Toast of the Season

❀ Chapter 30 ❀

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This is the happiest I have been in a long while. Seeing the Havishams this morning with the promise of seeing them again soon was the best possible remedy to my aching soul. The familiarity of being with people who know and love me, even for only an hour, was so delightfully soothing and I am still overjoyed because of it. I am touched by the fact that Edmund would go out of his way to do something so kind for me. I glance at him across the parlor. Every so often his eyes, with their warm look, meet mine.

"Your turn."

I look across the chessboard and see that Mr. Wimple has indeed taken his turn. I move my knight out onto the board so I can castle with my rook and king next turn. 

I was glad Edmund invited Stephen to Beaumont. But I would be lying if I said my feelings for him were the same. A week ago I had so many hopes pinned on Stephen and now... well I should admit that Stephen has not changed, it is me who has changed.

I did not realize the dangers of staying here in Edmund's home, coming to love his staff, excepting the churlish cook. Spending time with Edmund, especially the times on his lap have infiltrated my heart. My traitorous heart has imagined staying here at Beaumont, spending time each day in Edmund's arms, indulging in the kisses he offered me. And even though my brain knows it cannot happen, my heart is rejecting Stephen. Not that I will reject him, of course. My mind is in control and I will accept his proposal, but my heart will protest and the sinking feeling of dread it is currently giving me is not enjoyable.

"Your turn."

I move my rook to my king then jump the king over. Stephen raises his eyebrows as if he has not seen me make this move during our previous two games, which incidentally, I won. 

I happen to see Jonathan's nervous look from the divan as he glances my way. He was most distraught during luncheon when I was not very friendly with him. I was not rude, to be sure. But he did hit poor Tanner with his crop and I cannot forgive him easily. 

At first he seemed very happy that Mr. Wimple was farther up the table than us. After talking with Stephen for nearly an hour in the parlor I could see Jonathan had become quite antsy for my company. When we sat in the dining room, he could not contain his delight that I would remain sitting next to him, happy that I was effectively removed from Stephen's company.

It was when I continued to give brief answers to his questions, barely looking at him, that he gave into his despair and inquired, "Miss Cavendish, has the manner of your injury made our relationship irreparable?"

I looked at him full in the eyes for the first time since the accident. Relief in the form of a smile spread across his face, as if this is what he was waiting for. "No, Mr. Goddard, we can likely remain friends." His smile widened and hope entered his eyes. I continued, "But, I would never consider a closer relationship than friendship with someone capable of intentionally hitting a human being with a riding crop." His smile drops. We shared very little conversation after that.

"Your turn."

I move my queen into position. He will lose either his rook or his queen on my next move. It takes him a moment to discover it but when he does, he frowns. 

Stephen has asked me to have a private discussion with him and I am putting it off. I told him after dinner would be the best time. It isn't that I am dreading the proposal, which I assume is what has him wanting to meet with me privately, but it is the finality of it all. Once we are engaged there is no going back, my future will be fixed before me. I find it a little daunting.

Although, it is likely to be quite nice to be married, at least I tell myself that it will be. Stephen will let me study science. He is a kind man and easy to be with. We will have children and if rumors are to be believed, live in more opulence than I grew up in. I am guessing we will have a quiet life because Stephen does not enjoy socializing. But perhaps he will indulge me and purchase opera tickets. I smile at the thought.