Kill, Love, Repeat

Chapter Cinco

Hello, diary or the first person who reads this; 

It's July. Going down my memory lane about Felix and me.

What started as something I was curious about went into a relationship, a very weird one. I said to myself at first that I just wanted to take him to bed with me. I thought that once we did it, the feeling would go again. But it didn't to my surprise.

Feliz started coming by the house more often and met Mackie, my best friend. I consider her my best friend because she doesn't speak at all. I too have the right to have a best friend even if she can be a dog sometimes. 

*Note for whoever reads this diary. (This is called a joke because she is in fact, a dog. I am getting better at them).

 We would talk about almost everything. We decided to become friends at first because he wanted a relationship but I couldn't give him that. I also didn't want him gone from my life so we both agreed to this strange relationship. Some days, I wanted to kiss him, hug him and be with him all day, which we did. On other days, we stayed in bed almost all day in bed and some days, I just wanted to ignore him, which I also did. 

I don't know when it began but he started calling me Maddie, from my middle name is Madeleine and he made a shortcut. I didn't mind it, at first.

In the middle of all of this, I was figuring things out emotionally. I could feel something but I wasn't exactly sure what it was. I didn't want to give him hope, that's why we arranged this whole messy thing. It worked for both of us, we didn't want to be apart from each other. Although Felix wanted to be like #happycouple, he said to me "I am just happy being next to you, that's all that matters to me," I knew he was lying.

 We had been doing this for almost six months. At first, I wasn't sure of myself and him. I thought I was using him because technically I was, in order to know what love felt like. I felt like I was pretending, but I now know that I am in love with him. If  I felt safe, if I felt at ease and wanted to be by his side multiple times in a day, which was the opposite of what I felt in that basement then... isn't that the definition of love? I didn't need to hide that. Whenever I'd get a chance, I would just tell him how I felt. There was no reason to play hard to get like I've seen some people do in movies.

 Maybe there are people like me, who perhaps want to feel what this is and are desperate to be in love and want to feel other stuff so I'm not going to play mind games or anything. I loved being around him. Felix taught me so many things. Emotionally, socially, physically, and geographically. And in exchange, I taught him how to fight better. He lost so many times against me that I met a bet. It was one of the perks of getting into fights at a younger age.

In the beginning of getting to know each other, we struggled in different ways, because I liked him but I didn't know how to express myself. There were some days when he was expecting something from me but I couldn't understand what that was. Eventually, I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted with me because I didn't want to change who I was for anyone. He needed to accept that I was different from everyone. 

Felix was hesitating as to why I was different from him. I started telling him everything about me and it was like I was carrying something so heavy on my shoulders. But then, it disappeared as I told him about my father, my mother... We grew closer, he started holding my hands tighter. He wasn't hurting me, I was just feeling his warmth. He also started hugging me longer although at first, I resisted. I eventually gave up on things that made me uncomfortable and tried new things. It didn't kill me so I guess, it was ok. It might seem funny to you though. The stuff that he was attracted to about me, was now getting him off his nerves. He once said that he was jealous and that I could love Mackie more than him.