Spain Without The S!

Chapter 12: Hurt Feelings

  Despite being fed so much, Chuuya felt weirdly empty. He's sighed, laying back down. He always felt like what he ate was never enough, even though he was never hungry. He just didn't feel nearly full, but never enough to be hungry.
  It was horrible. So he avoided eating unless absolutely necessary. Food didn't even look all that appetizing.
  He also hated that he was always second guessing the time. His internal clock was already off because he had been asleep for so long.
  Chuuya would occasionally blink and expect to be able to see when he opened his eyes. But he was always met with the same, looming darkness.
  It reminded him of the blue black darkness that had made him feel safe so long ago... But without the safe part. He was in the place with all the people. The terrifying creatures that he wanted nothing to do with.
  He placed the inside of his elbow over his eyes. He wanted this to be over so badly.
  "Afternoon," Mori said as he stepped in.
  Chuuya sighed internally, "hey."
  "You seem a little down. I would have expected you to feel better today." Mori's voice continued to draw nearer.
  "I hurt less..." Chuuya dropped his arm, "but I certainly don't enjoy being blind."
  Mori chuckled, "I would imagine it's annoying."
  Chuuya nodded, deciding wether or not to say anything about it, "though... sometimes I think I can see... but I'm pretty sure it's just my imagination..."
  Mori was quiet for a minute, "what have you seen?"
  Chuuya paused, "I saw... Dazai a few times... or, thought I did...?"
  "His skill is so strange..."
  Chuuya wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean.
  "And it's only Dazai that you saw? Nothing else?" Mori asked.
  Chuuya paused, recalling it, "I think I saw the far wall over there and the IV..." he pointed.
  "Hm..."
  "What is it?" Chuuya asked.
  "First, his ability woke your body... then your mind... and it seems your eyes get more... normal... after he leaves..."
  Chuuya didn't like where this was going.
  "Elise might very well be right..." Mori muttered a bit loudly.
  "MORI!" A shrill voice said accusingly.
  Chuuya heard Mori's coat rustle as he turned around.
  "You aren't supposed to tell him! The princess never gets to know first!" Elise stomped over.
  "I'm right here, you know..." Chuuya said.
  "You go back to sleep," she said, "you aren't supposed to- wait! How did you know I meant you?!"
  Chuuya paused, "Uhm... context clues...? And Dazai already told me what happened before I woke up."
  Elise groaned, "now it's all ruined!"
  "Uh- Elise-Chan, I'm sure it'll-"
  "Ugghhhhhh!" Elise drowned out Mori's pleas.
  "What's all the ruckus in here?..." Kouyo asked.
  Chuuya sighed, shoving the extra pillow over his face. Why was this always utter chaos?
  "Dazai already told Chuuya that he was Prince Charming! So now true loves kiss won't work!"
  "Dazai is not a magical prince," Chuuya stated a bit angrily.
  Elise gasped, "how could you say that about your true love?!"
  "He's not my- UGGGHH!"
  Kouyo giggled, then began laughing, "Elise... it didn't matter if he knows. Love doesn't magically go away the second you realize it's there, does it?"
  "... no..." Elise said sheepishly.
  "You too?!" Chuuya felt singled out. "Boss, you can't possibly-"
  "If Elise-Chan somehow sees it... I can't argue with her logic..." Mori said.
  Chuuya physically felt sick as all common sense seemed to disappear from the people he trusted, "there's no way that- Dazai said he wasn't coming back, either. In fact, he enjoys my suffering. He wouldn't want to... to help."
  "Yes he would." Elise said firmly.
  "And what makes you think he would?"
  She hesitated, "because he doesn't want you to die..."
  "Being blind isn't going to kill me."
  "B-but he's your true love! S-so of course he would want to save you-"
  "And why is he my true love, huh? All he's ever done is create problems for me."
  "B-becuase... because..." Elise's voice got quieter as her resolve wavered.
  Chuuya pinched the bridge of his nose, "look, he's not going to come and "save" me or whatever. I can function just fine without my eyes. As far as I'm concerned, I don't need him."
  "Y-you're just saying that!" Elise's little feet tapped quickly as she ran out, sounding like she was going to cry.
  "Elise, wait!" Mori ran after her.
  Chuuya sighed, feeling worse than before.
  Kouyo's kimono shuffled quietly against the floor as she walked over.
  "I know. I know. I'll apologize to her later..."
  "No," Kouyo said slowly, "you have a point... I don't think Dazai would be willing to help more than he already has... In all honesty," she paused and didn't continue.
  "I just..." Chuuya sighed again, "I hate this..."
  "I know adjusting is hard..." Kouyo said, "but I was hoping to unhook you from all the machines today, so I brought you a set of the most comfortable looking clothes of yours I could find."
  "Thanks..." he paused, "could I ask a favor?..."
  "Of course,"
  "Gloves?..."
  She blew air out of her nose in a way one might when smiling, "Dazai was way ahead of you." She picked up the gloves off the nightstand and pressed them into Chuuya's hand.
  Chuuya looked like he wasn't sure what to say.
  "I know it's hard to get over everything he's done... forgiving people isn't always easy." Kouyo squeezed his hand lovingly, "but I'll always be here to help you through it."
  Chuuya couldn't think of anything to say. All he could do was hope that Kouyo understood how he felt.
  "Though, I do commend your trust in him when you use corruption... it always surprises me when you two work so well together..."
  "I don't know..." Chuuya started pulling his gloves on, "I hate putting my life in his hands... but when I use the full extent of my ability..." he continued in a whisper, "I feel free, Kouyo... like if I just keep going, I'll fulfill my purpose. Each time I get so close to feeling right."
  Kouyo silently listened as she became more concerned with every word from Chuuya's mouth.
  "But right before I can get there... Dazai pulls me back. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it. I hate Dazai for keeping me from what I want, but then I think of how I'd never see any of you guys again..." he held his hand out.
  Kouyo placed her hand in his. Chuuya tightly closed his hand over hers, "so, at the same time, I'm grateful to him for keeping me from leaving... It's dangerous for me to want something that could hurt people..."
  Chuuya paused and had a pained expression, "I really hate to admit it... but I really do need him, Ane-San..."
  Kouyo drew closer and pulled him into her arms tightly.
  "Maybe that's why I hate him for leaving so much..." Chuuya said quietly.
  Kouyo smiled, "I'm glad you finally felt safe enough to tell me... I can't explain how happy this makes me..."
  "I'm not going to take my gloves off again..."
  "I'm glad to hear that, too," Kouyo squeezed him a little tighter. The memory of how terrifying Chuuya had looked only a few days ago was still fresh in her mind. She closed her eyes, "you aren't allowed to leave until I say so."
  Chuuya snorted, "and when's that?"
  "Never." She said, her voice cracking.
  Chuuya chuckled, "I don't think that's an option..."
  "Shut up," her tears overflowed, "I'm making it an option..."
  Chuuya put his arms around Kouyo as well, "I'll see what I can do..."

