Kill, Love, Repeat

Chapter Eight

"When I was younger, I studied about the planets at home with a crappy book my pa...those people I lived with, had in the basement. And somehow Mercury was the only planet I was interested in." I like that it was the smallest planet, it's the closest to the sun. I know that everyone likes the sun, (except for the ones who can't actually be exposed to the sun).

"I like the warmth when the sun is shining on me. It's almost as if I got superpowers or something, like Supergirl. But I didn't just like it because of its orbital characteristics, it was more than that. I love its name too. And as I grew a little older, when I was living in foster care I studied mythology, Latin and Greek. I was so into it that I started dreaming about mythology."

This seems unrelated but I'm getting closer: "I know this might be stupid but I saw myself as a messenger from the gods like Mercury. I was really out of my mind Felix, this was the only thing good that I had going on, so I took everything in. It was like I was brainwashed." I swallow and keep going, my chest is acting weird and I am not a fan of this.

"Among other things as you might know Mercury is a god and a messenger. And I used to think that I was sending a message from the gods to everyone. I felt powerful. I almost believed that I was the reincarnation of him. I got so crazy that someone got hurt in high school."

I can see Felix freaking out so much that his eyes are about to pop out. Like he had no idea who I have been this whole time. And honestly, I wouldn't blame him. I hope he can accept me no matter what. I am aware that this is my selfish side speaking. But I want him to be with me because I don't think I can find anyone else like him. He has to stay with me. I will make sure no matter what. I can keep him safe.

"What happened to that... person?" Felix speaks to me.

"We used to go to the same therapy sessions. Theresa was her name. She also had a fucked childhood. So we had some things in common. Anne was also helping her. And she was a close friend, I would say. She was the opposite of me. She was capable of smiling even on bad days. Not like a fake smile. More like an "I know I have a sad life, but I won't be sad forever" smile. She was sweet, shy and beautiful." I look down, closing my eyes. I start to break and I cry like a little girl. "Then... she killed herself." Bringing Theresa back to my memories made me realise how much I missed her.

"What happened?"

"I thought I was helping her. But I made a mistake. I started taking meds for my nightmares from Anne's recommendation. Anne thought it would be a good idea if she was on it too because she had some nightmares as well. But Theresa didn't want to forget about the nightmares she had. She said it made her stronger. I called that bullshit. Why would someone want to keep those memories? Turned out she was doing better without them..." I couldn't understand her at that time.

"I don't know where it started but suddenly, I started thinking that Theresa would get better and would leave me. And... and I don't know why I got so angry afterwards. I just wanted us to do everything together." I pause and I try to remember what happened. "It's a little blurry, honestly. I can't remember that much when I was in high school. It was like most of the time I wasn't even there," I look out the window, this window calms me down like the one in Anne's office.

"I know it sounds crazy. All I know is that I felt angry when she said no to taking the meds, and the next morning I found her with a bunch of pills. She OD'd in her room. I couldn't believe that she did it. I never thought she was capable of doing it. I mean, it wasn't like her, she wanted to live. She was about to leave foster care and live with new adoptive parents."

"So, you are saying that you wanted her to medicate, but you got angry at her, said some bad things to her and the next day she died with the pills?" Felix is conflicted "Are you sure that's how it happened? It doesn't make any sense. Don't you think so?"