Kill, Love, Repeat

Chapter Uno

                                                                                        (Past)

I was looking out the window. Looking at it gave me peace. All because the world looked calm from up here. As if it had never been in danger. As if wars never existed. As if it had always been this quiet beautiful planet from the start. That's why I loved looking out the window, always since I was a little girl. Not in a creepy way but just enjoying the view, escaping from my reality. Wherever I could, I'd ask for the highest floor to see the sunset, tall buildings, the clouds, birds...

But then, you'd look back down to reality. Like the window from where I was observing things. The room of my therapist. This was the reality for me. I had been stuck here for five years and today was my last day. Hopefully. You tend to get stuck in therapy when you kill your father.

He was really the father of the year. On my birthdays, his only gift to me was to abuse me physically and emotionally. He would strangle me until I'd lose consciousness. For Christmas; he'd raped my lovely mother. You know, happy times. He had so much love, so much respect for us. My mind decides to travel back in time to when the retired old couple lived next to us. They must have been losing their hearing because they never heard any of our cries for help. Neighbours would sing Christmas carols and my mother would join them by screaming until she got hoarse. Music to my ears. I never had pets, but he would always go hunting animals with me and I couldn't even save a dog. I was a coward idiot back then. What a happy family we were.

I never considered him a human being. To me, he never had a face. He never had anything that was related to humans. I was able to suppress all my memories from my first day of memory until his death. They say some families have issues. I thought at that time that was normal until I spoke to Anne. I always wondered why my family was different from the ones I used to watch on tv. Besides, how do you wake up from a nightmare that is your reality?

I stopped looking at the window and turned towards Anne.

"You know? I've always been curious about who I am. I've felt different from the moment I was born. I always knew that I wasn't like the rest of this group's so-called society."

"So, what are you feeling?" She asked.

"Well, you said I can't feel like others do, that I can't feel emotions so it kind of makes me like a robot. The perks of having alexithymia, right?" I smiled and sat properly on my favourite couch. "Lately, I've been dreaming about Hakim forcing himself on my mother right in front of me...but of course, it's not a dream." I got closer "It's a memory. It's all coming back again." I held the knife and sighed. "I had to kill him. And now... I'd have to kill you too."

Anne stopped writing in her journal and looked at me. "Stop making jokes like that, Charlotte."

"Couldn't help it." I laughed. "It's funny, people can't read my facial expressions because I make none, so they don't know whether I'm joking or not because I'm unable to them without practice. That was a good one. Sorry, but thanks, for the cake though." I cut a piece of cake and served it to myself.

"Perhaps you should work a little bit more on how to make jokes and the expressions you make while joking. People might think you mean it." I nodded. She took a deep breath.

She raised her glasses which meant she wanted to say something serious. More serious than usual. "Sweet girl, I have known you since you were a kid and I have to say that you did...you did what you had to do to get out of your situation. Nevertheless, your progress has been outstanding. You came here because of your alexithymia, but with the meds, and the MB treatment, you have accomplished so much. You don't get angry when you are around men anymore. or a stranger, you now know when someone is upset. Charlotte, you have a chance to start all over again." She took another deep breath and asked me: "This is your last day here. How do you feel?"

"I feel like these years have been unnecessary. But proved me wrong because I've learned so much. I was a patient that came without empathy in my brain and now I'm leaving with an improvement as you said. I do feel some things. More like I pretend better thanks to you." She gave me a look like saying "You aren't pretending. You are feeling."

But I continued, "Anyways... thank you for everything you've done for me. I believe I am capable of mixing with people, capable of acting like a normal person." While going into my thoughts, "Doctor Rhodes?"

"Yes, dear?" Answered with enthusiasm.

"I would never kill you. You helped me a lot. Besides... you are not a man."

"Okay, one more thing." She sighed "No more jokes about murdering people. I know it's your way to... say how you feel, but people might think that you like to kill."

"Noted. I know you can't get personal with a patient and you don't feel the same but, thank you for being my friend all these years." She let me hug her for the first time in sixteen years and she whispered "I'll always be your friend, Mercury. It will be like I was never gone." And like that, I left to know more about the world.