mine | hwang hyunjin

Ch. 12 - promise

Sharply turning the corner and exiting Hyunjin's dorm building, you briskly walk back home. The cold winter air brushes past your cheeks, turning the warm moisture around your eyes into icy droplets prickling against your skin. It reminded you of when you had stormed out of Jaehyun's apartment, but this time was so much worse. Rather than having a hole punched through your heart, you felt like it had been pulled out of your chest entirely.

It was a deep sadness that you felt in your bones, one that left you locked up in your bedroom for days alone, only leaving to use the bathroom or to get food once your body was at its breaking point. Your members were concerned, but they knew better than to question you or to push you too hard. You would open up to them when you were ready, and you appreciated the space they gave you as you mourned your broken heart. After that first night you left him, you cried until you were too weak to cry anymore. But in the nights that followed, the tears behind your eyes were replaced by an overwhelming emptiness that engulfed you in misery.

You hated yourself. You hated that you hated yourself. You hated that it was always you who ruined things, and that you couldn't blame anyone else for your sufferings. You hated that your hurt and insecurities ended up hurting those around you. You hated that you couldn't change. You hated that you might have lost the most important person in your life, one who made you better, made you whole, one who loved you even when you couldn't love yourself.

You thought you might never feel complete again, a vital component of your being forever locked up with the memories of him. You made peace with this fact, and continued your days in meaningless activity, doing the bare minimum of what was expected of a functional human being. None of it brought you any joy though, nothing ever excited you anymore but you figured that was part of growing up. You found yourself wondering what the point of it all was, if there even was a point.

But you had a responsibility to lead your group, and as you went through the motions, forcing yourself to get up each day and be productive, your perspective started to shift. You found yourself cracking a smile whenever your members would joke around during practices, making fun of each other and busting out goofy dance moves. You appreciated their carefree spirit, unchained to any expectations, duties or person.

When was it that you lost sight of your own desires and started living for the contentment of others? You can't remember how long you've dealt with these feelings of worthlessness and self doubt, and you suspect that becoming an idol had only amplified the discouraging voices in your head. All you know is that you now had a long journey ahead to reverse your way of thinking.

Day by day, you try to overwrite your pessimistic attitude with positivity. You learn to laugh at yourself rather than wallowing in pity. You start doing things that you like, regardless of others' opinions. You pick up hobbies in your spare time, developing new skills such as cooking and embroidery, finding pride in your finished works. You cut your hair short, something you've always wanted to do but were too scared to try, and you even frequent the Han river for a nighttime bike ride every now and then. You spend more time with your friends, the ones who have been there for you through thick and thin. You also spend more time with yourself, becoming comfortable in your loneliness, and enjoying your independence.

Gradually, you learn how to cherish yourself. You realize that you had neglected your happiness for far too long, that prioritizing your needs isn't selfish, and that it was okay to love yourself. Your quest for self love was the longest and most challenging one yet, but little by little you understand better how to be gentle with yourself, how to be patient with your progress, and how to feel proud of how far you've come. Finally, you find success in a relationship, your relationship with yourself—the most important one of all.

Before long, your group's schedule picks up again and you're busier than ever. You're glad you're at a healthier and happier point in your mental state, because you don't have time to dwell on any more causes for emotional distress any longer. Your group was set to embark on your first world tour, and you were beyond thrilled. Traveling the world with your best friends, exploring new locations and doing what you loved was like a dream to you. You felt so lucky to be able to have this experience and you were ready to embrace all that it had to offer you with open arms.