Kill, Love, Repeat

Chapter Deu

"What is this for?" Felix asked me looking at the bouquet of flowers.

"It's for her. I heard that people bring flowers and other stuff when visiting dead people. Sorry, I mean when they are visiting their loved one." I'm so nervous and he could see it.

It's just that, I've never been to a cemetery before. When mum died they chose to burn her body and since I was a minor I couldn't speak for myself. And it's not like Hakim liked me being outside. And when my only friend died, her parents ''finally" found her and took her closer to them in Michigan. I really hated them for abandoning her just because she didn' turned out to be what they wanted. Theresa had a disability and they parents abandoned her as if she was a trash.

Going back to reality, I smiled at him. Maybe too strong, "ouch!" Felix says while I was holding his hand a little too strong.

"Sorry. Are you okay?" he nodded and asked me, "are you okay? You seem nervous. Have you never been in a cemetery before?

"No." I said without looking at him. "Well, lucky you. I guess," he paused. "No one likes being in the cemetery. It just brings fond memories of your loved one."

Without hesitation, I kissed him. I could make this whole thing about me. How I never went to a funeral, how I feel about this. But that isn't fair to him. We were seeing his younger sister who died of cancer when she was barely seven years. I had to be there for him. I had to comfort him and stop being selfish for one second. Anne said that doing physical touch can help people feel better. So I hugged him and kissed him on his cheek.

"Thank you Maddie, this means a lot to me. You being here with me and being like this makes me feel less... lonely."

"You are never alone." I stroked his hair softly.

I held the flowers and put it down to the grave and looked at the picture of Sasha with his older brother. The picture from a few years back. They are in a park and Felix is pushing Sasha through the swing. He looked annoyed in the photo but Sasha was beyond happy. I guess she knew how lucky she was to have such an amazing brother like him. I looked at him and saw how lucky I was to have him now with me. I will never hurt him. We locked our fingers together and went back home. We didn't do much that day. He mostly slept and watched tv with our dog, he seemed like absence. Mentally.

Everyday I learnt something different from him. Felix is kind, smart, humble, loyal, righteous, messy, overprotecor, handsome, sensible and he may not admit it to anyone else but he enjoys playing video games almost like a child when he's with me. But, I realised that I was also a child. I think everyone has their inner child inside themselves. And like every child, they like to hide in a safe place.

So maybe, he's hiding right now...