Power & Control

34: I Think He Knows

~A

If this were a movie, now would be the time where the director would opt to show a montage of every time Niall and I secretly met to have sex during tour. Some sort of energetic rock song would play as the scenes would switch between us hiding in bathrooms, sneaking around corridors and knocking on each other's hotel room doors in the middle of the night. It would show all the escapades we'd get ourselves into in secret. From something as simple as making out in dark corners where no one could see us, to something so intense as me tying his hands on the bed to restrict him as I pushed a buttplug inside him.

Those erotic and risque scenes would be evenly spaced out with some contrasting soft ones, showing him getting into my bunk every night on the bus, or laying his head on my chest after he had allowed me to push his limits in bed. Shots like this would show us getting closer, building a form of connection based on trust and intimacy.

And that montage would've done a perfect job of summing up the first two weeks of the tour when it came to Niall and I. Even the scenes someone could call romantic were a very good representation of how we had grown to be so comfortable around each other, to the point where it didn't feel like a casual agreement anymore. It should've petrified me, made me want to run as far away from him as possible. But it didn't. I was nervous around him, which I never thought would happen to me. I'd catch myself looking around for him whenever I'd enter a crowded room. I'd get this pressure in my chest and stomach for just a split second whenever I'd find him there, or whenever I'd see him sat in the couch of the tour bus every morning right after I had woken up.

And every night on the bus, when everyone was sound asleep, I'd lay awake and wait to hear the curtain of my bunk be pushed to the side. I'd always pretend to be asleep though, relaxing my body completely to allow Niall to move me over so that he could climb up and lay with me. I'd only steer and pretend I was woken up when he had pulled the curtain closed, giving him a soft smile with my eyelids half closed before I'd lay on his chest, his heartbeat steady and loud in my ear.

We had reached the point where we'd spend almost every night together. It wasn't even about sex half the time, that was the odd part about it. He'd spend every night on the bus in the limited space of my bunk, letting me sleep practically on top of him so that we could both fit. I doubt he was able to get any sleep considering he wouldn't be able to move during the night, but he kept coming back. So I let him in my bunk every single time, and I got used to sleeping onto his chest engulfed by his warmth and his scent. And every morning he'd be gone to avoid people seeing us together, which was a wise decision in retrospect. However, it never failed to give me an icky feeling of abandonment, which I always told myself was dumb and irrational.

But I had the same feeling this morning, when I woke up to him missing. It's not like I wasn't expecting it, but I still had to take a minute to tell myself I shouldn't have any other expectations. The curtain to his bunk was closed when I passed by it to go to the bathroom, and he wasn't there in the living room with the rest when I showed up, being greeted by all of them. Maybe the tiredness of not being able to sleep properly finally caught up with him.

I made myself some tea before joining Louis on the table where he always sat in the mornings, sipping on coffee while he was on his phone. He briefly smiled at me as he glanced up, asking me to give him a second before he put his attention back on his phone. I nodded and waited, mindlessly listening to the few different conversations the rest of the band were having over their breakfast. I caught myself looking towards the bunk area for Niall, huffing to myself once I realised I was doing it. But I did it again a few moments later when I was convinced I heard the sink in the bathroom running, which was impossible considering the distance.