lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

journal

dear journal,

i find it hard to talk to my hyungs even after they came to rescue me. with evidence of sik beating up other people and stuff, he went to jail for twenty years...and for assault. it's hard to talk to anyone lately, even bahiyyih. i don't want to think that i'm in pain, or was assaulted by him (not that i told anyone lmbo besides my manager and the police). i just don't want to talk to anyone but i feel like emotions are just piling up inside of me. i just need to let go of all these feelings and memories.

i sort of wish sik had killed me when he was choking me. i can't believe sik pushed me into a bookcase, like that would really kill me? um, no, it just put glass in my skin.

i have nightmares and taehyun helps me through them. but do i talk to him or the others about my self-harm, suicide attempt, or my assault? no, i don't- because i dont want to think that way. that i was hurting myself, that i got hurt by my manager. i want to just be happy and forget everything. except they can't- it's tense every time managers get mentioned or even mental health.

i am happy that i'm home again since being in the hospital for a few days. at least i don't have to be near that therapist/doctor. i feel alone though even if i'm at the dorms.

honestly i would've thought things would get better but now, its like my head is pounding every time i go out of the bedroom- and see my hyungs. its like i'm a fragile piece of glass and i kinda am. its like i'm a timed bomb ready to expload at any moment. they don't know what could trigger me, they just don't know. and i don't want to find out.

i did it today. i hurt myself and it was nice. i know its messed up but i couldn't help it. i got stressed when beomgyu and yeonjun were yelling at each other playfully. i felt scared and upset even if it was playfulness. soobin will give me small, short hugs and sometimes i return them but do i honestly feel like i'm a member of txt anymore? no, i don't.

i still want to yeet myself out the window. so would you help me out here? it would be nice if i could just leave everything behind and be happy for once in my life..

at least taehyun understands me and actually cares.

with misery,
kai

ps. i have to film a to do episode this week and im so excited not