𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐌𝐏𝐇 || ʜᴀᴡᴋꜱ

53 ➟ In which everything happens all at once.

   I'd only ever seen weddings on TV. The special episodes where the two characters that were always going to end up together- end up together. After the holiday specials, the wedding specials were my favourite. I'd come to the conclusion that I much preferred the TV specials as opposed to real life.

I was more surprised than anyone when Lelija told me that (in her words): 'Despite your little... mental break, I'd still love more than anything for you to be my maid of honour'. That was the morning of the wedding. Since my apparent 'mental break', the Comission had placed me under 'surveillance' in their penthouse. Their word for house arrest. I was unable to leave, unable to contact anyone outside of the apartment and, coincidentally, out of the five news channels that were readily available on every TV in Japan, zero of them worked in the building.

Someone would come in with food every so often. Usually, a bag of groceries that I could do what I wanted with. Everything was there. I shouldn't have had anything to really be upset about and yet, everything I did that week, I did with a complete and utter lack of willpower. I would lay in bed until I couldn't anymore, get up and walk around the apartment with painfully slow steps. My thoughts came just as slowly. The only thing I could think of was Rin.

It was painful. I don't think I'd ever known someone so close to me go. Just like that. Just after I'd come to terms with him being okay, I had to grieve him only a few days later. I didn't know what had happened to him after I had been taken out of the room. No one who came into the apartment offered any help either. I would ask them if they knew what was happening and they would give me a blank stare, refusing to give any information.

Part of me was adamant that they wouldn't lay him to rest without me being there- or at least knowing, but I knew better than that, having to come to terms with the realisation that the Comission would, in fact, do that. Leaving me to find out the truth weeks, maybe even months later. It was a horrible, sinking feeling, that realisation. But, after many sleepless hours, I realised that just... accepting it, would be the best thing. I couldn't bring back the dead.

That's why all I could do when Lelija came through the front door to the penthouse, was look at her tiredly, knowing that nothing I did would change anything now.

This continued, even as I was shooed out of the obscene silver limo and walked down the even more obscene red carpet, surrounded by an excessive amount of media outlets and what I could only assume to be fans of the soon-to-be-married couple, as I held tightly onto the excessively long wedding trail that Lelija left in her wake. She'd pushed me into a ridiculously big dress with a delightfully puffed-up mint-green skirt that anyone's great-grandmother would have loved to throw over their toilet roll. I'll admit, it did get a rise out of me, but only after we'd entered the venue, got in the elevator to the rooftop terrace (because of course the winged hero's wedding had to be hundreds of feet in the sky) and I was able to excuse myself and leave for the restroom, despite it being impossible for anyone to use the toilet with the dress on.

The mirror was horrifically large, letting me really take in the whole look. Here I was, in the world's ugliest dress, maid of honour to the woman that had killed the kid that had saved my life, about to walk her down the aisle to marry the closest thing I ever had to a childhood best friend and the man I had fallen in love with.

I couldn't stop the tears as I made eye contact with the most miserable person I'd ever seen in the mirror. I wished that I hadn't let Hawks reconnect with me back at the garage, I wished I'd run away again- what's worse is that a small part of me wished that I had stayed with the Comission all those years ago. Maybe I wouldn't have cared this much about everything now.

I stopped, looking in the mirror once more and calming myself down. I'd get this over with. Walk down the aisle, stay for the ceremony and leave. After this, I was done with the Comission. I was done with everyone and everything that reminded me of it. I would not go back to the garage, I would find somewhere else to go, I'd done it before, I'd do it again. Hawks wouldn't find me this time, the Comission wouldn't knock on a door and ruin my life. I would start anew, somewhere far, far away from here. All I had to do was do this.