Kill, Love, Repeat

Chapter DOS

I was a kid that suffered in childhood. And my mother, who was supposed to be a strong woman, an example for me, who was supposed to protect me, who was supposed to love me, couldn't do any of these things. Because I reminded her of her living nightmare. Why did she stay with someone that she never wanted? Not the way any other human would wish anyway. She was an idiot who left her child behind. She didn't deserve to die. But I could have helped her and she could have helped me. I don't know what she was. A zombie? A ghost? Maybe, but she wasn't living anymore. It's like she died years ago before I was born. Her soul died while I was growing inside of her.

I wish she'd known that I was just a child. That I might look like Hakim physically, but I wasn't him. It wasn't my fault that I existed. She once told me that she tried to kill me while I was inside of her, but I lived. That poor, suicidal and now dead woman needed help. And she did ask for my help, just once and I did. She needed help with the rope so I did. I couldn't tell to my friend Anne that I was an accomplice in my mother's suicide plan otherwise I'd be locked up for good. I wish I knew her name. She never talked to me unless it was necessary. I knew her as Mother. 

I opened my eyes and saw that this life wasn't mine to live, that I would choose which life I would live. It came to my mind that I was meant to be more in life, more than living in a horrendous basement. Once, Hakim spat on me and said I would never leave the house, that I would replace Mum. That thought made me sick physically for days until something inside me woke up. I never called that disgusting man "dad". Hakim locked me in a basement for twelve years and my skin never touched the sun. And then, I realized that I was never as weak as Hakim said. I was never stupid like he said. I was better than him and I would prove it to him. I deserved more, I wanted more in life, so that's when I used the knife. Is it wrong to not cry after slitting his throat? Is it wrong of me to want to do it one more time?

I wanted to live. I wanted to be able to touch many things and see many people's faces. I wanted to breathe, be outside and see places I never knew existed.

I never went to school. I only had books in my house and were useless at the age of nine. So in three years, I had to know, memorize, and learn almost everything. I was able to read people's expressions and knew what they were feeling even though I didn't care. I gave a shit about everyone. I liked being selfish. But I had to pretend that I had feelings. Because I wanted to connect with people, so there I was. Buying birthday gifts for people that used to call me psycho or daddy-killer before. But I wanted to blend. I don't know what was worse. Living in a world full of people as a freak or living in the basement with no one by my side. I still needed to learn many things, but I was a quick learner. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to hide what I did every night since I left the US.

I came out of the building and started to think I was actually going to start living among these people and maybe it's not so bad living down here in reality. I would make the best of myself. As I walked down the street, I smiled at whoever I crossed paths with. I kept walking and stopped in front of a rescue animal shelter. And that was when I saw the love of my life. She was a gorgeous black and white Siberian husky. I decided to adopt her immediately so I asked how old she was and if she had any family.

"No. Her parents died when she was still a baby. So she's now all alone." Said the lady volunteer sadly.

"Just like me." I hold her very gently. Holding a puppy for the first time gave me joy, something I never felt before. I never knew dogs could make me feel this way, involuntarily. Without knowing what I was doing, I smiled. For real this time. "Well, not anymore. She's coming home with me. Although I don't know where I'll live." I looked at my new pet, who is alive this time. "I feel...joy. You see, I have been living in a juvenile centre for a few years now and before that, Hakim locked me in a basement ever since I learned how to walk." Even though I smiled, she seemed in shock. So I use a technique my good best friend, Anne, taught me. I laughed. "Oh my! I'm joking, girl. I was joking." I think I'm blending right. After that, she seemed more relaxed.

Since I didn't need anyone's approval to adopt dogs I signed the papers. Something that made me feel more like an adult. And that made me very happy according to Anne, this is what I would be feeling. "So what's her name, then?"

"Mackie" I looked into my beautiful creature's eyes. I have never been so happy. "I read once that puppies can make a hormone called oxytocin in your brain to improve your feelings to good ones and lower your stress level. And I think it's working."

"Yeah... that's what they do." She had no idea what I was talking about.

I needed a fresh start. So I also decided to change my last name. This is what any other person would have done if their father was an abusive drunk asshole. I was no longer Charlotte Burke. I would be Charlotte Maddox. Next, I booked a plane ticket with the money I earned at small jobs and left the country.