lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

lockdown

My mind is in official lockdown, my thoughts are in a prison back in my mind. I can't feel a thing anymore, just numbness. My hands shake when I write down in my journal and I keep thinking about when Taehyun saw my phone. I cannot believe he saw it. I feel like yeeting myself outside the window- too bad it's barred. I try to eat but it's hard, I just don't have motivation.

"You've been improving, Kamal,"

"That's good, right?" I know its what they want me to say, they want me to be happy and wanting to get better. I sort of wish I could get better and be fully healed..but I'm stuck in a large hole and no one's really helping me. It's been two weeks since I had a PTSD attack with my younger sister. My manager had covered his backside with a stupid story when I told the doctor about when I saw Hiyyih turn into him.

'It was just anxiety and stress, that's all.'

"What would you like to talk about today?" I shrug, this time just wanting to be alone and ponder on my lame thoughts. "Are you excited to see your members today?" Of course I am excited! You forced me to only see Taehyun and then when I had the 'episode', they came in but you WOULDN'T LET ME SEE THEM afterwards. I don't say those words, I keep it to my volcano inside of me and reply with a simple sentence.

"Yeah, I can't wait," I try to say enthusiastically. He sighs and pats my arm to get my attention.

"Kamal.. I know you wanted to see them but you know why you could see them."

"We didn't want to risk another breakdown," I reply what they've drilled into my brain the last two weeks. "It's too early to ruin my mental stability."

If only they knew how bad my stability is right now. I wish they knew I wasn't crazy, I just had a mental health problem, that's all. In fact, I think it's worse than when I tried to jump off the bridge. I can't feel anything, and I think that's a bad thing..?

"Anyways, I would like you to tell me how you feel about seeing your hyungs,"

"I feel happy about it,"

"Go on," He urges but I don't really wanna say anything. I just want to see them and not talk about them. JUST LET ME SEE THEM. I stifle a yawn and twiddle my thumbs.

"I miss them," I look up at the framed photo of me and my hyungs. It was a very old picture but it brought a lot of happy memories of our debut.

"Kai, I think you're ready to see them," I shrug, knowing i can't do anything. He gets to his feet, walks to the door and opens it to reveal my four hyungs. They see me differently, I can tell. The bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. I've lied so much to just see them for once.

"Hi, hyungs," I give them a little wave, wiping my palms on my sweatpants. I stand to my feet awkwardly hoping they would accept me with open arms. Maybe they will hate me like my suspicions and dark side tell me. Maybe they will still love me. I hope for the latter. Beomgyu and Taehyun walk to me first and give me a big hug- not even asking. For a second I stand there, feeling quite lost because I haven't had a real hug in ages. All because of that stupid doctor.

I hug them back and then Yeonjun and Soobin walk over, tears brimming in their eyes.

"Um, can we join?"

"Of course, string bean hyung," I reply awkwardly hoping to get rid of the aching tension. It helps some and we all hug together. A big group hug. It hurts to think how long ago I had a hug like this and not for a photoshoot.

"We're going to monitor you from a camera to make sure everything goes well," The doctor says before leaving. My annoyance flares because he's monitoring everything I do. To make sure I'm behaving well and all that crap. I can't even be sorta alone with my family members.