lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

i love you

dear journal,

I have been re-reading my old diary entries in my phone that are secretly hidden because my hyungs deleted my sad songs that i used to listen to, or anything that could trigger me. I find that extremely annoying, its my property and my stuff. i am twenty years old by the way. I know they want to take care of me and help me but it's my stuff. my therapy journal is a physical journal where I get to lie as much as i want to, while here i get to be honestly myself.

I like listening to sad songs.. it makes me happy y'know? or sometimes it does trigger me lmoa and yes i did steal my moa's 'funny' whats-it-called. i swear, if they take something down from my side of the bedroom, im going to-

oh my lord, i just saw my wall- my kang daniel 'paranoia' poster is missing. did they take it down?!?!? where's my books?? especially the sad ones that i hid in my clothing drawers. or what about my favorite sweatshirt that said 'living and breathing'?? i bet if i had loser lover stickers in my notebooks, they'd rip that out too. I am SO SICK of them taking things away from me.

oh great my hyung is coming in with a bunch of laundry so i better go before he steals my phone and deletes my journal app. bye. aNdddd my stuffies are so cute rn, i ahven't seen them in ages, at least my hyungs didn't steal them.

also, i hate me.
~kai

--

I walk inside Kai's room and he looks up, his eyes widening. He types something quickly and turns off his phone, grabbing a stuffie from his bed. I hold the laundry basket awkwardly for a second before he gets to his feet and takes it from me.

"So whatcha doing on your phone?"

"Nothing," He replies quickly.

"You were typing.." I point out.

"Oh um, just goofing around on Instagram."

"I hope you weren't reading any hate-" He glares at me but then a mask goes over his face and he's normal again. I would've barely noticed it if I hadn't known social cues.

"Of course I wasn't, hyung," He says, over pronouncing his words as if he was extremely annoyed with me. "I would never do that."

"Hyuka, what's wrong? You're kind of snappy." I ask, concerned. I pat the bed so he would sit down next to me.

"You took down my stuff."

"Oh, you mean your poster? Well, it got torn. Toto kind of destroyed it..." He stares at me as if he's trying to figure out if I'm believable. He sighs and rolls his eyes a little, but not at me. I know he's going through stuff and I can say the same, so I just let the simple gesture slide. I would scold him gently but not right now. He's my best friend and I would do anything for him. Especially to hear him be cute again and say 'peng peng peng' or say anything really that was adorable.

"Okay," He says after a few dead-silent moments.

"What do you want to talk bout?"

"How's your singing coming along?" He asks me, suddenly and creepily happier than before. It was like he had done a full circle and was extremely excited and cheery. I open my mouth to mention it but something in my gut tells me not to. It could hurt his feelings. I know when he's upset or lying but apparently he can't figure that out.

"Great actually.. Are you excited for next week?" I smile a little, hoping he's kind of excited for dance and music. When depression gets the best of you, you usually don't want to do anything fun anymore.

"Actually my manager told me that I get to start tomorrow," I raise my eyebrows, my fingers curl into fists. His hand touches mine and I can feel how thing he's gotten. I swallow a little and hold back my anger.

"Taehyun... I'm fine, really. I can handle it."

"I don't know, Kai, it's too early.." I say scratching my head.

"Please, I'm an adult. I can handle it."

"Jagi, you're also our maknae. We want to help you." He bites his lip, looking away before nodding and then leaning his head against my shoulder. I tear up since we haven't cuddled in forever. "Remember, I'm your best friend, your right man. I will always be here for you."

"I love you hyung," I hear him whisper softly.

"I love you too, Kamal,"