Rescue me

20

“What? No, hold on a damn minute. What are you doing?” Eddie asked, fully awake and confused. I still couldn’t find the courage to face him, I knew if I did I wouldn’t be able to leave.

“Eddie, I have to leave. I have this scary feeling that this isn’t over. I need to protect you and I can’t do that if I’m here. I wanna stay, but I can’t. I’m sorry.” I said, tears streaming down my face. I felt him behind me and he grabbed my arm softly, and I let out the sob I’d been holding in.

“Baby, listen to me ok? It’s over, Josh is gone, he can’t hurt us anymore. You’re safe, I’m safe. Nothing’s gonna happen to us.” Eddie said, soft and careful, knowing that raising his voice wouldn’t do any good.

“What about his friends or family? What’s to say they won’t come after us because of what happened? I know we don’t have to worry about his mother, but he has siblings and other family members. They could blame us for what happened and come after us. I can’t take that risk Eddie, I just can’t.” I cried, silently begging him to let me go.

“I understand you’re scared baby, it’s a totally rational feeling after everything that’s happened. It’s also another trauma response. Remember we talked about those? Always being on guard for danger. You’re brains trying to tell you to be scared, even though there’s nothing to be scared about. I promise you baby, we are safe. We’re safer together, ok?” Eddie said, still calm and collected.

“How can you be so calm? Aren’t you scared?” I asked, finally turning to look at him, and seeing the tears in his eyes.

“Baby, the only thing I’m scared of is losing you, letting you walk out the door and not knowing where you are. I don’t care about anything else, ok? Please, just come sit down?” Eddie begged, slightly pulling on my arm. I let him lead me to the bed and I sat down, still gripping my bags.

“I have an idea. Would you feel better if someone was around all the time? Like when I’m at work, someone will be here with you? That way neither of us is ever alone? I work a block from the police station, and my work knows what happened. If I tell them to keep a lookout for anything out of order, they’ll have my back. Would that help?” He asks, silently begging me to agree.

What I had failed to learn from everything he’s told me is that he really will do anything to protect me. I know he said it, but I have a hard time believing it. Why would he? In all reality, he didn’t really know me. Yea he had a crush and we survived the Upside Down together, but that means nothing in the grand scheme of things. 

“Why does it matter? Why do you even care so much? If you really think about it, we don’t really know each other, like at all. Yea, you have the hots for me but you don’t really know me and I don’t know you. You should be happy to get rid of me, I’m nothing but a bother. I’m holding you back from living your life. All you do is work and try to protect me. You have no life because of me! Let me go and you can have a life again!” I yelled, feeling angry and guilty.

“I didn’t have a life before you!” Eddie yelled back. “I had nothing, y/n, nothing. I worked and came home. I don’t even have a band anymore because no one wants a suspected murderer playing music for their customers, even if I was cleared. You wanna know the truth? I was weeks away from ending it. I’ve done nothing but suffer the last 3 years, and I was tired of doing it. I wanted out, so I bought enough Ketamine to kill a horse, just waiting for the right time.”

“Then, I swear God, or someone, was giving me a reason to keep going, because the day I planned to do it, was the day all of this shit happened. The order I picked up was gifts for everyone, and when I noticed Dustin’s, of all people’s, was missing I had to come back. I was meant to be here for you. I have a life, I’m alive because of you, for you. So don’t tell me I'll be better off without you, because I’m nothing without you.” Eddie finished. 

Standing in front of me, sobbing like he did the first night, made something inside me break. I dropped my bags and walked to him, throwing my arms around his neck. He walked us back to the bed and sat down, sitting me in his lap.

“Eddie, I’m fucking sorry. I had no idea it’d gotten so bad for you. Why didn’t you tell someone? We all had shitty reactions to the Upside Down, but we got through them together. You became one of us, whether you like it or not. We would have figured out how to help you, no matter what it took. I’m sorry none of us noticed how much you were suffering.” I said, cradling his face in my hands.

“I’m not one to spill my feelings out like that, never have been. Figured I’d be ok, given enough time, but it turns out, time only made it worse. I’m not saying you’re my only reason for living, but maybe the biggest. I hope I can find others, and I don’t want you to feel like my life is in your hands, but you’ve given me a reason to keep going and I’m gonna do everything I can to thank you for that, even if the reason wasn’t the best.”

“Let’s compromise? We’ll take care of each other, ok? We obviously need each other, even if I keep trying to leave. Anything that comes at us, we’ll handle it together and if we can’t, we have our friends. How does that sound?” I asked, finally realizing that he was right. As long as we’re together, we’re safe. I need to remember that, no matter what thoughts creep into my head.

“That sounds like an amazing idea baby. I’ll still call for reinforcements for when we’re not together, I know it’ll make me feel better knowing someone’s here for you when I’m not.” Eddie said, leaning his head on my shoulder.

“Like what, a bodyguard? Who would do something like that, almost everyday?” I asked.

“I know about a dozen or so people who’d love to spend time with you after not seeing you for over a year. I think we’ll be fine.” Eddie said with a smile.

“We can’t make our friends babysit me, that’s not fair to them.”

“Let’s ask them and see what they say, how about that? If they say no, I’ll just quit my job. You’re loaded now, you can be my sugar momma.” Eddie said, raising his eyebrows suggestively. I slapped his arm and he laughed. “Kidding! I’m kidding! But can we go back to bed? I have a half day at work tomorrow and I need at least a couple hours of sleep.” He asked, yawning as he said it.

“Of course we can, I’m sorry.” I said, shifting off his lap to lay down.

“Don’t apologize, just promise me if you have these feelings again, you’ll tell me? We’ll get through it, together ok?” Eddie asked, wrapping his arms around me after pulling the blankets up over us.

“I promise.” I said, snuggling into him, feeling safe and protected and soon enough we were both asleep thankful the other was here, safe and alive. I couldn’t tell you what I dreamt of this time, but it’s rare that you remember the good dreams, so I’ll take that as a good thing.