——

  Chuuya sighed, he had lied. And badly, at that. He wasn't even sure why. He had just said it, maybe hoping it would make Kouyo happy. And because it did, he felt worse.
  Maybe it wasn't a lie... more of a promise he couldn't keep...
  He knew he would have to use corruption again. There would be no way he'd be so readily free of such a burden.
  But he did have the terrible thought that maybe if he couldn't see then he wouldn't have to use corruption because it would be too dangerous... Then again, being more dangerous equals more ability to get rid of whatever he was supposed to...
  His head hurt from all the laying there and doing nothing. He closed his eyes tightly, wishing to just stop thinking for a while.
  Nagging at the back of his mind was a memory, well, not really a memory. It was like a lingering collection of feelings associated with an image.
  He remembered a time when he didn't have a single coherent thought or even a concept of self. Only the blue black darkness surrounding him and keeping him closed off from whatever was outside. Never once did he want to leave, but he had been violently ripped away from it.
  Maybe that was why he was so hot tempered all the time..
  Then he remembered Randou. He realize he had been living without his hat for a few days.
  He sat up, then regretted it because he did it too fast and it hurt.
  "Woah, don't get ahead of yourself..." Mori said as Chuuya heard a loud click.
  Chuuya had completely forgotten that Mori had come in a few minutes ago. He sighed, he felt so scatterbrained. Nothing felt right and he couldn't focus.
  "Well, that should be the last of it," Mori said as he removed the IV from Chuuya's arm.
  It hurt but it wasn't enough for Chuuya to really care about it.
  "What did you suddenly get up for?" Mori asked.
  Chuuya paused, "I... can't remember..."
  The room was silent and Mori stopped whatever he was doing, "what?"
  "I don't know," Chuuya laid back down and closed his eyes.
  "Well... alright, then..." Mori said slowly, "I have some other things to attend to... I'll see you later..."
  Chuuya listened the rhythmic tapping of Mori's shoes as he walked out the door and down the hall.
  A moment later, or maybe it wasn't, Chuuya heard more steps come from the hallway. He turned his head towards the door only to find more darkness awaiting him.
  He heard the door open and close quietly.
  "How are we feeling?" his mentor's voice asked as she walked towards him.
  "Uhm... I dunno..." he sighed.
  "Here,"
  Chuuya felt something over his face. He picked it up as he sat up. He ran his fingers over it, unsure what it was. A moment later it donned on him and he remember what he had tried to get up for. "My hat..."
  Kouyo placed her hand on his back, rubbing him gently, "it's so strange... your hat and gloves were the only things untouched in that room..."
  "Untouched?..." Chuuya asked, as if tasting the words.
  "I mean... everything else was..."
  "Everything else was what?" He asked, worry creeping into his voice. He realized that no one had told him what had happened after he used corruption... "Ane-San... did I-"
  "No," she squeezed his shoulder, "nonono, of course not."
  He wasn't sure he believed her. Something about her voice felt off... Then again, everything still felt wrong...
  He nodded absently, "right..."
  Chuuya slid his fingers along the brim of the hat, recalling what is looked like. He felt the light weight of the chain against his fingers and smiled a little bit. This felt too normal.
  "Oh, Mori said that since you aren't a attached to anything you're free to move around." Kouyo sounded a little excited, "so maybe we could go for a walk and get you changed?"
  Chuuya nodded, "yeah..." he placed the hat on his head, "I'd like that..."