mine | hwang hyunjin

Ch. 10 - crybaby

Frozen in the middle of the sidewalk, you re-read the headline pasted across your screen.

"[BREAKING] Stray Kids' Hyunjin rumored to be dating Aespa's Karina"

Your mind goes blank as you stare at the words, taking several moments for you to fully process what they meant. When it finally hits you, your whole body feels...numb. You're surprised how little you feel. Maybe all your mental barriers worked, and faking it until you make it actually paid off. You did it, you successfully prevented yourself from falling for Hyunjin—but why did your victory feel so empty?

Everything played out they way you wanted it to, but achieving your goal was somehow anticlimactic. You thought you'd be more proud of yourself, happy that you mastered your control over your emotions. What you didn't expect though, was for 'mastering' your emotions to feel like not having any emotions at all. You're somewhat disappointed with this realization, unsatisfied with the outcome. Still, it was better than feeling like a fool and getting your heart broken again.

You continue towards your company building, entering the dance studio for your rehearsal. As you walked into the room, you notice your group mates hesitantly greet you with concerned faces, clearly they had heard the news and didn't know what to expect from your reaction today. You shrug off the awkward tension and proceed to run through rehearsals like normal, your members gradually shedding their tentative behavior after seeing you in good spirits. After your rehearsal finished, Lisa asked if you wanted to grab lunch with her, to which you agreed.

"So how are you? I didn't hear from you last night." She asked as you both sat at the restaurant table awaiting your food.

"Sorry, I fell asleep before checking my phone. I'm good though, don't worry about it."

"Did you see the article about Hyunjin?" Lisa was never one to shy around any topic.

You straighten up in your chair. "Yeah, I did actually. What about it?"

She looks at you with one eyebrow arched. "Damn, you weren't kidding when you said you didn't care if he was seeing other girls."

"Yup, it doesn't bother me." You start to fidget in your seat.

"Even if the girl is Karina?"

Your stomach slightly turns at the mention of her name.

"The same girl who you caught with Jaehyun?"

"I know who Karina is." You snap. At this point, you feel your blood start to boil. You've had enough of this conversation. You get it, Hyunjin is dating another girl. Another girl who happens to be the same girl who was sleeping with the guy you fell for in the past. God, why did it have to be her of all people? I mean, she is talented, kind, and not to mention, drop dead gorgeous. Maybe that's why all the guys go for her, because she's the ideal girl. She has everything you lack, she is the type of girl that guys want to date, make their girlfriend, fall in love with—something you'll never be.

Lisa opens her mouth to reply, but stops halfway and just sighs instead. "Right, I know you know who she is. I'm just, surprised you're handling this so well." Lisa cracks a smile at you. "I'm proud of you! You've always been so strong, leading our team since we were trainees and dealing with your personal issues at the same time. I've always looked up to you for that."

As you process her words, the air starts to leave your lungs. Your chest feels tight and you have an uncomfortable pit in your stomach. Lisa was giving you kind words but you hated it. Every compliment she voiced was like a punch in the gut. Your body was physically rejecting her words because they weren't true.

It was a lie. You weren't handling this well at all. Just because you hadn't expressed your emotions didn't mean they weren't there. They were there, you just tricked yourself into thinking that they weren't. You bottled them so deeply inside you that you fooled yourself into believing that they didn't exist. Some say that ignorance is bliss, and unfortunately for you, you couldn't feign ignorance any longer. Everything Lisa was saying were lies. You aren't strong. You're weak. So weak that you couldn't even confront your true feelings. So weak that you once again fell for a man who didn't want you. So weak that you are crumbling at the thought of him with another woman.