Quilts, Tacos & Tattoos

Early to Rise

Early the next day, Mom was up and in the kitchen. I heard her shuffling through the house, then out through the yonder room set of screen doors and out of the house.

I slipped out of bed and watched Mom walk toward the lake. I saw a light splashing across the lake. At the same time Mom and I both followed the light. It was coming from the top of Granite Mountain. She walked toward the base of mountain and that's when I saw him, my dad, sitting on top of Granite Mountain, and Mom climbing up toward him.

Mom reached the top and stood beside him with her arms crossed. I watched as he motioned for her sit down. She simply shook her head.

She stood in silence and stared out at the lake. Dad talked a little with his legs pulled up close to his chest. He put his head down on his knees. Mom took a step closer to him and sat down beside him. After some time she then put her hand on his shoulder.

He looked at her.

After a few minutes of talking, she stood up quickly. As she turned to walk away, he grabbed her hand and held it tightly. She did not look down at him. She looked straight ahead and waited for him to let go. Then she walked back to the path and down to the house.

I heard a sudden noise come from Nana's bedroom and hurried back to toward the spare bedroom. Instead of getting in bed, I sat quietly in the hallway and waited.

Nana entered the living room before mom. She sat and waited.

Mom eventually opened the sliding door. From the hallway I watched as she stood behind one of the brown Lazy Boy chairs in the living room. There was a cup of coffee and a robe hanging on the back of the chair.

Nana spoke first, "I didn't put any cream in it."

Mom grabbed the coffee cup and robe. She set the mug down on the kitchen table and opened the fridge, poured a splash of milk in her coffee, slipped on the robe and tied the belt.

Returning to the living room, she walked around the chair and did not look Nana in the eyes. Mom looked like she was swimming in the deep end of the pool, trying to save herself and everyone else around her. She looked lost, and my heart broke for her.

Mom studied the coffee cup in her hands, "Mother, I haven't got a clue what I am doing. Is that want you want to hear?"

Noticing Mom couldn't stop staring at her coffee she asked, "That a new coffee cup, Honey?"

"No Mama. It isn't a new coffee cup. I just don't want to look you in the eye and have you tell me I failed again."

"Well, Honey, since I do not know where you have been, we can't really talk about it. If you would like to talk about your daughter and your plan for her, I would like to hear about that."

"Mama, I..." Mom said, choking on her words. "I don't know what to say...I think I am out of time. She is already making her own choices, and I am now where you are."

"Where's that? Where am I?"

"You are biting your lip trying not to say too much or too little, afraid to piss me off and afraid to tell the truth."

"The truth is that I don't know shit!" Nana laughed. "The truth," she continued, "is that I have been watching you for a long time, and I have been hurting for you for even longer. Your life ain't easy, Honey, and it sure isn't getting any easier. Talking to Morgan this early in the morning like you're a teenager is not going to help you, him, or her." She grunted and took a big sip of her coffee.

"Grunt all you want, Mama."

"Oh, I will grunt. You know how we felt about him. We all watched the change. How it affected you even when you were dating. You would drop everything for him, travel the world, but you weren't living in the world. You were living in a fantasy."

"I was doing the best I could."

"Are you doing the best you can now? Going up there and talking to him? Is that the best you can do? Your daughter can't even open her eyes from crying herself to sleep and you are . . ."

"Trying to get my shit together. I am trying my hardest right now, Mom, so just stop it!" She began to cry. "I just saw him sitting alone up there and went to talk to him. It wasn't planned."

I had stood in the doorway as long as I could. "What did you say to him?" I asked, shocked, as I entered the room to join the conversation.

"What are you doing up?" Mom asked softly.

"It's not like you were really talking that quietly," I replied.

Mom answered me reassuringly. "Everything is fine. Go back to bed, Sweetie. Your Nana and I are just talking."

"I'd like to stay," I said, as I curled up on the sofa and covered myself with a blanket. "This has got to be the coldest house in America." I looked at Mom and said, "Mom, I watched you walk up there and talk to him. Please. What did he say?"

Mom sighed, "I told him he needs to get some help. That he made himself look like a real jerk. He feels really bad."

"He should," Nana shouted.

Mom glared at her.

"Candy. He should feel bad. Look at what he's done or I should say undone. You have spent years trying to get your life back on track and he just reappears and makes a mess in an instant."

"Mom, he feels bad."

"You're defending him," I asked shocked.

"No, not defending. I just want to make it better," Mom began to cry.

Nana reached across the table between them and held Mom's hand, "I know you do, Sweetie."