Back in the Saddle

Admittance

Annie

"Hello?" I called uncertainly

"Daddy!" Anthony yelled, helping me 'search.'

I closed my eyes and let out a whoosh of air. Anthony doesn't know what's going on; my parents told him that I was just upset but I would be okay by the next morning.

And I was, I guess. I decided to go home, and asked Steven if he'd like to join me, but he said he was going over to Boston, and wouldn't tell me why or for what. He wouldn't let Anthony come when he asked.

But now I'm home, after I left last night. And Lainey's car isn't in the driveway. Joe's is.

And there's Joe, on the couch, feet on the table, TV on, like the most normal situation in the world.

"Hey," he said. Also natural.

"Hi."

Anthony ran over to him, giving a hug. Natural. "How was your stay?" he asked Anthony.

I at first thought he was talking to me, and I was about to say, How was yours? But when Anthony answered, I held my tongue. "It was okay," Anthony said with a shrug.

"Just alright?" Joe asked.

"Yeah," Anthony said. "Was okay."

This conversation is so light–natural. It's making my blood boil. Joe looked to me. What, he's expecting me to go over there and we'll watch TV like the proper family we were? Were. Oh, god.

"When'd you leave to get him?" he asked me, sounding sort of confused.

"Huh?" But actually I was the one that should be confused because I didn't leave to get Anthony, I left to get away from Joe.

Joe frowned. "This morning," he explained. "I didn't see you. When did you leave?"

This morning? This morning. He thinks I left this goddamn morning?! "This morning?" I question softly.

"Yes, this morning. That's what I said."

"Well, you don't have to say it like that," I snap.

"What?"

"You know what," I say. And then he was really confused, but I didn't miss the guilt that flashed across his eyes. It was there for maybe half a second, but I saw it. Believe me, I saw it.

Joe shook his head. "I really don't," he said slowly.

"Like hell," I bark, turning around so he doesn't see me when the inevitable happens.

Anthony, of course being the innocent, perceptive kid he is, asked in a scared voice, "Mommy, are you gonna cry again?"

I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut and absolutely refusing to allow myself to cry again. I turned back to look at Anthony, trying for a smile. "No, honey. I'm not," I said. Still, my voice broke, and then I whirled back around and walked off towards the bedroom.

"Ann–"

I hold out a hand. "I'm not," I say sternly, loudly, more so convincing myself than anyone else, and also not wanting to hear him at the moment.

I slammed the door, and even though I tried to be convincing, I sank down against it, and, well, sobbed.

--

Lainey

"Hi, babe," I said casually when Steven walked through the door. I wasn't about to question where he was. Not yet, at least.