Know Your Worth

37

I'm nervous. 

There is nothing I can do about it now. 

That thought is oddly depressing, comforting, liberating, and hopeless at the same time. 

The exam had just finished. I turned in my scripts for the final exam of my major and prayed that I did okay-ish. The essays were manageable. They weren't ridiculously difficult, but they weren't easy peasy lemon squeezy either. 

It was a fair paper, and I had a fair chance of doing well but then again, if the cohort did well, the grade adjustments will occur and I might be given a subpar mark. 

Also, my last black pen had run out of ink halfway through the paper, and I ended up switching to my dark blue pen. It offended my inky aesthetics, but I had no choice but powered through the last case-study question. 

Theo had asked me about the paper after it was finished, and I told him that I didn't want to talk about it at all. It was done. 

He had to go back to study some more since he had a double degree, and I wished him all the best, giving him a brief hug. I wished it lasted longer, but that would be lame and creepy of me. 

I was a free woman, but there was nothing celebratory about finishing economics when it made me want to tear out all my hair. I didn't get any time to check my answers, because I was writing till the last second, and I didn't manage to finish my conclusion for the last question. I hoped that the body paragraphs were enough to snag some marks, but it was all wishful thinking at this point. 

I really did believe that my streak of good grades had come to an untimely end after this paper. It made me tear up a little bit, and I needed something unhealthy to feel better. 

I ordered the signature hot chocolate from Starbucks with extra whipped cream and a slice of oreo cheesecake and sulked in a quiet, cozy corner. The store was relatively empty at this time, but I knew it'd be packed like sardines once the Computer Science students finished their exams a few minutes later and flocked to Starbucks for celebration or emotional support. 

There was no way I was going to sob in a public place. My dignity was on the line. 

I felt weird sitting alone, so as to not feel sad and awkward, I started playing with my phone, hoping to not look like a total loser with no friends and shitty grades. Okay, no one was going to know if I did well or not, but it felt like the universe could see my flop era in its glory. 

I finished my oreo cheesecake quickly and drank the chocolate, and still had the distinct feeling of being out of place. It was stupid because Starbucks has been my safe haven, but the self-consciousness of being alone in public was bothering me a lot.

Sam was still having her exams, so she couldn't be contacted. Janine and Layla had gone shopping since their exams had finished two days earlier, and were pretty much uncontactable. They were doing their bestie things, just like how Sam and I did our bestie things. 

Kay was not doing any better when I barely spoke to her yesterday. She was frustrated with her programme, because there was something wrong with her lines of code, and started slamming her fingers against her keyboard, and it startled me so much that I burst into tears at my own frustration with cramming the last of my economics notes. 

We both lost it and started crying, which was cathartic and terrifying at the same time. No joke, it kind of brought us closer. Nothing like a shared moment of tears and panic to bring us together. 

Also, post-sobbing clarity was a very real thing that I experienced a lot ever since coming to study here.

Now, I want to sleep for the whole week and never resurface to society ever again. I was worn out, my stomach a little bloated and full, but I was still hyper from the sugar that had freshly entered my bloodstream.

It made me feel like shit, where I was tired from life, but not tired right now. I wasn't sleepy at all and I wanted more food, which was not a good sign. 

Salads seemed gross and unappealing to me, so water seemed like the next best thing so I bought bottled water. 

My bank balance will come and haunt me later but at that point, my unhappiness with my exam performance overpowered every rational thought and made me indulge a little more than I should have. 

I went to Walmart and bought two more lip balms that I didn't need and another tube of Loreal mascara, that I also didn't need. 

I had spent money on Starbucks, what's a little more spending gonna do at this point? I was gonna regret it anyway, but whatever. 

Going back to the dorm, there was this sense of shame that plagued me when I held my purchases in the plastic bag, but I shoved it to the back of my mind and had a long shower. 

It was so long that I got dizzy, and had to steady myself against the wall to not collapse. My vision blurred and there was the sensation of hot and cold on my skin, making me uncomfortable. 

I staggered to the closet, put on some clothes, lay on the bed, and hugged my pillow. 

My phone pinged. 

It was a text from Sam, Holy shit I think I messed up but whatever at this point, Im glad hell is over lmaoooo

It would be nice to be as easygoing as Sam when it came to my grades. I tried not to think of what was on the line if I did not deliver stellar grades. 

I didn't want to disturb Theo, even though I wanted nothing more than to talk to him about my fears. He would be done with his final paper tomorrow afternoon, and we planned to hang out at this really pretty garden-park area that overlooked a nicely constructed reservoir. 

A little bit of guilt creeps in that I prefer to confide in Theo more than Sam when it came to certain things, but Theo is a better listener than Sam. With her, I occasionally get the sense that she's just waiting for her turn to interject and talk. 

It hurts my feelings a little, but I don't want to lose her as my friend, so I keep quiet about it. 

I feel as though I'm drifting apart from everyone, and I am starting to like it, despite my previous efforts to fit in and be friends with Sam and Janine and Layla and Damien and everyone else. 

At this rate, I wasn't even sure if I would be in the mental headspace to participate in the internship, even though I worked my butt off for it. 

It all felt so pointless to me because, at that time, I was so motivated to checklist so many things, but now, I just want to give up.

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a/n: I'm getting a lot of writer's block, but I'm not giving up on this story, so don't worry.