The Letters He Never Sent || Minsung

40

TW: this chapter will contain a topic of pills that may be sensitive or triggering to some, so please don't read if it might affect you.
Stay safe and remember there is always someone there to help.

-

I have never written a letter before in my entire life. I haven't even thought about writing one, because who would I even send it too.

But now I have somebody to send one too, and I'm going to try my best.

Due to all the letters I have been receiving, I think I have enough of an idea on how i should write one. I am just going to copy exactly what he did, the way he wrote them.

I have to start with my name, and say that's it's to him. I pause for a second. Wait, but should I say its to the sender, or Jisung? I look to my cat as I think, then just decide to write a part for each.

Dear, the sender.

Hi.

This is awkward.

This is awkward.

I don't really know what to say to you, considering I have no clue who you are or what you are like. But I assume— and hope— you can understand that I want to write something to Jisung now.

You can read it,
You can burn it,
You can leave it at his grave,

I don't care what you do with it, just let me write to him— one last time. Thank you for sending me the letters, but it's my turn now.

I put down my pen and read over everything again.

Do I sound to mean?

"Eh whatever it's my first time." I mumble to myself.

Now
Dear Jisung,

Hey.

I miss you.

I pause.

Why did I write that?

Do I really miss him?

I sigh. I do. More than anything else in the world. I know that if he were to ever suddenly come back alive, I would take him back in a heart beat. I guess it just took me the letters to realize that.

It's hard to even say that, do I really miss you?

I do. It's taken me years to accept the fact that I actually do miss you.

When you died, the only way to fix myself was to blame you. I blamed you for leaving me, which wasn't the best approach— but hey it got me this far.

Reading these letters took me back to a time I didn't know I want to go back to. I felt so many different things while reading, and I saw a different perspective of us.

I find it silly saying us, since 'us' isn't a thing anymore. That's what's hardest to accept. There isn't as us anymore, now it's just an i. Your death was so hard for me to accept— to the point that i still don't.

I do sometimes find myself thinking back to our days. The ones we would plan out for weeks, and mark on our calendars with hearts around them. Also the days we didn't plan out, and just went with the flow.

The days I almost forgot— because the ache in my chest got worse every second more I remembered. Those days make my eyes water, and my chest ache with the yearning for you.

I gave myself to you in a way I've never to anyone else. I gave my innocence, my happiness, my hours, my thoughts— you occupied my mind for longer than you should have.

You taught me how to love, and you taunt me how to allow somebody to love me. You claimed me as yours, and I let you. Because I loved you.

And I'm afraid I still do, Jisung.

You occupy my mind more than you should. You affect my body and wellness in ways nobody has ever. You make me feel guilty for being the one who made it out.

But it's not your fault. It's mine, for falling so hard.

Because with you, I felt safe. With you— I didn't have to go down the path with confusion if you loved me, I didn't have to feel awkward, I didn't have to beg for attention, I didn't have to because you made me feel like I had it all.

I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes I find myself holding my hands together— imagining one of them is yours, or holding a pillow close to me— imagining it's you.

I also think about kissing you. Dragging my rough lips against your soft ones. I think about hugging you, holding your delicate body close to mine. I think about talking to you, hearing your soft voice close to my ears. I think about doing these things with you, just us, no body else.

But then I remember you aren't there, and it's all just sweet nothings in my mind.

No more us.

No more dance club,

No more classes together,

No more holding hands in the halls,

No more secret kisses,

No more silly ice cream dates

No more hiding from your parents,

No more us.

That's the hardest thing in the world for me. There is no more you, no more relationship. We will never be again, we can never be again.

Because you are gone.

And even when your gone, you make such an impact on my life. You make it hard for me to date— since we never broke up. I feel like we are still together, I feel like I'm cheating whenever I even try.

I went through years and years of therapy to stop these feelings, but now i have grown to like them. Because i am okay with dedicating my whole life to you, because I don't want anyone else but you. Because you didn't say goodbye, and a part of me still thinks that means your coming back.

So yeah,

I miss you.

I put down the pen and stare at the three words written across the bottom of the page. I take a deep breath to recollect myself.

I can't believe I just wrote everything out. I told my therapist I will never think about him again, I swallowed the pills so I wouldn't have too, I told my friends to keep him out of their mouths. All because I was afraid of this.

But now that I've done it, I feel nothing but a sense of freedom. Like it will be okay, like it's okay to miss him. It's okay to wish for someone, it's okay to miss somebody. I accept that now, but I wish I would have sooner.

Because I ruined myself for years
— by not accepting it.