dromomania |carl grimes|

22

SPEAK

Weeks flew by, my ankle healed near completion, and Carl and I amended our odds. I know he heard what I said. He never brought it up, I'm thankful because frankly, I have no clue what the hell I'd say.

"Alora! It's starting to warm up outside, you know what that means!" Rowan grins.

I quirk an eyebrow at him, his jaw dropping astonished that I don't know what he's referring to.

"Are you kidding? It's gonna be lake season soon enough, maybe finally I'll find a partner," Rowan chuckles. I roll my eyes with a smile.

"Partner? What are you, gay?" Carl asks. I smacked his leg, that was rude.

"Uh no, bisexual, I like guys and girls doofus."

That made me smile, "Same."

Rowan's eyes light up, "No way! I knew it, I think it's the bangs. I mean that or the fact you're attracted to Carl when he looks like a girl."

Sainte laughs herself off of the chair, "Christ, Row!"

This is what home feels like, having people like this around me. Carl had his hand on my thigh, he knows he does too. I would have shoved him off of me but he didn't deserve that embarrassment.

"Oh please, you even got Sainte to laugh at that."

Sainte smiles and nods, still recovering from body-slamming the floor off the chair.

"You're bisexual, Alora? I've never seen you hit on a girl?" Carl asks me, his voice has something close to hurt in it.

"I haven't hit on guys in front of you either, I've slept with both so yeah I'm into girls and guys."

Rowan high-fives me with a big grin, "That's my girl!"

Carl quirks an eyebrow at me, "You've had sex?" I laugh and nod at him.

He huffs, he's offended that I had a life without him.

"Oh hush, it's been years. Don't get mad, Grimes."

Sainte shakes her head with a smile, "No way she could have more bodies than Rowan."

Rowan scoffs at the blonde girl with a British accent, "Shut it, Sainte. I bet in Britain you were all like, 'oh yes Charles, your willy is marvelous!'"

It's my turn to laugh hard, "Good lord!"

Carl is still quiet, I shove his leg and look at him with a smile.

His eyes were focused on the ground, they were coated with sadness. He felt left out, I know by that look, I had that same look for so long. I felt like I didn't belong so I could never connect to a conversation like this.

"Wait no way, Carl are you actually a virgin? Dude I thought you were a total manwhore when you first came here!" Rowan laughs.

Carl glares at him, aggressively challenging him to say more. Carl's hand gripped my thigh tightly, I could feel his short nails digging in. He is upset and that is clearly obvious.

"You know when I was at my last camp probably about 5 years ago, the leader would run through us girls, my friend Elowen tried to shelter me for so long but when I turned 14 he got his way with me. Thereon sex was meaningless, I'd sleep with who was convenient, who would show me they even slightly cared. Then, everyone except Elowen and I was slaughtered, no more assaults, no more walking back to my bed hating myself."

Everyone was quiet, Sainte had her lips parted but didn't speak, almost like she was reverting back to her mute self.

"I'm sorry, Alora," Rowan says, frowning. No one knows hat to say, there is really nothing to say, I'm not hurt, I don't need comfort or healing.

I chuckle and shake my head, "It happened ages ago, they're all dead. No point in feeling sorry. I'm here now, I have you guys now."

Carl rubs my thigh where he had dug into it, he doesn't say anything to me.

"My group moved around a lot, I was the only kid for a while, there was Sophie, Carol's daughter but she died. We started in Atlanta, then my dad woke up from his coma and met up with us. We went to the CDC and it was over, they had nothing there. We moved on to where we met Maggie on Hershel's farm, that's because one of their members shot me in the chest and Hershel had to keep me alive. Walkers took over the farm, and we got split up but we reunited and we found the prison. I lost my mom in the prison, I had to shoot her she was dying and I didn't want her to turn. There was this girl named Beth, she was older than me, by a few years but I definitely had a crush. Obviously, she saw me as a kid but we stayed in that prison for a while, it was nice. I even had a pet pig her name was Violet. Good things came to an end, this man named the governor, he wasn't even a real official his name was Phillip. He blew up the Prison and killed Maggie's dad. Then on the road, I thought my baby sister was dead, we lost everyone. It was just me and my dad at that point. Michonne met up with us and one night this group of men tried to rape me and kill my dad. I had never been so scared up to that moment, that and when I thought my dad was dead. There was this camp of cannibals who almost killed our reunited group but Carol stopped them. We met Aaron and now we're here, there have been so many times this place has been attacked. Rowan, you remember Ron and Sam, the Wolves attacked, when Negan tried to burn this place to the ground. I haven't had a chance to find a girl to fuck so yeah I'm a virgin because I've been busy surviving."

We were silent, Carl was focused on his lap.

"Don't let all this sex talk get you down, been with many people and the best were always virgins," Rowan tries to create a joke.

I nod. "I'm a virgin too, it's more normalized for women than men. That's such a pre-apocalypse ideology, fuck that," Sainte tells us.

Rowan stands up abruptly with a big grin on his face, "I have an amazing idea!"

He runs off into the kitchen moments later he trails back carrying bottles, three bottles of alcohol. Sainte and I grin, I'm not quite sure where Rowan pulled this from but it has me enticed.

He sets them down on the coffee table in front of us.

"Did you take these from the pantry? Did you even ask?" Carl snapped.

I look up at him, confused as to why he is so mad about something this small.

"Carl, it's okay. If it's that big of a deal, I'll go out and get us some more."

"Absolutely not, you're not going out there."

I kiss my tongue and direct my attention to the bottle of Grey Goose vodka on the table.

Rowan brings over glasses as well, I pour myself a glass the clear liquid flowing just like water.

Some people say alcohol burns on the way down, for me it's refreshing, it's comforting almost. Vodka feels like a warm embrace from my abusive father while smelling of cleanliness. Vodka is smooth, it taste like visits to urgent care when my dad would hit me just a tad bit too hard. Tequila smells like the stuff the nurse at school would put on my open cuts. Rum smelt like when my dad would slam my face into the carpet by the back porch, the one where he had drunkenly spilt his drink a billion times. Everclear scarred my throat, my father poured it down my throat when a teacher questioned him for my black eye.

I drank until we were out, the world around me was numb. Things felt fuzzy, Sainte was already bailing to bed, Rowan was putting on a drag show with nothing but his street clothes and the Jose Cuervo he pounded. Carl sat next to me, sober as a judge. I felt his eye burning into me, the alcohol could never burn as hard as his crystal blue eye.