Back in the Saddle

Don't.

"I need you."

Charlie

"Steven."

"Charlie...." Steven breathed. I wasn't expecting him to look so sad.

I asked the first thing that came to mind. "What're you doing here?"

Steven shook his head. "Wasn't thinking," he mutters. "Shouldn't have come here. My mistake. Sorry...."

I grabbed the door-handle when he put the car in reverse, so that he was unable to back up. "I didn't say you shouldn't be here. I asked why," I said.

"Had a thought I shouldn't'a had, and now I've realized I shouldn't have come. So, please, let me go."

"Please don't go," I asked. We looked at each other for quite some time.

"I've gotta go," Steven said, eyebrows knitting together. "Just like you did."

His words sent a twinge through my gut; I felt sick. "No..." Seemed to be all I could breathe out.

He started backing away again, and like a crazed, desperate person, I chased the car down the short driveway, latched onto the handle. "No, no, no, wait please," I begged, feeling like crying. But I wasn't going to cry. I needed I keep it together; I needed to stay focused; I needed to talk to him.

He sighed, exasperated. "Why, Charlie," he demanded to know.

"I– I..." I stammered, loosing my thoughts. "I need to talk to you."

"Not a good time," he said, now ignoring the fact that I held the door handle, and finishing backing down the driveway.

"Steven, wait!" I yelled as he pulled into the street. He could hear me, I knew. "Sorry," I said, "I'm sorry! And– please come back... I can tell you why..."

But Steven was already dwn the street, and probably couldn't hear me anymore.

"Goddammit." I traipsed back to the porch of my dad and Alice's house, head hung and feeling tears in my eyes. "I can tell you why," I whispered again. I sat on the steps, letting out a sigh and putting my head in my hands, staring out at the street. "I just..." I've officially lost it now: I'm talking to myself. "Ugh."

//\\

Steven

"I can tell you why," she yelled. I was halfway down the street though. She didn't see me stop the car and turn around at the nearest empty intersection.

Really, why she left is all I want to know. I'm the main reason, but it's got to be more specific. That, and I want to apologize for being the main reason. I had no right and it was absolutely wrong for me to do the things I did.

But I can't help but be upset that she would leave without a trace for eight years, and then suddenly want to start talking to me again. It doesn't make sense and she shouldn't be putting me on like this. It's wrong and unhealthy for the both of us.

Nonetheless, I'm back in her driveway.

The look on her face when I pulled the car up was that of shock. She was crying, which broke my heart a little. Whenever Charlie was upset, it would always put me in a sad mood as well, for some reason. But I can't help but be mad at her; she left, without a trace, without a reason, without saying goodbye. We were going to get married, have a family, all the good stuff. I don't know if she wanted a family, but I do...

Did.

I did want a family.

Anyway. I'm angry and frustrated and confused with her actions. I seem to get that way a lot, with Charlie, now that I think about it. Back when we were dating in the seventies, I put her through hell, with Annie and Julia and the drugs and all. But she doesn't realize that I was going through hell too! When she lied to me about everything, when she was dating Nicky, when she was avoiding me, when she lied to me again, and again, and again... When she fucking left me.