lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

truth

"So how's he doing?" The doctor asks on the phone.

"He's doing good."

"He's not dancing anytime soon correct?"

"Um, our manager..."

"He shouldn't be dancing now. He needs to be settled with his family first and then get the confidence again to do complicated choreography." I hear my hyungs talking to my therapist/doctor and it makes me want to cringe. I don't want them to be listening to him. They could have their opinions changed of me. They might hate me because of my problems.

"Doctor, I really would like to know what happened during that time he was at the hospital." I lean my ear against the door, hoping Yeonjun wouldn't find out anything. It's embarrassing, just absolutely embarrassing. There was a brief silence before the doctor started to speak again making me nervous.

"Well... what would you like to know?"

I lied enough to get out of there as soon as I could. I had did my best to do everything they wanted me to do. I know that its bad to lie especially about my mental health but I'm fine. Really I am. I just want my hyungs and I just want to make MOA happy. I want everyone to just be happy with me, I am totally fine. I don't need to be restrained or put into a mental hospital. I am fine.

"...does he really have PTSD?" My throat closes, hoping he doesn't say anything bad about me.

"Yes, he does. It's official." I heard a gasp, making my heart clench hoping I didn't make any of my group members tear up or be sad. "He only had a few episodes, such as the one with his sister."

"Did his sister ever come and visit again?"

"No. Kai was insisting on not seeing her again even if she wanted to see him. We also thought it would be a good idea for them not to see each other after the episode."

"W-what about... why was he crying and yelling?" Beomgyu asks, speaking slowly as if he was afraid to even say anything.

"He says he saw his manager instead of Bahiyyih." The doctor replies with a little annoyance in his voice. "But his manager told us that he was just probably stressed out."

"Kai saw his manager? He was allowed to see Sik-nim? Why? That's not fair!" Taehyun says, his anger starting to come through the door. I can feel the anger radiating through it. I shiver a little, knowing that the therapist should be scared and rightfully scared.

"Hey, calm down, Hyun," Yeonjun says softly.

"He didn't get to see us, HIS FAMILY, but he saw his manager?! That's not fair at all! What kind of therapist are you!?"

"Taehyun!" Soobin gasps. I can see him shake his head right now in disappointment but my heart warms that my best friend defended me and not my stupid manager. "I know you're upset but please..."

"No hyung, it isn't fair!" Taehyun says something else but I can't hear him since its so quiet. That's when the door swings open, making me stumble to the floor, landing on my side and elbow. I feel embarrassment spread across my face all the way down to my neck. I don't even look up because I can feel them staring at me and when I do, they are at looking at me with sad eyes. I connect eyes with Taehyun who's own face is red and angry but it softens when he sees my own expression. Worried, conflicted and sorta embarrassed.

"Kai," Yeonjun says my name quietly but I can tell he's sort of upset with me. Of course, I keep doing things wrong don't I? I am stupid.. He takes my hand, helping me off the carpet and Soobin grabs my elbow to help support me. I rub my neck, my face still a little red from embarrassment. "You're not in trouble."

"Uh.."

"We're going to have to go and talk to you later, Mr. Jeong." Soobin tells him, taking the phone from Taehyun who's still clutching it with his knuckles turning white.

"All right. We need to talk later and Kamal's therapist appointment is going to be soon."

"Okay, thank you." Once Soobin hyung hangs up, he turns to me and just gives me a look I can't describe or even figure out. It makes me upset and nervous. I lick my dry lips and stand there awkwardly.

"Sorry Yeonjun hyung, I didn't mean to-" I say to Yeonjun but he lifts his hand up the sign to stop talking. I briefly remember my manager doing that multiple times before he got angry with me. I hold back the fear in my stomach that's slowly crawling up my throat.

"Kai.. I can understand why you would want to eavesdrop when it is about you..." I wring my hands behind my back, my nervousness rising to a high. I feel like everyone's staring right into my soul or something, which is kind of true. "I just don't understand why you didn't tell us about your manager seeing you?" I am supposed to say something, I know that but I freeze up.

"Probably because I knew it would be make you upset.." I reply quietly, hoping they would yell at me. "It's totally fine though. You guys shouldn't worry about it."

"Are you sure?" Yeonjun asks, giving me a look that I know. It's a look where he thinks I'm suspicious.

"Hyung, I'm totally fine. Manager nim was just trying to be nice." Taehyun folds his arms over his chest and shakes his head, standing behind Yeonjun and Soobin.

"Stop lying," He mouths at me making me want to literally throw up. What does he know? Did he actually hear what my manager said to me in our bedroom? I hope... He opens his mouth to speak and I interrupt him knowing he's going to tell our hyung something.

"I think we should just forget it."

"No!" Taehyun exclaims, glaring at me, knowing that I am purposely speaking over him. He turns to a confused Soobin and Yeonjun who look at us expectantly. "Hyung, Sik was actually making him cry!" I bite my lip, knowing that my fear and anxiety was rising further to my throat. My hands are going to start shaking, I know it.

"What are you talking about?" Beomgyu asks, his brow furrowed.

"When was this?" Soobin wants to know, his protective mode on. Great just great. I throw a fake smile at Taehyun who just stares at me with a blank face. He wants me to admit what actually happened. He probably doesn't even know that Sik was being a jerk.

"I- I don't know what Taehyun is talking about," I reply shakily, "It's nothing."

"Oh my gosh! Why are you lying? I know I saw you about to cry when I went into the room. You should stop lying and tell us the truth." Taehyun burst out, his annoyance flaring. I huff and shake my head, my turn to be annoyed.

"I said, it's okay. There's nothing to be worried about." I reply, trying to keep my cool. "Sik would never hurt me."

That's when Beomgyu gasps, tears shining in his eyes. My own face contorts into confusion as I look around at each of my hyungs. Soobin gulps nervously, putting a hand on Yeonjun's upper arm. What is wrong with them?

"We didn't say anything about Sik hurting you..." Soobin says slowly. I then realize I had blown everything. I swallow back a lump in my throat.

"What? I don't understand what you're saying," I act dumb and I know Taehyun can see right through it. He is my best friend.

"Kai.. just tell us what's going on."

"Sorry, I should just go now..." I turn around quickly and am about to leave the doorway when Beomgyu grabs my arm. I pull away instinctively and push him away roughly. He stumbles backwards into Soobin who catches him so he doesn't fall. "Sorry Beom," I want to walk away but I can't. I just pushed my friend, my group member. He doesn't look into my eyes, he bites his lip, tears still brimming to the fullest. My heart aches.

"I'm sorry, Beomgyu... I didn't mean to." He nods and holds Soobin's hand. My hyungs and best friend aren't saying anything. They just pat Gyu's arm and give me a sad look.

"We need to talk, Hyuka," Soobin whispers in my ear. I hope he doesn't yell at me. I hope he doesn't hate me for what I've done. For all my secrets and everything I've hidden.