Cicatrice

Chapter XXIV

QUEEN ESTELLE BELSHAW

This could either go one of two ways: I'd have Malcolm's child and live to resent that I'd birthed his child, or I would have Eddie's child and be cast as a liar and cheater. Both ways seemed equally as horrible, so I found myself trapped. How could I have let this happen to me, at such a young age, knowing absolutely nothing?

Perhaps I had nothing else left to lose. 

Vivianne had told me that my baby appeared to be healthy. I wasn't sure if I were glad or disappointed. How could someone as young as seventeen know how to raise a child? 

Something that had crossed my mind was my father. I'd be having a child and both of my parents had not been able to live a day as grandparents. The thought made me miserable. Although father had been awful, I wouldn't have thought that I would have a child without him here in a million years.

I felt that Marguerite was all I had. She had to be the only person in my life who was persistent.

The men who had explored the insides of my body had planted a seed and I had to grow the flower. But did I want to grow it? Suppose I didn't want to grow it and care for it? Would I even have a choice? 

I stare out at the lake in front of me. With the ice beginning to slowly melt over the top, I knew the roses and daffodils will spring once again, soon enough. Tears cascade down my cheeks as I try to take in that soon, I will bare a child. 

It was a double edged sword, a flower with thorns. I had always desired a child of my own, watching them grow up into better people than I could have ever been. But everything had seemed too complicated. I was a cheat. I was a fraud. This baby would be an epitome of infidelity and potentially, clandestine affairs. I didn't know if I could let that child live without resenting myself.

Sobs escape from my lips as my stomach churns, feeling as if I would be sick once more as my palm covers my mouth, feeling myself heave with repulsion. The fact that an exact representation of Malcolm or Eddie and I's love would come to life scared the daylights out of me again.

What catches me off guard is when I look up from my hands, seeing Eddie sitting next to me in my peripheral vision. Gasping, I quickly wipe away my tears, wondering how long he had been sitting right next to me.

"When did you get here?" I sneer, although I still held the littlest bit of care in my voice. I cared with all my heart, and I was scared if that would show, and Eddie wouldn't reciprocate. I think that would break my heart most of all. 

"What is it that you're not telling me, Este?" he questions in a soothing tone, however, I don't feel calm at all. I feel panicked, flushed. If I didn't think the sky was falling from above before, I definitely did now. 

"How can I tell you anything when you act as if I'm not there?" I fail to hide my tears as I let out a whimper, burying my face in the palms of my hands. In the corner of my eye, I see a glint of guilt in his face, but to my surprise, that gave me a sense of comfort. 

Deep down, he still cared.

He stays deadly quiet. Soon enough I lose hope that he'll ever say anything. Wind gusting through the trees and a flock of birds flying in the distance was the only sound to fill my ears. In my head, I was begging for him to say something, anything. But instead, I do. 

"Eddie, I'm pregnant," I let out an exasperated shivering sigh, tears beginning to well up in my broken eyes once again, as they remain fixed in front of me. I couldn't bring myself to face him, I would not have an inkling how he'd react. 

Shuddering, I bring myself to gaze at Eddie, his eyes filled with regret and tears. Had I made him upset? Had he cared?

"And I don't know who's it is," I add, burying my face in my hands and bawling, this time, not holding back. It's like I could feel my heart crack in my chest, becoming crippled and falling down to my stomach; lifeless. 

I hold myself vulnerable as I hunch over my stomach, but what surprised me is when I felt a pair of arms cradle my frail frame. Loud sobs escape my lips as I take in Eddie's presence, trying to breathe him in; radiating his warmth. 

"Shhh, it's okay, I've got you," he whispers into my ear, fondling with my waves. "It's going to be okay, I will be here every step of the way," he mutters softly, holding my chin up with his thumb, wiping the tears and snot from my eyes. 

I feel alright when I look into his eyes. Safe. Even if things weren't going to work out, at least I had him. His gaze had felt like home for a while now. I never got the chance to explain what I had been doing with Malcolm that one heinous night, but I knew he was willing to forget. 

I would be having a child.