Reach Out So I Can Hold Your Hand

Sail My Doubts Away

Trigger Warnings : mention of suicidal thoughts, crying, feeling of defeat and hopelessness, talks of social experiments, brainwashing, mention of a past minor character's death, police intervention, anxiety.

Chris wakes up in his bed.

He blinks slowly before noticing the warmth on his back, arms wrapped securely around his waist.

He looks around. He's back in his room.

Everything is in place, nothing has changed.

He sighs shakily.

He doesn't know if a weight has been lifted from his shoulders or not.

But he feels warm against his boyfriend, so he melts against the mattress and lets his tears soak the pillow, ignoring the scratches around his wrists covered by bandages.

He's back in his body and his boyfriend is here, hugging him.

Shouldn't he be happy ?

He doesn't know anymore.

"Baby ? Are you back ?"

Chris hums and can't stop his tears, but he notices the meaning behind his question, "You knew ?" he sniffles and Youngsoo shifts to bring him closer, kissing his shoulder.

"You really thought I wouldn't notice ? Chris, baby, I love you, not those murderers," he tells him all softly.

Chris pauses at the word. Murderers.

He frowns, definitely upset, and pushes his boyfriend away as he sits, "You lied to me," he starts, his mind is still confused and mixing stuff but he can still ask Youngsoo to clear it all up.

He's his boyfriend after all.

Youngsoo frowns worriedly, but sits too, "I'm not the only one who lied, right ?"

Chris parts his lips then shuts up. He can't say he's wrong and he deflates a bit.

"I'm not upset with you Chris, but I need to understand why you did this," He says carefully and takes his hands, "please tell me."

Chris can't look at him, he's the one who brought them into this mess to begin with. He's so ashamed, "I- I didn't want to be alone anymore, I wanted someone to talk to," he sniffles, "and you're always so tired when you come back."

(There was a period Chris seriously thought of ending his life, wondering why he wasn't dead when almost the whole civilization had ended long ago.)

Youngsoo hums softly and brings him in his arms, hand at the base of his nape, while the other is rubbing his back comfortingly, "I'm sorry baby, I didn't know it was so painful for you," he whispers and Chris relaxes in his arms, yet tears brims his eyes again for being understood, why didn't he just tell him ? Why didn't he trust his own boyfriend ? "and I thought about it, we could leave the country to go where you want ?"

Chris perks up, backing a bit to look at him, "You really want to leave the country ?" Youngsoo nods with a smile and gently wipes his eyes from the tears ready to fall, "and I can decide where we'll go ?"

"Of course," he smiles sweetly, Chris loves his smile so much, "and since outside is better now, you'll be able to go outside and make friends."

Chris's eyes widen comically, "Are you serious ? You'll let me do that ?"

He grins, "Of course my Love."