Bullet: Devil's Rose MC #5

Chapter 9: Mason Ohara

I have been awake for about five minutes now.

I know I probably shouldn't be eavesdropping on Piper's conversations, but it has to do with me, so I should know why she's talking about me. Now, hearing what Alpha is saying though, I'm not entirely sure that was the best idea for me. 

Is that what instant karma is? Because it fucking feels like it. 

Their conversation was quick but emotionally charged, to say the least. I mean, I fucking figured that one apology wasn't going to solve all my issues, but I didn't think that both of them wouldn't be fucking supportive of my efforts. 

Like, I'm doing my fucking best, and they're still fucking talking about how much of a jerk I am. 

What the fuck is that? Should I just pretend that I didn't hear anything and see if she brings it up? I fucking might. I almost fucking died to apologize to her, and that was my decision, I just thought that would hold a greater weight. I don't even know what to do from here. 

I'm fucking pissed off. What the fuck?

Deciding that I'm going to test whether she tells me or not, I signal to Piper that I'm awake with a groan. Realizing the pain I'm in, I also lay a light hand on my stomach and grunt in pain as I sit up. She loses her cool for a moment, mumbling incoherent words about me pushing myself too hard. I feel sort of bad now. 

Oh, well. Fuck that. She might lie to me, so who gives a fuck about her feelings? Just because I almost died that doesn't mean that I have to change the way I act around her. 

She dotes on me, asking me multiple times if I need Dr. Amin, but I just ignore her for the time being. 

I can't fucking believe she thinks that she can just play it off like she hasn't just had the most fucking disgusting conversation ever, right in front of me.

I stop moving to get her to stop losing her goddamn mind. I guess I don't have to be that cruel. Piper sits back down when she realizes that I've found the most comfortable position for myself. 

She tries to intertwine in fingers in mine, but I pull back, not wanting her to touch me. Her face completely fucking drops, my heart squeezing painfully at the tears brewing in her eyes, but I force myself to push the feelings down. 

She doesn't fucking deserve my empathy.

"How are you feeling?"

"Sore but fine."

"Can I do anything for you?

"No."

"Okay."

There's a beat of silence before she speaks up again.

"Alpha came in here to check on you."

Let's see where this goes.

"He's worried about you, he just can't say it, you know? But he cares about you. A lot of these guys do. I heard that while I was asleep you apologized a lot."

"I did."

"I'm proud of you for doing that. I truly am. I mean, that's a step forward for where you were."

She's proud of me? No one's ever fucking said that to me. At least no one worth mentioning or remembering.

"You are?"

"I am. I didn't think you had it in you, to be honest, and I don't know, I'm happy you do-" she glances away from me for a moment, staring at the marble floors "-But I also want to not hide anything from you. I think it's going to take more than an apology and almost dying to make up for the way you have treated them over the past few months."

She smiles up at me with those sparkling brown eyes, and it's almost too much to bear.

"They are great guys who love you, but that doesn't mean they are going to believe what you say right away. You're going to have to work for their forgiveness," she concludes firmly.

I can't believe I was so pissed at her that I tested her about her honesty. Something is seriously wrong with me. No wonder my mother always felt the need to punish me and shit. I remember how awful it felt in the moment, her beating up on me and saying god awful shit to my face, but maybe she was right. 

I deserved to be punished like that. 

I mean, I'm such a fucking dipshit to everyone around me. At least she kept me in line. I'm hurting everyone around me. I've desperately been trying to push everyone away, and I end up hurting them, so it's not them that's the problem. It's me. I'm the fucking worthless piece of trash. She was so fucking right.

I flinch as Piper lays her other hand on the ones that are already laced together.

"I don't want to hurt you when I say that. I don't. I just don't want you to be disappointed."

"Piper, it has nothing to do with you. It's my fucking fault that no one wants to forgive me."

Her eyebrows scrunch together, her eyes searching for something. I don't know what she's trying to find.

"You truly believe that?"

"Yeah," I sigh aloud.

"Bullet, while it's true you haven't been the best person and that's partly your fault, it can't all be. In my life, I have come to somewhat of a conclusion that we are partly what our experiences make us. A lot of people have told me that you don't trust anyone, that can't be all on you. Someone or something has affected your ability to trust people.

"You push them away because you don't trust them. You hurt them to push them away. You weren't born with the inability to trust, your experiences taught you that. I'm not an expert, but this is more than you being a jerk. I want you to know that. And I want you to know that you can get help if you need it."

She's so fucking beautiful.

I know I should be thinking about more than how gorgeous she is when she cares for me more than any other woman in my entire life, but I can't stop myself. I look at her and see someone willing to put up with me. And not because they have to. 

She could leave at any point, she has no obligation. Sometimes - most of the time - I feel like my MC brothers feel forced to keep me around due to the obligation that they feel they have for me and my happiness in life. That sounds selfish, it is, but it can feel that way. 

However, Piper has no obligation or need to help me. I've told and shown her multiple times I don't care what happens to her, and she has decided she will not treat me the same way. I am lucky. I am so fucking lucky to have her. Shit.

I don't fucking know how many times I'm going to have to repeat it to myself, but I'm such a dipshit. I am a total idiot for hurting her. But how do I move forward? How do I find a way to apologize for everything I've said and done to her? 

How do I save this bridge from being burned? Can I? It doesn't seem like it's too late, but what if it is? What if I missed my chance?

My breathing is slow and steady as we gaze at one another. My mouth parts as I think of something intelligent or at least nice to say to her. But nothing comes out. Oh my fucking god.

"You don't have to say anything. I don't want you to say anything. I want you to think."

I nod my head, following her instructions.

"I think you can be better than this, Bullet. Please be better than this," Piper pleads.

She lays a light kiss on my forehead, her soft black hair brushing the sides of my face. I subtly breathe in her natural scent plus the chemicals of the treatment facility that I lay in. 

Although I wish I wasn't sore out of my fucking mind and I could move to embrace her, I couldn't imagine this moment any differently. Something has changed for me. I'm ready to be better.