Know Your Worth

42

It's early in the morning, and I still can't believe that Theo and I kissed. 

No, we did more than a kiss, we literally made out. Holy moly. 

I know I shouldn't let my self-worth be defined by a guy, or have him change the way I feel about myself, but the fact that he wanted to make out with me is kind of boosting my self-esteem. I don't know what he sees in plain old me, but I don't want whatever nascent thing we have to finish anytime soon. 

I've been trying to not think about how he could easily ignore me. He doesn't act like the douchebags in high school, but there are no telling one's true colours. You never truly know anyone until you do something they don't like and they react really badly to it, or until they got what they wanted from you and you no longer serve your purpose to them.

I want to desperately believe that Theo would never do anything like that, but the more I overthink it, I realised that I didn't really know him that well to trust that he won't break my heart. 

Was I just projecting my desires onto him? Was I imagining things that just weren't there all those times we studied together or talked about our lives and interests? 

Now my brain has gone into overdrive, and it has switched sides so quickly. The defense mechanism is strong, where the urge to brush the kiss away as a fluke seems like the best option to take, just so that I don't end up like a lovesick, desperate girl who got ahead of herself and decided that she had more of a relationship with a guy than she actually did.

I have no idea what I just thought, that last sentence was long and rambly as fuck and it doesn't even make sense in my head. 

There. I have officially ruined a good thing with my overthinking. 

The butterflies and excitement are now replaced with nausea and mortification, the more I think about it. Fuck. 

Come to think of it, an overwhelming feeling of tingling shyness overtook me every time I played back our makeout session on repeat when I was in bed. I have no idea how to act around him now. 

It feels lame and disingenuous to play it cool with him out of the blue, after basically being all over him last night.

I'm way out of my element in this. This might be easier if I wasn't so freaking inexperienced. If I had been a serial kisser, with a good amount of boyfriends or even hookups, I might be chill and confident and a little more flirty with him. 

The thing is, I'm not at all. 

Oh no. Was I a shit kisser? Did he think that I was slobbering all over him? The humiliation comes back strong. 

Did he take pity on me and decided to keep on kissing me, and then after walking me back up to the dorm, ran to his room to rinse his mouth? 

Did he hug me back as tightly as I did last night, or did I imagine it to suit my egotistic narrative that a hot guy was into me? 

Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmyfreaking-

"Good morning!" Kayla calls out, coming out from our shared bathroom. 

I mumbled back a reply, dejected. 

"I'm gonna get some sandwiches from the deli, want some?" she asked cheerfully, and I nodded. 

I needed to tell Sam about this new development, and hopefully, she would give me some much-needed perspective on the situation. She has been with tons of guys and is practically a love guru. 

However, I was still a little hesitant to tell her because this moment with Theo is mine and mine alone, you know? 

Sharing it with someone else makes me feel protective and a little bit territorial over it. 

I came to a consensus with my own brain: I would tell her tomorrow instead. 

Honestly, that sounded dumb. As if tomorrow and today made such a huge difference. I was keeping the kiss private for less than three days before spilling it to Sam, but I figured I needed the new outlook. 

It wouldn't hurt for her to ask Damien to ask Theo what he thought about me.

It was a little conniving, but I liked to think of it as being strategic. I needed to sus out what he really thinks about me and if whatever...thing we have going on is worth continuing. 

I hoped that he didn't have a temper or any huge red flags like what Simon did. I don't need a controlling emotional boy who blew up over small things, making me feel as if I was constantly walking on eggshells. 

But damn, that boy really knew how to kiss me. 

It made me wonder if he was good at...well, um, other things. He definitely wasn't a virgin, from what I could tell, and it made me a little intimidated. I was still one, and there were times I wished I wasn't just so that I could be in the club of people who knew what physical intimacy was like. To have someone willingly want you in that way. 

I remembered being so scared on the rare times Simon took it too far, and I had always stopped, and recalling his disgruntled looks or eye-rolling every time I pleaded with him that I wasn't ready made me feel small. The first time it happened, Simon had been really nice and understanding and he said that he was happy that he would get to be my first. 

I had scrunched my nose at that, and he laughed it off, but now I wondered if it was forced. Needless to say, he wasn't going to be my first, and never would be. 

For some reason, I wanted Theo-

No. That sounds wrong. I sound mean and vain and judge-y. 

It was hard admitting in the privacy of my own head, that I wouldn't mind if, and it is a very big, fat if, ifTheowasmyfirstand oh my god I sound desperate that's so gross. 

I cringed at saying the s-e-x word because it was so terrifying if I thought about it in isolation.

But when I think of it and Theo, my face is feeling very, very hot. 

My fantasies are unholy on so many levels and I feel like a creep. 

My phone vibrates, and when I check it, excitement courses through me, immediately replacing all of my confusing thoughts. 

It was an email confirming my attendance at the internship that I had busted my ass over to get in, and when I clicked on it, seeing the coursework and other relevant details made me giddy. 

I texted Sam the good news, and when Kayla came back with the sandwiches, I forgot about my resolution to cut back on my calories and enjoyed the eating. 

Things were finally going great!

a/n: so it's 24/2/2023, and as promised, an update! hope you guys like it. I feel quite uninspired by this chapter, ngl, but I want to at least finish it so that this rough draft can be edited in the future. I definitely plan on rewriting this book, but for now, I'm also a little proud because this story has come a long way since July 2022. Thanks for reading!