with a little insight to Joe's feelings and stuff so that's that and hopefully the next one will be longer and up BEFORE next year. I just wanted to post SOMETHING because it's been forever so I finished this up real quick and here it is so hope you enjoyed, don't forget to vote and comment because idk... I always say it. Well, for those that celebrate, hope your Halloweens and Thanksgivings were fabulous and fun and delicious. Thank you for reading you're ALL perfect!