Know Your Worth

30

Eight more minutes till I refreshed the portal and got my results. My heart was palpitating and my palms were clammy. I started bouncing my leg up and down so quickly, my right leg looked blurry to me. 

A mental breakdown was on its way, but I kept somewhat okay because Kayla was also panicking with me, walking back and forth from her bed to her laptop table. 

We both tried to console each other but to no avail. We ended up getting upset but tried to keep it to ourselves, with the glaring issue that we happened to be in the same room. 

One more minute. I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. 

It was 12.04 pm, and I trudged my way back to my laptop table, refreshed the portal, and clicked on my results. 

I immediately shut my eyes and stared out the window. Until I forced myself to look at my laptop screen. I noticed that it needed a good wiping. 

With bated breath, I scanned the page.

I got a B+ for business and an A- for economics. 

No. Way. 

An A?

I stared at the letters because there wasn't much to stare at. It just said the subjects I took and the corresponding grade. 

I felt as if all the panic left my body and my limbs felt like jelly. I could finally breathe properly, and I smiled so widely like a maniac. My hand was on my chest and I felt like I was on top of the world. 

I turned to Kayla and saw her normally tan face very pale. She had tears streaming down her face and it was not tears of joy. 

Oh shit. 

I was relieved that I didn't squeal or shout. The last thing I needed to do was to make her feel worse. 

Unsure of whether to comfort her or exit the room to give her some privacy, I turned my back to her and decided to just keep my mouth shut and watch some funny TikTok dog videos with my earphones plugged in. 

She would approach me when she was ready but I had the nagging feeling that I should not be around, so I took a picture of my results on my phone, sent it to my mom, shut down my laptop and take a small packet of tissues from my drawer. 

I silently held it out to Kayla with a pleading look, and she gratefully accepted it. I gave her a reassuring smile and went outside. 

I called my mom while walking down the corridor and down the stairs, past the student lounge and kitchen and benches all the way outside, and breathlessly told her that I had done a lot better than expected. 

I did wish that I also got an A- for business though but my relief that I could keep my scholarship and not have to worry too much about the upcoming graded assignments overrode any small feeling of disappointment that I could have done better.

Mom was over the moon. She shrieked in pure, unadulterated joy when she saw my grades and started sobbing, and through her tears told me how she had always known that I would not just survive, but thrive in university, how she had never doubted me for a second and how happy she was that my hard work paid off. 

Hearing her cry made me cry as well, and we both were happy messes. 

I wiped my tears on my sleeve, went to the restrooms nearby, blew my nose into the restroom tissues, and washed my face and hands. 

Looking at myself in the mirror, and seeing myself so happy was jarring after all the stress, sleep deprivation, and worry that had consumed me for the majority of my time at Blackwell. 

Now only could I say that all the negative feelings were worth it, and only because of my grades being decent. If touchwood, my grades had been bad, I sincerely did not know how I would have handled it. 

My grades were proof that I had what it takes to be a student here, and that I was supposed to be here. It gave me the confidence boost that I so desperately needed, like a sign from above that I wasn't wasting time and money studying at this university. 

I also needed to give myself a constant reminder to not get complacent. Now that my first exams had been finished, the challenge would be maintaining my grades above a B+. It was only going to get harder from here. 

Sam had texted me in all caps, stating that she got all B pluses for her subjects, and I was so happy for her. I was also thrilled that I could share my good news with her without having to feel guilty. 

HELL YEAH WE NEED TO CELEBRATE. JUST THE TWO OF US. I WANNA BUY SKINCARE AND MAKEUP AND NO YOU HAVE TO SPLURGE AS WELL WE DESERVE THIS OKAY?! she texted. 

I sent her a laughing emoji and a thumbs-up one. I did need to replenish my skincare products, and my makeup was probably going to expire anyway. 

Mom had wired five hundred dollars to my bank recently as well, and I wanted to spend a little. 

My allowance from the university, plus the scholarship money and financial aid would cover it. 

I went back to my dorm and cautiously opened the door, to see Kayla sleeping face down into her pillow. 

Well. Sleep was cathartic after a fresh bout of tears. 

Careful to not disturb her, I changed into new attire and liked my outfit. Even though it was basic. It was a plain black top, dark blue skinny jeans, and black sneakers. 

I grabbed my crossbody bag and met her at the cafeteria and grabbed a hot pocket. I was in such good spirits, I was perfectly okay if I gained a few pounds. I could always intermittently fast the next day. 

Ignoring the nagging feeling at the back of my mind that snarled on the weight gain that would ensue, I swallowed the hot pocket with as little guilt as possible. I even resisted googling its calories, which was a huge win for me. 

We went to Target and Walmart right after and bought a ton of products that we were both pretty hyped to try on. 

Sam went for dinner with her other friends and bid me goodbye when we went back to campus. I chose to wander around a little bit, clutching my tote bag filled with makeup and skincare. 

I did skip dinner, however. I felt quite full and didn't need to force food down my stomach. Even if I did get hungry later on, I could always drink some water. Hydration was important anyway. 

Kayla was not inside when I went back to my dorm. I sent her a quick text if she was okay, and she didn't respond. She blue-ticked me on Whatsapp, and that worried me a little bit. 

It was getting pretty late, and I told her to call me if she needed anything, just in case. 

I went to bed with a light heart.

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