Toast of the Season

❖ Chapter 37 ❖

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It did not take long for Lady Snow to prepare for our trip. A day and a half later we were on our way to London. I am thinking that Lady Snow is a bit of a matchmaker herself with the way she has pushed Lizzy and I to spend time together. She invited me to supper both evenings and told us to continue our socializing in her parlor when she was feeling lightheaded and needed to go to bed early. Now I sit on the same side of the carriage with Lizzy because Lady Snow needs room for her 'old bones'. There is nothing elderly about this woman. She is sharp as a tack and I think my mother will love her.

I take Lizzy's gloved hand in mine and interlace our fingers. Lady Snow says nothing but her little smile means she has noticed and does not disapprove. I sigh with the feel of having Lizzy's hand in mine again. It feels so good to be close to her. 

When I think back to the weeks of anguish without her I am left with no other option but to win her back. I did not always have a strong faith but I have been on my knees each night before bed, begging the Lord to give her to me. He must say yes because I cannot imagine my life without her.

Lizzy looks more tired and thin than when she was at Beaumont. I would be remiss if I didn't recognize that all of this has been as hard on her as it has been on me. And yet I am the one that deserves the anguish, as it was my wrongdoing that caused it all. 

I was honest when I told Lizzy that I would not go back to undo the wager if given the chance, only because it would mean I would never have met her. But if I was given a redo, I would tell her the next day of the wager and why I picked her so everything would be out in the open from the beginning.

We have had a few discussions over the last days and I have tried to be as reassuring as I could be. Her eyes had a pleading look as she said, "Edmund, I do not think I could survive another heartbreak like I did when I heard Fred describe your wager." It physically pains me to know how badly I hurt her. "To hear myself described so callously when I thought I was cared for, assuredly broke my heart in two." 

"Lizzy." I whispered in anguish, wishing I could erase the pain for her, wishing she could see the love I have for her in my heart.

Her hand gripped my arm. "If there is any chance you do not feel for me as much as you are declaring then we need to end it now. I could not survive all this again."

I could not help but reach out to pull her closer. "No, Lizzy, I promise there are no more secrets. I was honest in everything with you excepting the reason for the first dance. Until you left me I was the happiest I had ever been in my life, planning our future together, thinking of our life at Beaumont, imagining our children." She raised an eyebrow when I mentioned children which made me chuckle. "You do want children, don't you Lizzy?"

She was full-on blushing then, "Yes, of course," she murmured.

My sweet Lizzy, in turmoil over whether or not to marry me, worried that I would hurt her again. I need to show her the life I would give her, the adoration I have for her. I will give her every attention and be completely honest in the future so we have no further misunderstandings.

The carriage jolts me out of my memories and I feel Lizzy's head on my shoulder and look down to find she has fallen asleep. I am glad because I know that she needs it and I hope she can get comfortable on my shoulder. But the pot holes in the road will not give her peace and they jostle her awake several times. Each time she looks up with confusion and quickly apologizes.

She falls asleep once more on my shoulder and I make the decision to defiantly put my hand under her knees and lift her onto my lap. She seems to protest in her sleep at first but once she is settled on my lap and I hold her tight, she eases back to sleep, never having opened her eyes. I look up at Lady Snow to see what she will say of our shocking position. 

At first I cannot read her expression, but then she says, "You care for her."

It isn't a question but I still give a response, "Yes." I look down at Lizzy cuddled to my chest and I am filled with such joy. This is where she belongs. I absolutely must have her, there is no other option. If she won't have me then I am sure I will never marry. It wouldn't be fair to have a different wife when she could never measure up to the perfection I once had. I know I have regret on my face at even considering another life without Lizzy.

"You have hurt her?" Lady Snow asks tentatively. I nod. "I do not know the particulars."

I make the decision to allow Lady Snow into our confidence. She has proven thus far to be an ally and perhaps with more information she could help further. So, holding Lizzy in my arms as she sleeps, I tell Lady Snow our story from the beginning. She seems fascinated with the tale and when I am done, she asks many questions.

"So Mr. Wimple liked her but didn't offer her marriage because his mother didn't approve?" I nod. "But yet, he kissed her." She looks disapproving of this.

I am sure annoyance is on my face also, "Unfortunately yes, Lizzy seemed to regret allowing it right after it happened."

"Well, given her choices, you are the clear frontrunner." I smile at her use of horse racing terminology, as if we are all vying for Lizzy to pick us as grand champion. "Especially with that horrid Mr. Goddard character in the mix. Good job for nipping that in the bud. I hope we do not encounter him at Almack's." She looks slightly alarmed at the thought.

I can't help but smile at that unlikely occurrence, "Mr. Goddard is rarely in town."

She looks relieved. "You know," there is a sparkle in her eyes, "if your story has a happy ending, which I believe it will, it would be better than any novel I've read thus far." 

I can't help but chuckle in response. I suppose it is quite a beginning. "It will have a happy ending," I assure her. Then more quietly to myself, "It must."

---

The time has passed quickly with our discussion and soon Lizzy is stirring in my lap. I lift her up and rest her on the seat again so she is not uncomfortable with our intimate position. She has managed a couple good hours of sleep and I am happy for that. I keep my arm around her back holding her to my side, her head resting on my shoulder. 

As she stirs awake she notices our position and pushes herself away from me, "Goodness, Edmund, how inappropriate we are!" She looks apologetically at Lady Snow. "I am so sorry!"

Lady Snow only smiles at Lizzy, "It does not signify. He was only holding you upright so you didn't fall over." As Lizzy blushes and looks out the window, Lady Snow gives me an amused look as we both think about the shock Lizzy would have had if she woke up on my lap. I think Lady Snow and I are going to get along rather well.