dromomania |carl grimes|

12

TRUST

I sat in my room for a few hours, reading a book that Elowen had gifted me. I couldn't get Carl's stupid actions off my mind, is he really that dense?

I'm sitting on my bed with the book and a map of the area. It's a pre-apocalyptic version so things are not as up-to-date as I'd need. I need an active map so I can plan where to go next, and where to avoid but I suppose using landmarks to determine if a building is safe is good enough. 

"Alora!" Carl called from in the house. 

I didn't reply, I don't care to see him. 

He opens the door to my room, a frown on his face. He had taken his hat that he always wore off, and I could see the grease pooling up on his head. 

"I'm sorry for making you meet people," His apology was shit, he was shit, this whole thing was shit.

"Shut the fuck up. I'm tired of you apologizing all the fucking time. Instead of doing that try listening to me, I don't want to meet your people like a God damn show dog being dragged around by its collar." 

Carl sat down on the bed next to me. "I want you to be able to trust people, maybe make some friends on the way," He tells me. 

I kiss my tongue and look at him in his eye, "Why the fuck did you kiss me last night, after trying to play hero to trauma from my past."

He froze, "I don't know... I just thought you had feelings for me."

I shake my head, "Carl, I don't care about anyone but myself. I've told you this, you're a great guy and shit I'm surprised you're single enough to be kissing a childhood roommate. Go try Cleo, she clearly wants your attention,"

Carl put his hand on my map, "You're always running don't you ever get tired?"

He disregarded my comment about the girl that had made me extremely uncomfortable. 

I shake my head, "No. I don't, if I stay you're gonna get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt."

Carl sighs, this time he's frustrated but he's not taking it out on me. 

"I need help changing my bandage, can you help me?" Carl spoke quietly. No one else was home at the moment, I'm not sure how long he has had this deformity. 

I agree and follow him to the bathroom. 

His hair was super long, almost the same length as mine, it was dirty too. 

"You need a haircut, dude."

Carl glances over his shoulder at me, "My mom cut it for me 10 years ago, not since then." 

I look through his layers, he definitely could use a cut. His hair was oily and dirty, what does this kid do during the day? He has to dive headfirst into the pigstye for this type of damage. 

"We're changing my bandage not my hairstyle, focus on that please."

I roll my eyes and pull a hair tie off of my wrist and tie his hair off his shoulder. He gets all sensitive when I bring up his hair but I'm expected to be all chill when he brings up my dead abusive father. 

I take the scissors he handed me and snip the old bandage off. He unravels it and the old bandage falls into his hands. 

"How did this happen, Carl?" I ask, I make eye contact with him in the mirror. The missing eye was red, just a pit where a blue iris use to be. 

"A guy shot me in the eye 3 years ago." 

I frown and rub his shoulder, "I'm sorry."

He looks up at me in the mirror, "You never say that you're sorry."

"I never feel it."

Carl hands me the new bandage and an antiseptic wipe. I wipe the missing eye, gentle especially after he flinched. 

"Alora, you say you don't care about me but you don't want me to get hurt. It doesn't add up."

I shrug and apply the new bandage, not wanting to discuss this anymore. 

I walk away after helping him, I don't want to talk with him anymore. Carl grabs my wrist hard and I flinch back, I do it with fear. He was rejected, rejected people can become dangerous quickly.

 Carl's face softens, and he lets go of my wrist. He looks me up and down with sorrow in his eyes.

"Alora, I would never hurt you, please remember that."

I furrow my eyebrows at him, "How are you gonna promise me that?"

Instead of freaking me out with a kiss again, he gave me a hug.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I ask, venom in my voice.

He doesn't say anything he just rubs circles on my back, his hand between my shoulder blades. I flinch back after he passes over a scar that my father had constantly reopened when I was younger. 

"I care about you so much, Alora. I always have."

It wasn't fair. He can feel all these emotions and I can't, he can feel love and want for others, but I can't. 

He hugs me tightly, not budging at all. I finally ease into the hug, allowing myself to actually feel something that wasn't pain. I can actually feel things, his slightly muscular arms, the soft scent of something woodsy, and his callused hands running over my back. 

"Carl, I don't wanna hurt your feelings when I'm unable to show I care."

He hushes me and kisses my head, "Alora, just let me care about you. You staying here is enough for me." He has a point, I'm doing him a favor.

The one thing I haven't figured out is that he has friends, so why does he need me? Judith was right, that's to be expected but what I don't understand is how he caught feelings so quickly when my whole childhood he was annoyed by my presence. 

I'm not doing this hug for me, I'm doing it for him because I know he needs it. Carl is very quick with things, I barely remember him, and two days after reencountering him he decides he wants to kiss me. 

Carl breaks away from the hug, I can't help but smile. I would never tell him but that hug made me happy, last person to hug me who actually meant it, was Elowen.

"Alora, say something," Carl says quietly. 

"What do you want me to say, you know how I feel."

"So you're scared, so what? You don't think I was scared when the end of the world started, when I lost my mom, when I lost my eye to a gunshot to the head, or when I watched my friend's head be bashed in?" Carl finally snapped. It was weird hearing such a levelheaded person get so mad so quickly.

"I'm not scared. Don't ever assume I'm scared," I retort, when he catches an attitude with me it's easier to be mean and not feel bad. 

"Then why won't you care about me? You're scared of me dying and leaving you like everyone else, that makes you scared, Alora."